Broken Measures series
by BryceWrites
Summary: A collection of stories all part of the same series. Each story takes place at a different time, over the course of about a two year span. This is the story of Kelsi, a broken country girl and Juice, a dented Queens guy, and how they survived the end of the world together. [M for Adult themes, abuse, and strong language.]
1. Part 1 Jumper vs Juice

I sobbed, trudging down the sidewalk. I was heading for Wilkinson Bridge at the end of Fourth Street Hill. I could feel the eyes of passerby as they heard my tears choke out of my throat, but no one stopped to ask if I was alright, nobody stopped to comfort me, so I kept moving. I didn't need comfort. I was tired of pity.

The bridge sat at the bottom of Fourth Street Hill. After the bridge, the road made a hard left and became Old Rim Rock Way, winding out into the country side. Not very many people came out here past the top of Fourth Street, as there were no other roads and not many people lived out this far.

That's why the bridge was perfect. It was almost fifty feet from the water, which wasn't enough to do any real damage, but it was the time of year that the river below was low enough you could see the rocks through the water.

Looking down at the water made my heart speed up and my brain screamed at me that this was a bad idea. But I remembered my reason for coming. I reached up to touch my cheek, feeling the long cut that wasn't even an hour old. It'd come from my fiancé's ring as he back handed me. I told him if he hit me again, I'd kill myself. He'd told me to go ahead; he'd go sleep with that hooker at the bar in town instead then.

He didn't look shocked like I'd hoped as I stormed from the house. He'd called over his shoulder from the couch as I made my way out of the house, telling me he hoped my death was slow so it hurt more. I'd cried all the way here; almost five miles. But now my tears had run dry. It felt like liquid plastic on my cheeks where the tears had dried up.

I glanced up and down the road, wondering if anyone would cross my path out here in the middle of nowhere. The sun was setting as I turned to look back at the rocks below. They were sharp and smooth, being beaten down by years of wear from the river. I remembered the last person who jumped out here.

His name had been Bobby Jefferson. He'd been a senior in high school at the time. He jumped because he was being bullied at school. He was a year older than me. He'd jumped and broke his spine. Bobby had pretty much become a vegetable. He couldn't feed himself or go to the bathroom himself. He had to have around the clock care provided for him.

I shook my head, considering Bobby. If it had been my kid, I'd have asked someone to put him down. That wasn't a life. He'd been unhappy before. What made anybody think Bobby was happy being spoon fed apple sauce at the age of twenty-seven? Nobody would be happy with that. His parents had been selfish for letting him continue on that way.

Taking a deep breath, I looked up, trying to find a place to crawl up on the railing. I grabbed part of the metal structure that jutted out from the side a little to deter people from driving too close. It took more effort than I would have thought, but I sat on the edge of the railing for a moment, my feet dangling over the side of it. I watched the water move around the rocks and wondered what it would look like as the water made its way around my body.

I took hold of the metal side, pulling myself to my feet on the railing. Another five feet would help, right? There was a noise somewhere behind me, but I shook out my shoulders. I could hear the water rushing below me and that was all that mattered. I took a deep breath, trying to make myself step away from the railing.

"You can do this, Kelsi. Don't be a pussy ass bitch. You made a promise. You keep your promises." I muttered to myself with a nod of my head. My pep talk distracted me enough that my feet moved forward on their own as my hand let go of the railing.

I only fell a few feet before there was a hand on my arm, catching me. Panic flooded my system. Of all the times for someone to reach out and help, it had to be this time? No. I thrashed against whoever had my hand, trying to wiggle out of their grasp.

The man above me yelled something over his shoulder that I couldn't hear over the hammering of my heart in my ears.

"Let me go!" I screamed, fighting against his hand before another hand grabbed at my side. I battled against them as they hauled me up and over the railing. I still wrestled against the arms wrapped around me as we fell to the metal floor of the bridge. "You should've let me die!" I screamed at him, trying to get out of his grasp.

He held me tightly against his strong chest. "Calm down, lass. I ain't lettin' ya go 'til ya calm down." His heavily accented voice spoke up.

Suddenly, I was too tired to fight him, falling limp against his chest. Tears flooded my eyes again. "You should've let me die."

"Calm down, lass. It's okay. It's gonna be okay." He told me, trying to coo in my ear.

A sob was ripped from my throat. "I wanted to die."

He readjusted his grip on me, pulling me closer to him and I wrapped my arms tightly around his torso, clinging to him. "It's gonna be okay." He cooed, rocking me back and forth.

It took a long time before he stopped rocking and looked down at me. I'd been staring at the field on the bottom of the bridge for however long it'd been since he'd stopped talking to me. I knew there was a motorcycle parked somewhere close and another man sitting at my feet, blocking me from the bridge railing, but that was all I could gather.

"Kelsi?" The man holding me asked quietly.

I didn't know how he knew my name, but I nodded slowly, feeling his leather jacket rub against my rough face.

"Why did ya jump?" He asked quietly.

I was quiet for a long time, considering maybe the possibility my voice had left me. "I told him if he hit me again, I'd kill myself." I told him, barely above a whisper. The tears I cried stung my cheek, but I could hardly feel it over his arms wrapped around me and his leather jacket on my opposite cheek.

"Yer boyfriend?" He asked quietly.

"He proposed and I said yes. I thought he'd stop if I said yes." I said, feeling like if I moved my eyes from the field at the bottom of the hill, the world would crumple and never be able to fit back together.

"Ya live with 'im?" He asked.

I pulled away from him quickly, crawling back towards the other side of the bridge, startling him and the other man. "You can't take me back! You can't make me!" I stopped, being pressed against something rubber and I felt the tire for one of the motorcycles against my back.

He turned, watching me carefully as he held his hand out, motioning for me to stop moving. "I ain't takin' ya 'nywhere near tha' monster."

I got my first real look at him. He had salt and pepper in his hair and beard. There were two long scars on either side of his mouth. Some might have thought he looked intimidating, but I could see the kindness in his eyes.

My eyes darted towards the other one, who had stood when I'd moved away from the older one. The one standing was younger and blonde with a hoodie under his leather jacket and baggy pants around his legs. The one who had been talking to me wore the same jacket he did. It looked like it was for a motorcycle club or something.

"He told me to die slowly." I said, looking at the older one. "I can't…"

He slowly moved closer to me. I wondered if he'd ever dealt with someone who'd been abused before. He didn't raise his voice or move quickly like most people did. He kept eye contact, showing me he meant me no real harm. But I still didn't know if I could trust him. "I want ta protect ya from that, lass, best I can. But ya gotta trust meh."

I watched him for a moment before my eyes flickered to the man standing, blocking my access to the bridge railing. He looked barely older than Danny and I didn't know. He had a look on his face I couldn't place and I didn't know if I trusted him, even if I trusted the older man.

"I'm Chibs. This here is Jax. He's a friend. We're in the same club together. A brother." The older man told me, reaching for his leather vest and fluffing it so I understood.

I bit my lip, looking back at Chibs. "Will he hurt me?" I asked quietly, like somehow, the other man wouldn't hear my words.

Chibs shook his head slowly. "Ain't nobody gonna hurt ya ever again, lass. But you gotta trust me. Can ya trust me?"

I watched him for a long moment. Something in my brain registered that Chibs would do me no more harm and without much thought, I nodded.

Slowly, very slowly, he got to his feet, shuffling closer to me and holding his hand out to me. I watched it for another moment, trying to make my arm move and grab his hand with mine. When I did, he easily pulled me to my feet without any help from me and Jax, the blonde one moved closer.

"Ya ever rode a motorcycle, lass?" Chibs asked.

I shook my head, crossing my arms over my chest against the cold. I'd expected to die; I hadn't planned on still being alive after it got dark. Jax threw his arms out behind him and I cringed, raising my shoulder, expecting a blow. But one never came. Chibs gently touched my shoulder, telling me to relax.

"Can't have ya freezing, darlin'." Jax said in his rough voice and I realized he was holding his zip up hoodie out to me.

"You… don't have to." I told him quietly.

Chibs took it from him, moving to drape it over my shoulders. I ducked my head, sliding my arms into the holes and mumbling a quiet thank you. "All ya have to do is hold tight to me and lean with the bike. I do all the rest." He said, climbing on the bike.

I glanced back at the bridge, wondering how cold the water was between the rocks.

"Lass, come on. You're better than that." Chibs said gently.

I looked over at him. No one had ever told me I was better than anything. I'd always heard how I was white trash, good for nothing, waste of space. "No I'm not." I told him, sliding onto the bike behind him. I jumped when he kicked it to life, but the rest of the ride was smooth.

Once the bike started moving, I pressed my cheek to Chibs' back, closing my eyes. I didn't care about the scenery; I didn't care where we were going. I just didn't want to go home. I didn't want to see that terrible man again.

When the bike stopped moving and Chibs turned it off, I opened my eyes and let go of his waist. He slid off gracefully, holding his hand out to me. I took it, struggling off the machine. I looked around, taking in my surroundings. Chibs and Jax had parked their bikes in a long line of similar looking black bikes. Across the parking lot was the name of the town body shop and closer to where we parked was the sign, showing the clubhouse for the Sons of Anarchy. It was the name on their jackets.

"Ya alright, lass?" Chibs gentle voice broke me from my trance.

I nodded.

He set a gentle hand on my shoulder, telling me to start walking. He led me into the clubhouse, making Jax go first so he wasn't at my back. I was grateful and I wondered if I could ever convey that to him.

Chibs moved me through the main part of the clubhouse quickly. There was yelling and things being thrown at the TV, making me cringe without thinking about it. Chibs led me down the hallway that held a bunch of different rooms before opening one of them. It looked kind of like a hotel room. There was a bed and a couch and TV on the side of the room closest to us. I could see a bathroom through the cracked door on the other side.

The room was clean, save for a pair of jeans on the floor and a skin mag on the bed. Chibs closed the door behind him, heading for the bed. He stashed the magazine in the dresser on the left of the bed and threw the jeans in the dirty clothes basket near the bathroom.

"Ain't much, but it's home." He told me with a smile.

I didn't know what he wanted me to say, so I just looked around the room, taking in the little details. He had a big movie collection next to the TV and I noticed there was a place for everything. Danny had kept the bedroom a mess. Every time I'd pick something up or move something, three other things would take its place.

But Chibs had everything sorted out. There was several sets of stacking drawers around the room, all with labels on them like 'Cars Mags' and 'Project Ideas'. There was a full bookshelf on the wall the bathroom shared. There wasn't an empty space on the hunk of wood and I wasn't entirely surprised.

"Ya can sit on the couch. I've got to go talk to Clay, he's the president of the club. I can send someone in to talk with ya, if you'd like." Chibs said kindly.

I bit my lip, thinking about it. "Just… not Jax. He looks like Danny." I said quietly, hoping I didn't offend him.

He smiled a little. "Jackie boy is a bit brash, as well. Best to not have you two cats in the same pen. I'll have someone else sit in with you, alright, lass?"

I nodded. "Th-thank you." I stumbled over my tongue, feeling stupid.

"Don't thank me, lass." He said with a smile, moving past me and closing the door behind him.

I didn't want to sit on the couch as the back of it was to the door. I didn't want to panic when the person Chibs sent came in. So I sat on the bed, looking around at the SAMCRO banner above the bed and smiled a little at the smell of fresh sheets and cologne.

It was only five minutes before there was a gentle knock on the door. "Chibs sent me to sit with you. Is it alright if I come in?" A strong, male voice asked.

I nodded before realizing he was on the other side of the door and couldn't see me. "Yeah." I squeaked.

The knob turned slowly and the door opened at the same speed to reveal a man a few inches taller than me. His black hair was shaved into a Mohawk, showcasing tribal tattoos on both sides of his head. He was strong and tan and his leather jacket framed his shoulders nicely. He smiled gently at me, seeing me watch him closely.

"You're Kelsi, right?" He asked, a little loudly. I cringed, hating myself for it. "Shit, I'm… I'm so sorry." He said, looking pained. I just watched him, moving back a little farther on the bed, pulling my knees up close to my body. "I'm just… gonna close this okay?" He asked softly, gesturing loosely to the door.

I bit my lip, nodding. He didn't look like he'd hurt me, but I knew guys could change their minds at the drop of a hat.

"I'm Juice." He said softly, pushing his hands into the front pockets on his jacket.

"Kelsi." I said quietly, watching him.

He smiled at me. "That's a good start, I think. Is it okay if I sit on the couch?" He asked, gesturing to it.

I nodded. He lived here, I was just visiting. I didn't know why he was asking me.

"So…" He said, trailing off, glancing around the room. "We could watch a movie? I mean, if you're okay with being on the couch with me. If not, you could watch from the bed. Or if you don't want to watch a movie, we could talk about something."

I bit my lip, smiling a little. He was trying so hard. Nobody had tried that hard to make me comfortable in a long time. "We could… we could watch a movie, I guess."

"You wanna pick one out?" He asked, throwing his arm towards the shelf packed with movies.

My teeth caught my bottom lip again. "I'm not usually allowed to." I told him, glancing away from him. I didn't want to see him judge me.

"Well, how about you pick something out and I'll watch whatever it is." Juice suggested.

My eyebrows drew together as I looked back up at him. "Anything?"

He nodded with a little smile. "Anything."

I shook my head. "No. You pick something." I told him quietly.

"Are you sure?" He asked, slowly moving around the couch to the shelf unit. "There's a bunch of cool movies over here. Weekend at Bernie's, The Princess Bride, Fast and Furious." He spoke up, leaning over to read the titles of the movies.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, not wanting to say anything. He seemed like a nice enough guy; I just couldn't tell for sure like I could with Chibs. I wanted to stay quiet in case I said something to make him snap.

He glanced over at me and seemed to frown a little. "Nothing sounding good?"

I bit my lip, shaking my head and looked down at the mattress.

"How about you tell me the kind of movie you wanna watch, and I'll pick something out? Is that fair?" he asked, watching me.

I nodded, still looking at the comforter Chibs had on the bed.

"Action?" Juice ticked off. I shook my head. "Horror?" I quickly shook my head. He chuckled a little. "Romance?" I paused, thinking about it before slowly shaking my head. I didn't want to watch a love story I knew wasn't true. "How about Fantasy?" I looked up at him, considering it for a moment.

"How about this one? It's called The Mummy." Juice said, reading me the description.

I gnawed on my lip, liking the sound of the movie, but not wanting to speak up.

Juice kind of smiled. "Ya know, I haven't seen this movie in ages. I'm just gonna put it in." He told me, flipping on the TV and putting the disc in the slot that pulled out from the DVD player. He glanced at me before sitting on the far end of the couch.

I stayed where I was, watching the previews start. Juice hit a button on the remote, skipping them and pushing play as the menu screen came up. The movie started and he glanced at me again. I watched for a few minutes before deciding the couch would be better overall. Slowly, I stood up, moving to sit on the opposite end of the couch as Juice.

He didn't say anything, but I saw his lips quirk, showing a ghost of a smile.

The movie played for nearly a half hour before the door sprung open and I nearly jumped out of my skin, cringing away from the piece of wood and metal, pushing myself against the arm of the couch.

"Oh lass. I'm so sorry." Chibs voice spoke up, but I could barely hear him over the hammering of my pulse in my ears. Chibs appeared in front of me on the couch, looking pained. "I forgot, lass. Forgive me?" He asked softly, gently setting his hand on my leg.

Out of instinct, I pushed it away. Every time Danny had done the same gesture, he'd wanted me naked and I couldn't do that here.

Chibs looked hurt as he slowly fell back onto his butt on the floor. I felt my eyes darting around, looking for an exit that I wouldn't have to climb over bikers to get to.

"Kelsi." Juice softly said from next to me.

I looked at him out of desperation, just wanting something to anchor me so I could calm down. He laid out his hand on the couch, just barely out of reach for me so I'd have to move if I wanted to hold his hand. "You're safe here. No one here will hurt you." He said barely above a whisper. My hands shook as I moved to touch his and I realized how much darker his skin was than mine. His fingers were callused, but the good kind that gave your skin goose bumps as they dragged across.

When I looked back up at him, he was smiling at me, showing off pearly whites. "See. It's alright."

I looked over at Chibs who was watching us closely. "I-I'm sorry. You… you said you wouldn't hurt me. Danny… he touches me like that when he wants sex." I told him, pulling my legs closer to my body, hoping I could just shrink into the couch and disappear.

"I'm sorry, lass. I won't ever do it again." He told me and I could hear the honesty in his voice.

"What'd Clay say?" Juice asked, looking at Chibs.

"She can stay a bit, but we need to find this ingrate." Chibs said with venom in his words. "Ya think ya can help with that?" He asked, turning to me.

"What…" I stalled out, considering if I really wanted the answer to my question. "What are you gonna do?"

Chibs shrugged. "What all did he do to ya?"

I ducked my head, glancing at Juice. He smiled at me. "We can't help if you don't tell us." He said, giving a little squeeze to my hand.

I nodded, looking down at the couch cushion under my legs. "I don't know what's bad that he did besides hitting me."

"First his name." Chibs said.

"Danny West." I murmured.

"Did he hold you down or force himself on ya?" Chibs asked, watching me intently. I bit my lip, nodding, but trying not to remember. "He ever throw things, cut ya up on purpose?" Chibs asked.

"This is from his ring." I said, fingering the long cut on my cheek. "He threw me into a mirror one time." I said meekly. "I couldn't even get all the little pieces out of my side."

Chibs nodded. "That's enough then. Thank ya lass." He said, moving slowly towards me and kissing me on the forehead.

At first, I was confused. And then there was warmth spreading in my chest and I ducked my head, smiling.

"What?" He asked, standing up. I shook my head, burying my face in my knees. "Speak your peace." Chibs said and I couldn't see his face, but I could hear his smile.

"Nobody's ever kissed my forehead before." I said quietly.

Chibs chuckled. "Ya stick around; you'll get all the forehead kisses yer pretty heart can handle." He said, leaning down to tilt my head up and kiss my forehead again before moving around the couch and out of the room.

Juice smiled at me and hit the play button on the movie, which took off exactly where he'd stopped it. "Do you mind if I smoke?" He asked after a long few minutes of silence.

I shook my head. He lived here, not me. I couldn't understand why he kept asking things like this. I watched the movie, seeing his lighter spark out of the corner of my eyes.

"Did you want one?" He asked, extending the pack towards me.

"Not allowed to smoke." I told him quietly.

Juice grinned. "You can if you wanna. You don't gotta take orders from anybody."

I watched him for a moment, pulling one out of the pack. He passed the lighter over to me and I remembered how I smoked a pack a week in high school. I stuck the strike between my lips, sparking the lighter and breathing the cherry to life.

"How's it taste?" Juice asked as I coughed out my first breath.

I groaned, leaning forward a little. "Like I haven't done this since high school." I said, covering my mouth as I hacked again.

Juice grinned widely, like I was amusing him. "It's a good hurt though, right?"

I nodded, rubbing my chest like that would somehow help the smoke go down easier. "It's not being thrown into a mirror, that's for sure." Juice's smile melted away a little and I saw concern dance on his features. "Sorry." I said, taking another slow breath of the cigarette, feeling guilty for the comment.

He shook his head, taking a deep breath to fill his lungs with the smoke before blowing it back into the room. He stood slowly, moving around the couch to prop the window open. "My step-dad used to beat me."

I looked up at him sharply as he sat back down. I'd been watching him since he came in the room. He didn't flinch when the door was flung open; he didn't glance at me every three seconds to make sure I wasn't going to hit him. But his eyes did flitter across the room every once in a while, like he thought someone might randomly teleport into the room.

He cracked a smile a little. "I know I don't look it. Getting better is a lot harder than staying broken."

I nodded. His words were true, and I knew that. Staying broken hurt, but it was easy. You didn't have any decisions to make; there was no initiative to take. I finished the cigarette and snubbed it out on the tray in front of the couch.

A hard knock on the door made me jump, made my heart race. Juice stood and moved around the couch to open the door. "Clay, hey." But I heard the catch in Juice's voice. This man scared him. "Kelsi, come here."

I stood, slowly, moving around the couch so that I could see the door, but Juice was between us.

"She's uh… skittish." Juice told the older man with gray hair and a square jaw.

"I can see that, Juice." He said, with a hard tone that left no room for argument. "Kelsi, right?"

I nodded, crossing my arms over my chest and gripping the sides of Jax's hoodie that still hung from my shoulders.

Clay's eyes roved over me and I hated the way it felt like they were grating down my body. I bit my lip, looking away from him as I pulled the hoodie closer to me, trying to cover up as much of my body as I could.

"You want me to step outside and we can talk?" Juice offered.

"No, I don't." Clay said, giving him a hard look, before looking back up at me. "Tig and I have it covered. Just watch your little toy." He said, before moving away from the door.

Juice watched him leave down the hall before turning back to me, seeing how I was standing. "You alright?"

I nodded.

Chibs showed up a minute later, looking almost winded, glancing between Juice and I. "We're rollin' out. Need ya to watch the lass."

Juice glanced at me. "I'll be right back, okay?"

I nodded, knowing they needed to talk. I didn't really want to hear what they had to say anyway, so I sat on the bed, pulling my knees up close to my chin again. Juice closed the door behind him. I could hear Chibs and him whisper to each other through the wood, but I couldn't make out any of the words. It was only another minute before Juice came back in, closing the door behind him.

He glanced at the clock showing it was near midnight. "It's late. Do you want to get some sleep?"

I shook my head. I was tired, but falling asleep somewhere unfamiliar with unfamiliar people wasn't my idea of a good time.

He watched me before slowly moving to sit on the bed, facing me. "I know you're scared. But you're safe here. Nothing bad will happen to you inside these walls."

I bit my lip. "Clay's scary."

Juice let out a nervous chuckle. "He scares the shit out of me."

I smiled a little through my teeth, feeling a little glad it wasn't just me.

"How about you lay down for a little while? I'll sit on the couch and watch TV; make sure nobody gets in here, okay?" He asked.

I watched him for a long minute, taking in the little details I had missed before. The gold rings on his fingers that looked heavy and I'm sure had blood in the little grooves that were hard to clean. The tattoos on his forearms trailing up, peeking out from the sleeves of his shirt, teasing that there might be more of them under the fabric. The way his eyes crinkled when he was concentrating on something.

"How did you get better?" I asked.

He looked at me, a little confused for a second. "After the beatings?"

I nodded.

He shrugged. "I joined the cub. Was the only real family I had anyway. I loved my mom, but she was more interested in pleasing a guy than looking after me." He said and I could feel the full weight of his words. "I knew when I went full patch, I had a family. Somebody who was willing to watch my back and look after me like nobody else had before."

I nodded. "That sounds nice."

"The club could be your family too, if you want it to." He told me.

I shook my head. "I'm no biker."

He grinned. "But I bet you look smokin' hot on a bike."

I blushed, ducking my head to hide the redness from him.

"Will you at least try to get some sleep? For me?" Juice asked, moving to the bed to pull the covers back.

"Can you um… can you give this back to Jax?" I asked, shrugging out of the large hoodie and holding it out to him.

He smiled and nodded. "His room is just down the hall. I'll go put it there for him and I'll be back in just a second." He told me, ducking out of the room and returning quickly.

I looked at the bed and felt the energy drain from my body. I sat on the sheet, rubbing my hand over the clean fabric. "You won't… leave me, right?" I asked, looking up at him with pleading eyes. I needed to know he wasn't going anywhere while I slept.

He smiled. "Definitely not. Here," He said, moving to the other side of the bed, closest to the door. He kicked off his heavy boots before laying on top of the comforter, facing me but putting himself between me and the door. "I'll even lay with you."

I smiled a little, ducking my head. "Haven't had a guy lay on top of the covers with me since Sophomore year of high school. You're giving me all kinds of trips down memory lane tonight." I told him quietly, sliding under the covers of the sheets, separating me from Juice.

He grinned. "Good. Sounds like you had a better high school experience than I did."

I shrugged. "I was average. Didn't get bullied, didn't bully."

"I got picked on, some. I wasn't a very tough kid." He told me honestly.

I smiled softly at him. "And look at you now, mister bad ass biker guy." I spoke quietly.

His grin split open his face and the skin around his eyes crinkled. "Somethin' like that."

I pulled the pillow closer to rest under my shoulder. "Thank you."

He gave me a sad smile. "Thank you for not jumping."

I ducked my head into the blankets to avoid looking at him and took a deep breath of the clean linen. "Goodnight, Juice."

"Goodnight, Kelsi." He told me softly as I closed my eyes, drifting to a restless sleep.

* * *

I woke slowly, like waking up from a dream. I blinked a couple times, trying to see the room. A brief moment of panic enveloped me as I didn't recognize the room I was in. I quickly kicked off the covers before my eyes caught sight of the SAMCRO banner above the bed.

Slowly, I remembered Chibs and Jax pulling me off the bridge and Juice watching The Mummy with me. I looked around. Juice wasn't anywhere in sight. The bathroom was empty and his boots weren't on the floor like they had been when he laid on the covers.

I pulled open the door, not feeling safe in the room by myself. I could hear arguing down the hall and paused, not wanting to get in the middle of a biker brawl when I heard Juice's voice, calling insults. I made my way down the hall and around the corner, pausing as the hall let out into the main bar area I'd been quickly shuffled through last night.

"Don't you fuckin' tell me what I can and can't do with my girl!" Danny yelled, standing close to Juice.

"I hope you're not allergic to nuts. Because I'm gonna kick yours into your throat." Juice spat back.

Danny's eyes moved over Juice's shoulder to me. Juice glanced over his shoulder to see me frozen before giving Danny a hard shove back. Chibs stepped up closer to Juice from behind the bar.

"You best be on your way, laddie." Chibs told him.

"Kelsi, get your ass over here." Danny called between the two bikers.

Without thinking about it, I took a step forward, closer to them.

Juice looked angry. He gave Danny another shove, nearly knocking him off his feet. "Don't tell her what to do." He said before glancing back at me, telling me to stay without the words.

"You whore! I bet you slept with both these biker freaks!" He yelled at me.

Another man taller than Juice came up behind Danny, taking him by the shoulder and turning him around. He threw a strong right hook with his gloved hand, knocking Danny off his feet and making his wild hair bounce a little.

"If you ever talk about another girl like that again, I will not hesitate to chop your balls off and stuff them up your ass." The older, wild haired man said, leaning over Danny. "Now get your ass up and off my goddamn property!" He said, hauling Danny to his feet.

Danny fought out of his grip before looking at me from across the room. "Your ass is mine."

The other man pushed Danny out the front door and I didn't even notice Juice or Chibs had moved until they were right next to me. I could hardly see them through the tears running down my face.

Juice wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him and I latched onto his leather jacket, crying against one of the patches, begging him to keep me safe.

* * *

I'd been living at the clubhouse in one of the spare bedrooms for little over a week now. Chibs had taken on the role of being my caretaker, getting me whatever I'd needed. He'd even talked Clay's wife, Gemma, into letting me help with the bookkeeping for the body shop. I was sitting at the desk in the main office when Tig, an older guy with wild hair, came in.

"Hey Kelsi." He said with a soft smile.

"Hey Tig. What's up?" I asked, looking up from the check register I was trying to balance.

"You seen Juice? He hasn't been in this morning." He said, sounding a little worried.

"Uh, he called me." I said, glancing at the clock. "Half hour ago? Said he was gonna be late because of working on his house."

"Oh, right, yeah, yeah." Tig said, like he just remembered. "You seen it yet?"

I shook my head. "He said something out it being not good enough for anybody to see yet." I said with a shrug.

"You uh, know he's fixin' it up for you, right?" Tig asked, glancing through the glass into the garage to make sure nobody was heading into the office.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "What?"

Tig nodded. "He wants to ask you to move in with him. But you didn't hear it from me." He said, turning tail and leaving through the front door as Opie came in the side door.

"Kelsi, you got that paper for the Ford Taurus? I think this lady is lyin' through her teeth." The tall bearded man with the beanie said.

"Um… yeah." I said, glancing away from the door to dig through a pile of papers. " '02 Taurus." I said, handing him the paper. He thanked me and headed back for the garage, closing the door behind him.

It was almost an hour later when I heard a familiar motorcycle pull into the lot in front of the office. The rest of the club was either in the shop working, or not planned to be back for three more days. I stood from the desk, feeling the need to stretch and I pulled open the door and leaned against the frame to watch Juice back his Dyna into his spot.

He killed the machine and looked up at me, smiling like he was surprised to see me at work. I ducked my head back into the office, looking at the clock. "You're almost two hours late, Ortiz."

He smiled, bounding over to me and stopping within five feet of me. "I had my reasons."

I cocked an eyebrow at him. "You ever tried explaining those reasons to Clay? Who came by half an hour ago, looking for you?"

His face fell and I smiled, letting him know I was lying. "You're mean." He told me.

I shrugged. "You're two hours late. I'm gonna give you shit."

"I told you, I had good reasons." He said, pushing his sunglasses off his nose and onto his head.

"Like?" I asked, knowing I was probing.

He shook his head. "You wanna move in with me?"

I cocked an eyebrow at him, not moving from my place against the door frame. "What?"

"You wanna move in with me?" He asked again with a smile on his face. "Clay is about to kick you out of the club house anyway, and Chibs is getting tired of us watching movies in his room. I've got a spare room with your name on it, and a killer surround sound system and a big flat screen TV."

I shook my head at him, wondering if he was crazy. But if I thought about it, it was logical. Clay hadn't directly told me to vacate, but every time he looked at me, I knew I was taking up precious space in his little clubhouse. I bit my lip, nodding at Juice.

"Really?" He asked, sounding like he hadn't expected me to say yes.

"Yeah." I said with a smile. "We'd be doing the exact same thing anyway, just not annoying everybody else. I can do that."

He grinned. "Good. I was kinda gettin' worried that Danny knew where the clubhouse was anyway."

I nodded. "Me too. You've got a Ford Fusion to work on." I told him, turning and making my way into the office.

"Ugh. I hate economy cars." Juice groaned, pushing the door closed.


	2. Part 2 Broken Measures

I sat alone in Juice's house. The couch was firm, but comfortable and I'd fallen asleep on it half a dozen times in the last two weeks, since I'd moved in with Juice. He liked to stay up late watching movies and while I did too, I hadn't been allowed to stay up past 10 since I'd gotten with Danny. If I thought about it, it'd been almost two years. Two years next month, actually. I was realizing that no matter how much you wanted to, it was hard to break patterns.

The house was safe for me though. I hadn't been here long, but the thing I'd adjusted to the quickest was moving around the house how I liked. Juice and I worked well together. He cooked one night and then I cooked the next, and whoever didn't cook did dishes. We hadn't planned it that way, it just seemed like it always played out that way. And it was nice to go to the fridge and get food whenever I wanted it, instead of having to ask permission.

The thing that had me worried right now, at almost one in the morning, was that Juice was gone. He'd left with a bunch of others from the club to look for Danny. Clay had filed charges for me against Danny, as he apparently had more influence with the police then some rundown girl did. I'd had to go down to the station and let a police officer and a nurse look at the bruises I'd still had at the time, along with my previous injuries that had already healed.

All the nurse had to do was pull my record at the hospital to see all the ER trips I'd taken without Danny knowing and she confirmed my story. I knew I was lucky. I'd heard stories of women who got away from their abuser and he never got any jail time, never saw the inside of a court room, or continued to harass them. But with the club's pull, they'd picked Danny up within the next 24 hours after that.

But he'd somehow escaped his cell at the station he was being held in. Nobody had seen him or heard from him. He'd gotten out almost 48 hours ago and someone had told me the longer they're out, the less likely they are to be found.

I was horrified, if I was being honest with anybody. The thought that he could be within a block radius of this place and not know where I here was terrifying. Juice had told me not to leave the house. I wasn't allowed at work, I wasn't allowed to get groceries; he told me I couldn't even check the mail. I still didn't have a car, so it wasn't like I could go very far anyway. Juice's house, although still in town, wasn't exactly down town close to anything interesting.

So I sat on the couch with the curtains drawn. I could've turned the TV on or read a book, but my mind was flying a hundred miles an hour. Juice had left me with one of his many nine millimeter pistols and showed me how to work it, but I hadn't fired a gun since I was back home in Georgia, almost ten years ago. I didn't know if I could still even work one.

A knock on the door sent my heart into my throat. I stayed still, hoping whoever it was would go away. I heard the knob jiggle, like whoever was trying to get inside. My hand closed around the handle of the gun with shaky fingers.

Another knock made me whimper a little bit and pray they'd just leave. "Kelsi, its Jax. Open up." Jax called from the other side of the wood.

I almost sighed in relief, standing up and going to the door. I unlocked the deadbolt and the knob, still carrying a death grip on the pistol. "Don't fucking do that. You almost fucking died." I told him firmly.

He reached down, taking the gun in one hand and my hand in his other, pulling my hand off the gun. "You're fine darlin'. Don't think you need this for a while." He told me.

"S-sorry." I said, smoothing my hair back out of my face.

"This is Happy. He's been out of town for a week and a half at one of the other charters." Jax told me, directing my attention to the mean looking Hispanic behind him.

I paused. He was older, probably close to Tig's age. His head was shaved bald, but the peach fuzz sticking up was salt and pepper in color. His brown eyes were set and unwavering, and he seemed to have a permanent scowl on his face. He was absolutely the scariest looking member in the club I'd met so far, second only to the club president, Clay. "Hi." I said meekly, feeling like his stare might punch me in the face on its own.

"Heard your Juice's old lady." He said, coming into the house and scanning the room like there might be armed men positioned around the kitchen and living room.

"His… what?" I asked, looking at Jax.

Juice had tried his best to catch me up on the lingo I'd never heard before, but I was slow to the draw. And because I didn't have the club mentality, some of it didn't even make sense to me. I'd learned there were rules. If church was in session, you didn't knock unless the building was on fire or a wife was dead. And women absolutely were not allowed in at all, period. Croweaters were at the club house every night, but they weren't allowed to paw at the married men, or less be kicked from the clubhouse. This, I had learned.

Jax shrugged, looking around like he'd never seen the house before, despite the fact we'd had him over for dinner just three nights ago, right before everything fell apart. "An old lady is a wife or girlfriend of a member."

I nodded, looking back at Happy and shaking my head a little. "We're not together."

"Right." Happy said, his words dripping with sarcasm. "You know how to use that piece?"

I stalled out for a moment, my brain trying to catch up with his words. "Oh, the gun. Yeah. Yeah, I shot all the time back home."

"Where are you from, anyway?" Jax asked, leaning to sit on the back of the couch.

"Georgia." I told him, rubbing the back of my neck. Of everything I wanted to think about, home was directly above being backhanded by a man with a heavy ring on. My fingers found the long thin scar on my cheek that was three weeks old.

"Does Juice know that?" Happy asked, leaning on the couch the same way Jax was.

I nodded. Juice and I had learned a lot about each other in the last two weeks. He didn't know everything about me and I didn't have much intention to tell him it all, but he'd told me how he couldn't protect me if he didn't know me. So we'd spent the evening getting drunk and then he introduced me to weed for the first time. It had bothered me the first time. My face felt tingly and my fingers wouldn't stop moving, but my chest was light and I didn't know why, but I'd giggled a lot. We'd spilled a lot of stuff that night.

"Who taught you to shoot?" Happy asked.

I rubbed the back of my neck again and looked around the room like there would be something else I could direct the conversation towards. I hated questions like these. "My dad did."

"Bad memories?" Jax asked, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pack of cigarettes before handing it to Happy and lighting his. Happy took one and held the pack out to me. I hadn't been smoking that much lately. Juice went through a pack in three days and I was still working on the pack he'd given me the day he'd kicked Danny out of the clubhouse.

"Nobody's old man is perfect, mine included." I told him, taking the lighter from Happy and sucking on the smoke before letting it out of my lungs. "Are you guys hungry or thirsty? I've got brews, whiskey, pizza." I said, moving towards the kitchen so I didn't have to look directly at them anymore.

"Yeah, a beer please." Jax said and Happy nodded. I grabbed two. Handing Jax his was easy; he'd helped save my life and I'd forever be in his debt. And despite his similar appearance to my most recent ex, his attitude and moral compass was exactly the opposite. Handing one to Happy was a little harder, because every time he jerkily moved his hand, I'd wonder for a brief second if he was moving towards my face.

"You alright?" Happy asked.

"Y-yeah." I told him, handing him the beer quickly and moving back towards the fridge, sucking on the smoke.

"Darlin, ya look tired. Maybe you should try to sleep. We'll watch over ya." Jax told me.

"I'm fine, but thank you for the concern." I told him sincerely, looking him in the eye from across the room so he knew I meant the truth. And although I trusted Jax, and Happy was part of the club, I wasn't comfortable falling asleep with a stranger in the house.

"Don't look like you've slept in a week." Happy said bluntly, making me turn to him.

"His words are harsh, but he's actually concerned too." Jax told me, like he was translating another language.

"I'm fine, thank you." I said sharply, making sure to look at Happy.

It was the snippiest I'd been since Juice had moved me in. I was still adjusting to being around a lot of guys, and people that cared. Juice and I went back and forth, but my bond with him was much different than the bond I had with any other guy. Chibs was never really snippy with me, only ever lightly teasing me and although Tig could give a hardcore tease like you'd never seen, I still wasn't sure around him. He could never slow his movements, always reacting strongly to anything happening around him, making it hard for me to be in the room with him.

Jax smiled, looking over at Happy as he sipped his beer. "She's fine, Happy."

"She's a fuckin' liar." Happy said, his face forever expressionless.

I turned away from him, Danny's words floating around my head.

 _'You stupid bitch, don't fucking argue with the man of the house.'_

 _'If you speak up one more time, you'll be more black and blue than white.'_

 _'What the fuck are you doing? You're a piece of meat, not a man. You can't fucking think for yourself.'_

I shook my head, throwing the cigarette butt in the trash. I glanced around the room, locking my eyes on the window above the sink, across from the fridge. The tree outside the window, a small willow, was blowing in the gentle breeze of the late night. I felt like I had to anchor myself on something or I was going to slip away. Somewhere in the back of my head, I knew both men were watching me. But Danny had never hit me for this action, because it meant I wasn't bothering him with my incessant complaining.

The willow swayed back and forth, and I thought how strong it was. Everyone in the world could tell this tree that it was stupid, useless, pathetic, worthless. But it didn't matter. The tree still stood strong and unyielding.

A hand touched my shoulder and I yelped, tripping over my own feet to get away from the man. My chest heaved as Happy stood over me, his face twisted in worry.

"We tried to talk to you, but you wouldn't answer." Happy told me.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I said, feeling like I couldn't catch my breath as I tried to push myself against the cabinet. How desperately I wanted to melt into the wood and paint and never be seen again.

"I'm not gonna hurt you." He told me slowly.

I nodded, almost franticly. "I know. I'm sorry. You just scared me." I said quickly, just trying to get the words out of my mouth.

Slowly, he squatted down in front of me. I could see Jax from behind Happy's shoulder, still on the couch, but watching intently. I didn't like Happy being so close to me, it made my chest tighten. "I'm not gonna hurt you." He told me quietly, but firmly.

I bit my lip, feeling my eyes tear up. As much as Happy made me fearful, I knew well enough that a member of the club would never hurt me. I'd hate to see what kind of wrath Clay unleased on anybody who even thought of such a thing. I nodded, taking a shaky breath. "I know. I know that." I told him, bringing my knees up to my chest. "I can't… I can't help it." I said, burying my head in my legs as the tears spilled over.

I heard Happy move and I felt the pressure of his arm against my side. Another moment and there was the clinking of Jax's wallet chain hitting the tile before there was pressure on my other side. "It's alright darlin'. It'll take time. But we'll get you better."

Panic enveloped me and I shook my head quickly. "No. I can't. I'm gonna be this broken piece of shit for the rest of my life, worthless except to cook." I said, my voice cracking.

"Kelsi, listen to me. You're not worthless. The best thing about being broken is that there's a way to fix it." Jax told me, leaning into me.

"Have you ever seen a broken mirror?" I asked him.

I saw Jax shake his head out of the corner of my eye. "Nah, darlin'. You're no mirror." He told me, gently moving a strand of hair out of my wet eyes. "Mirrors are fragile, easy to break and impossible to reassemble. You're like an engine."

A tilt of my head gave me a better view of his face. "What do you mean?"

"An engine is strong; it puts out enough horse power to pull a trailer, enough torque to rip tires off the rims. But every once in a while, something in it breaks. Sometimes it's easy to repair, sometimes it's a bitch. But no matter what it's doin' or what broke, there's always a way to fix it." He told me, wiping away a wandering tear.

I cracked a smile, wondering how a fuck up like me ended up with the nicest biker dudes on the planet. I scrubbed at my face, erasing the rest of the stray water. "You guys are too good to me."

Happy nudged me from the other side, a small smile on his face, the first expression I'd seen from him. "I told you I was concerned."

I cracked another smile, leaning into him a little. "You're pretty scary though." I said quietly.

His eyebrows drew together in confusion and he looked at Jax, around me. "Why does everybody think I'm scary?"

Jax chuckled loudly. "You've got a fuckin' scowl on your face from the moment you wake up. If I didn't know you, I'd hate you meet you in a dark alley."

I nodded a little, looking back at Happy.

"Shit." Happy said, like he genuinely had no idea he constantly looked pissed.

"Have you guys heard from Juice?" I asked, looking at Jax.

He shook his head. "He called me to say he'd found a lead on Danny, but he wanted somebody over here with you. Happy and I were the only ones in the clubhouse."

I nodded, looking back at the tile. "He's good to me." I mumbled, feeling the need to actually say the words out loud.

"He's a good kid." Happy nodded.

"I think you're good to him too, darlin'." Jax said.

I shrugged. "I just kinda here. I don't do anything for him."

"He's better since you got here." Happy spoke.

I looked at him. "Better how?"

"Kid's always had problems. He doesn't flinch like you do, but you can tell he got his ass whooped a lot." Jax told me.

"It's in the eyes." Happy explained.

"He seems glad to just have you around." Jax said.

I looked at the back of the couch, out across the room. "Nobody's ever been glad to have me around." I said quietly, remembering how I'd been the youngest child of three with two constantly distracted parents.

"We are." Jax told me firmly and I knew he could see me slipping away.

I nodded, leaning my head back on the cabinet to look up at the popcorn ceiling.

Motorcycles were heard down the road, making me look towards the door. I could always tell the sound of Juice's Dyna. He'd told me how he'd tweaked the exhaust so that it had this kind of whistle that was slightly different than the rest of the club's bikes. I'd never really understood it, as I didn't know much about motorcycles, but I could tell his was different.

Three bikes pulled into the driveway, turning off almost in sequence before the front door opened. Juice scanned the house before finding the three of us on the kitchen tile. His face turned to instant worry. "What? What happened?"

"I kind of fell apart." I said quietly.

Bobby and Half Sack stood behind Juice as he moved closer to me, falling to his knees in front of me, concern in his eyes. "What happened?"

"Happy spooked me and I freaked out. He just barely touched me and I had all these… bad memories." I said, shaking my head, trying to make sure the tears wouldn't well up again.

"It's okay." Juice said, gently touching my cheek so I'd look at him again.

"I'm sorry." I told him, feeling helpless.

"Don't be sorry. You're fine, alright? It takes time to heal." He spoke quietly. I nodded a little. "C'mere." Juice said, holding his arms open. I crawled across the tile and into his arms. He held me tightly against his chest and I felt safe again. "There's different degrees of broken, different measures. Nobody gets better overnight." He told me kindly.

I nodded, remaining silent for a moment. "Did you find him?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah, yeah we did. That's why I rushed home. Tig and Chibs have him tied up at the clubhouse so we can talk to him." Juice told me.

I nodded. "Yeah, okay. You should go." I told him, pulling away from him.

"But you need me." He spoke.

I smiled at him, touching his shoulder. "And this is how I need you." I told him softly.

He watched me for a long moment before he nodded. "I'll be back as soon as we're done, alright?"

I smiled. "I'll be here." I told him, moving to lean back against the cabinet.

"I'll stay with her." Happy spoke from my right side.

"Good. I want to rip this guy's head off." Jax said, jumping up from the tile and moving towards the other three bikers.

Juice looked back at me, silently asking me if this is what I wanted; for him to leave.

I nodded with a smile. "Go on. Happy's got my back. And if he scares me again, I can shoot him." I joked with a small smile.

Jax, Bobby and Half Sack chuckled loudly while Juice smiled. "Make sure it's where he'll bleed a lot."

I nodded, although I had no worries about needing to shoot Happy.

"I'll be back as soon as I can." And with that, Juice headed out the door with the other three members.

"Still scared of me?" Happy asked after Bobby had closed the door behind him.

I bit my lip. "Only a little." I told him honestly.

He nodded. "Better than I was ten minutes ago." He said, standing up slowly, which I appreciated, and holding his hand out for me. "Make popcorn. I'll get a movie."


	3. Part 3 Devastating the Obvious

Sitting at the bar in the clubhouse, I watched the wall holding most of the liquor. The place was all but dead. Jax stood behind the bar, wiping out glasses while Half Sack watched a TV show about car collectors. Half Sack. I'd almost gagged when he'd told me the story of his favorite nickname. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he wore it like a badge of honor. Half Sack, because he was missing half of his sack.

"You alright?" Jax asked.

I looked up at him, over my shot of Jack Daniels. I was only three deep and it'd hardly made a dent in my mood. I nodded, sipping the shot. It'd been almost three weeks since the guys had found Danny. I didn't know what had happened to him and I didn't want to, I just appreciated the fact he was gone and out of my life forever.

But I was still broken. I could tell that I was getting better. I didn't flinch as badly when someone raised their arm, I wasn't constantly scanning for an exit route. But then there was Jax, who still gave me conflicts inside myself.

His similar appearance to Danny was constantly making me do double takes and I'd almost had a panic attack last week. Outside the clubhouse was a boxing ring the guys liked to take turns in, especially if they'd had a rough week or were really drunk on a Friday night. Jax usually won his matches and it was only very rarely because he was the VP. But Jax and Juice were going at it when Jax nailed Juice square in the jaw, sending Juice to the ground. With sweaty hair and angry eyes, the only thing that had told me, no, this isn't Danny was the fact he'd then helped Juice up off the mat.

The differences were minor to someone not paying attention, but I could see them. Jax had dark hazel eyes; Danny had bright, piercing blue ones. Danny's face was pock-marked from years of high school acne and the scars never faded all the way. Jax had a little impression of a scar under his lips that widened a little every time he smiled. Jax would crack a joke and smile; while I had only ever seen Danny smile a handful of times and he'd always been drunk when it happened.

Every time I thought I was doing better, Jax would move or say something, and I had to honestly consider which situation I was in. Yesterday, he'd thrown a wrench in the garage, just on the other side of the window from the office and in my head, I saw him barging in, pulling me out of the chair and pinning me to the wall, while yelling at me for being a stupid whore. Jax never entered the office, nor did I see the end of his anger, except from the other side of the window.

Jax picked up a bottle of whiskey and put it to his lips, tipping it back and taking a pull. I paused. My mind knew it was Jax, but my memory saw Danny standing there in his suit, fresh home from work. He had pulled the bottle away from his mouth, wiping his lips on the back of his hand.

"Where's my dinner?" He asked harshly.

"You… you didn't call when you left work like you normally do. I didn't-" I was cut off, his hand around my throat as he pushed me against the closest wall. The fire in his eyes should've melted my skin and singed my hair.

"You didn't make dinner?" He growled, reminding me of the TV shows about wild animals.

"J-just give me a little time-" I started again before I was being sent sideways into the floor, making my head hit the hardwood.

"You had all fuckin' day to make dinner, being home by your bitch ass self and there's no fuckin' food on the table." He told me, reaching down to grab a handful of hair.

"I'm sorry." I cried, tears filling my eyes at the pain.

"Do you know what happens to whores that don't make dinner for their man?" He growled in my ear, pulling me close to him.

I did. I did know and it almost wrenched a sob out of my throat. I nodded, just barely, as his grip on my hair didn't allow much more.

"Whores that don't make dinner get branded, isn't that right? I guess you're too stupid to learn the first time." He told me, moving me into the dining room and forcing me into one of the chairs. He grabbed the duck tape from the hall closet and tried my arms and legs to the chair before heading into the living room, where the fireplace was roaring.

I hung my head, trying to hide my wet face. He didn't like it when I cried. He didn't like me making noise at all. So when he came back around the corner with the fireplace poker glowing orange-red at the tip, I bit my lip.

"Stay fuckin' quiet, or you're getting another one." He told me, pressing the poker to the skin on my forearm.

It only burned for a second before I could barely feel it anymore. My brain told me he probably only did this for five seconds, but it felt like ten minutes. My breath left me and I felt like I was going to pass out, biting my lip hard enough to make it bleed.

"Good bitch." He said from above me somewhere.

"Kelsi?"

I looked up and over to see Jax on the other side of the bar, leaning against it, looking concerned. My fingers were playing with the burnt skin that had healed badly on my forearm. "What's up?" I asked.

"You zoned out for a while there. Just wanted to make sure you're alright." He told me, watching me carefully.

I nodded, smiling a little. In the short time I'd been given with the guys, I'd learned it was easier to cover up my real feelings with a smile then try to explain them and get the 'broken toy' look. Juice could see the pain behind my smile, but most of the other guys didn't call my bluff. "Yeah, I'm good. I just haven't been sleeping much." It was true. I'd woken up with nightmares every night this week and once, Juice had to come in and hold me because I was shaking and crying so badly.

"Maybe you should see a doctor." Jax suggested.

I shook my head. "Nah, never was much for paying somebody a couple hundred bucks to tell me I'm fucked up." I said, finishing off my shot and tapping the glass before pushing it closer to him.

He raised the bottle, pouring me another before setting it back under the counter. "You know we're just trying to help, right?"

"Old habits die hard and all that fun stuff." I said in a low breath, downing the shot in one toss. My family had always had a high tolerance for alcohol, so I had no worries about getting too drunk here. Jax was taking me home anyway.

Jax nodded, flinging a towel over his shoulder. My mind transported me to 4th of July last year, when we'd gone to a barbeque his work was hosting at the local park. It wasn't a neighborhood gathering like we'd had in Georgia, but it was nice to be around other people. Danny had been in charge of the grill, constantly pulling the towel off his shoulder to wipe his hands and toss it back over his shoulder again.

A child running around had made me drop my plate, one of the dogs at the park coming to clean up the mess. I could still feel how tightly he'd gripped my arm when we'd got out of the car, as he dragged me into the house. The bruise had lasted almost a week and a half. Once he'd closed the door, he threw me away from him, sending me to the floor and clipping my shoulder on the edge of the couch.

"How fucking dare you." He growled. "How dare you embarrass me like that? And then have the fucking gall to get another plate of food?!" His shoe landed heavily in my ribs, making all my breath leave me in a whoosh. "I give you the ability to eat at a work function and this is how you repay me?" He asked, sending another kick to my stomach.

I leaned towards the floor, coughing and sputtering, feeling like I couldn't catch my breath.

Fingers snapped in front of me, startling me so bad, I had to catch myself from falling off the barstool. Strong fingers closed around my arm and my chest filled with panic until my eyes focused on the fact Jax was trying to save me from my tumble. "Sorry. I don't know what that was." I told him, righting myself on the chair so he could let go of me.

"Where do you go when you fuzz out like that?" He asked me quietly.

"Everywhere I don't want to be." I told him honestly.

"It's because I look like him, right?" Jax asked.

"Hey guys. I'm goin' to bed." Half Sack called, waving as he headed for the bunk rooms.

"Night." I told him, before turning back to Jax. I had every intention to avoid his question and play-forget he'd asked it, but he watched me intently. I thought about my answer carefully. "I know you're not him. You've got hazel eyes instead of blue ones and you've got that cool scar under your lip." I said. "But when I'm not paying attention and the light catches you, I panic a little."

He nodded, like he'd come to the same conclusion. "Is there anything I can do to make it better?"

"Jax, you saved my life. You and Chibs are literally the reason I'm sitting here." I told him, setting my hand on his.

"But I look like your psycho ex-boyfriend." He told me.

"But you look like my psycho ex-boyfriend." I nodded, looking out across the room.

"You want me to take you home?" He asked.

I nodded. "That'd be nice, thank you."

He nodded as if to say 'no problem' and threw the towel down on the bar, moving towards the main doors leading outside. He got on and kicked the bike to life, and when I was safely seated, he pulled the throttle and we sailed out of the TM parking lot and down the road to Juice's house. He parked in the driveway and killed the engine to let me off.

"Juice should be back by midnight. If he's not, give me a call." He told me.

I nodded. "Thanks for everything, Jax. Even if you do look like my psycho ex-boyfriend." I told him, cracking a little smile.

The blonde smiled back at me, shaking his head a little. "If he's not back, call me." He said, making the bike roar to life and speeding off down the street.

I turned and made my way inside, toeing off my shoes and hanging my jacket on the back of the dining room chair. I sat on the couch, cuddling up with a pillow, wondering how long it'd take Juice. He was out of town with a couple of the other guys at another charter. They were supposed to be back around lunch time, but had called and told us the truck had to be repaired before they could get on the road again.

At 11:40, the motorcycle engine died in the garage and the front door pushed open, revealing the heavy footsteps of an exhausted looking Puerto Rican. "Hey." I said quietly.

He shuffled over and kind of fell into the couch. "Hey." He said in the same tone.

"Long drive?" I asked, despite the fact I already knew the answer.

He nodded before looking at me. "You okay?"

I nodded. "I'm just having really bad flashbacks." I told him honestly, leaning on his shoulder.

He nodded. "Let's get you to bed."

I shook my head. "Just lay here and fall asleep. I'll get you a blanket."

"I have a perfectly good bed down the hall." He spoke up.

"But you're exhausted. I'll tuck myself in, just kick back." I told him, untying his shoes so he could kick them off. I stood, going to the hall closet that kept extra bed linens. The fact he even had extra surprised me more than anything.

"You're too good to me." Juice said, shrugging out of his cut, which I took from him to hang on the chair, and exchanged it for the blanket.

"You're better to me." I told him honestly. But he was already falling fast asleep, his breathing quickly evening out. "Goodnight Juice." I said quietly, moving back towards my bedroom.

* * *

I only had one nightmare that evening and it was of Jax attacking me, forcing me to the ground and climbing on top of me, threatening my life. He even had the scar and dark eyes. I'd woken with a start, but I wasn't screaming or crying, so I marked it as a win.

When I finally crawled out of bed and got clothed enough to move out to the kitchen, I found Juice, shirtless, standing in front of the oven. I stopped moving quietly to watch him for a moment. The morning sun came in through the window, casting him in golden light. He didn't have socks on his feet either, moving around the room barefooted.

He moved with a kind of grace I admired. Juice, since I'd known him, had been light on his feet, always recovering quickly from topples or stumbles. I had the grace of a rock on the bottom of the ocean; if you pushed me, I just fell over.

It took another moment, but he paused and turned, catching my eyes. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Just now." I said, shaking my head and ducking my line of sight as I moved closer to him. "What's for breakfast?"

"Pancake Saturday." He told me, flipping the flapjack. I had known this before I opened my mouth, but for some reason I kept expecting something else Saturday mornings for breakfast, but Juice was committed to his Pancake Saturdays.

"What kind today?" I asked, leaning around his shoulder to take a whiff.

"Cinnamon and sugar." He told me.

I nodded. "Sounds good." I told him, making my way to the coffee pot.

"Jax called already. He wants us at the clubhouse after breakfast." Juice spoke up.

I turned to him, slightly confused. "He wants both of us at the clubhouse?" Usually, I just ended up at the clubhouse after work, or if I was waiting on Juice. I couldn't remember ever being invited to the clubhouse.

Juice nodded. "He said he had something to show us." He commented with a shrug of his bare shoulders.

I'd learned that all the guys ran their own little things, they just met together as a club. Jax, being the VP, usually knew more of what was going on than anybody, but all the guys were slightly unpredictable.

So Juice finished the pancakes and dished them up for us. We ate in silence until we were done and I excused myself to change clothes. After that task was completed, Juice rode us into the shop, parking in his normal spot before climbing off and helping me along. Juice held open one of the main doors for me and I waited until he was close to me to keep moving.

Chibs, Tig, Half Sack and Jax were sitting on stools at the bar. Chibs, Tig, and Sack were watching us while Jax was telling an animated story, his face directed away from us.

"Hey man." Juice spoke up after the VP had finished his story.

"Hey." Jax said, turning around to look at us.

I yelped. I hadn't expected his face to… not look like his face. He wore his cut and hoodie like normal, despite the near 75 degree weather. But his face had been painted. There was a blue triangle above and below both eyes, a red circle on the tip of his nose, and red across his lips. He looked just like a clown.

"Man, you scared the crap out of me. Clowns are not cool." I told him, putting my hand over my heart and trying to catch my breath.

"You like it?" Jax grinned, making him look slightly eerie.

"What's with the makeup man? You got a new side job?" Juice joked with a smile.

Jax shook his head, standing up and coming over to me. "I wanted you to think about something else."

I shook my head, his smile creeping me out a little still. "I don't understand."

Chibs stood up to come around behind me, setting his hands on my shoulders so we both looked towards Jax. "He gave ya somethin' to see on his face other than yer past, lass."

I could almost feel the light bulb click above my head. "You… painted your face so I wouldn't see Danny anymore; I'd see you in clown makeup."

Jax grinned like a fool. "Whatcha think, darlin'?"

I shook my head. I couldn't actually believe him right now. "I don't… I don't know what to say." I never would've thought of painting someone's face so that was how I'd remember them. I couldn't believe this small act of kindness. I could already feel the impact it was having. And he was right; I couldn't see Danny's face in his anymore. I just wanted to call him Jax the Clown.

"It helpin'?" He asked warily.

Tears sprang up in my eyes and I moved to hug him tightly. His arms wrapped around me, squeezing me into his leather and cotton, kissing the top of my head. "You're the best." I told him against his jacket.

"Just tryin' to help, darlin'." He told me quietly.

I nodded, pulling away from him to wipe my eyes. "You did. You really did."

"But you're crying." He said, looking hurt.

I smiled, reaching for the stray water at the corner of my eyes. "It's happy tears. I'm happy."

Juice came around to my side, pulling me into a one armed hug while I could feel Chibs' hand on my other shoulder. I felt protected, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like somebody cared. I looked around the room at the group of bikers. "Thank you. I mean it." I said, looking at all of them.

They all grinned widely and I knew that even if I never went home again, these guys were my family now. It was the best family I'd ever had.


	4. Part 4 Running on Ice

"Are you ready?" Juice called to me from the living room.

I stood in front of my vanity, trying desperately to get my earring through the hole in my ear. I sighed loudly, getting frustrated. "Stupid piece of shit." I mumbled. "This is why I'm not allowed to go out."

Something caught the corner of my eye and I turned, still trying to get the earring in to see Juice leaning against the threshold of my room. There was a look in his eye I couldn't place and it worried me. "What? What's wrong?" I asked as the earring finally fell into place.

"Why do you talk to yourself like that?" He asked quietly.

I ducked my head, looking away from him. "You know I've always talked to myself."

He shook his head, moving into my line of sight so I had to look at him. "Why do you talk to yourself in that way?"

I looked at him for a long moment before shrugging hopelessly. "Did it for so long, don't know how to not anymore."

Juice gave me a sad look, gently setting his hand on my cheek. "I'm gonna change that."

I shook my head, pulling away from him to look for my scarf in the closet. Gemma had given me one to hide the scars on my neck and throat. I didn't mind Juice seeing them; we lived together. But I still didn't feel good about the club seeing them.

"Why don't you believe me?"

His words made me pause. "Because just you taking me in and letting me stay here is enough. You don't have to fix me; you don't even have to care for me." I told him, turning around and wrapping the scarf around my neck.

"But I do." He told me sternly.

The strength and emotion he put into the simple words made me stall out, my fingers barely touching the cotton around my neck. "Why?" I knew this wasn't exactly 'pep talk before we go to the family barbeque' talk, but I needed to know. I stepped closer to him so I could look up at him. "Why does it matter so much to you?"

"Because I care about you." Juice told me, gently setting a hand on my arm.

Loud banging came from the front door, making me jump. "Juicey! Where ya at, lad?" Chibs yelled from behind the wood before I heard the door open.

"Chibs, why ya gotta bang so loud?" Juice asked, taking a step into the hallway to look at the Scot.

"To get yer attention, o'course. Are ya ready or no?" He asked, sounding exasperated.

Juice looked back at me as if asking if I was ready. I nodded, tightening the scarf so it wouldn't blow off on the bike ride over to the clubhouse.

"Ah, mah darlin', ya look lovely." Chibs grinned, making his scars crinkle at the sides of his mouth.

I blushed, ducking my head. "Ya don't look so bad yerself, laddie." I told him. I'd taken up his accent in the last week. The guys had been sitting around doing accents for fun. Hearing Chibs try to talk without his accent was the downright funniest thing I'd ever heard. But I'd picked up his accent easily, just having to hear him talk to be able to throw it back.

Chibs grinned wider, if it was possible. "I love a lass with a good bite to 'er words."

I smiled up at him. "So I heard we have a barbeque to get to?" I asked, looking between Juice and Chibs in mock-confusion.

Chibs smiled and set his hand on my shoulder, giving me a squeeze. "Off we be then." He said, turning and heading for the door.

"Don't think I forgot what we were talking about." Juice mumbled quietly next to me.

"What?" I asked, pretending I didn't know what he was talking about.

He gave me the stink eye before holding to door to the garage open and closing it behind me. We mounted his bike and took off after Chibs, easily catching up to him. We were at the clubhouse in minutes, killing the engine and getting off the metal piece on wheels.

Juice led us over to the clubhouse where there was fire going in several of the metal drums. Crow eaters were everywhere, smiling and laughing with the guys. Bobby alone had three standing around him and I shook my head.

"Kelsi." Gemma said with a smile, seeing me.

"Hey Gemma." I said, reaching to give her a hug. I'd learned quickly that Gemma didn't do handshakes.

"How are you?" She asked. I hadn't been about the clubhouse lately, as I hadn't had a reason. I went to work and came home with Juice.

"Good. Better." I relented with a nod.

"Good." She said with a smile. "I'm gonna find Clay. I'll see you later."

We nodded as she moved away. "A drink?" Juice asked and I nodded. He moved inside and I followed him. The worst thing I had a problem with now was the large groups of people. Juice did well to stay right by my side, taking my hand if he felt I was moving too far from him.

"Barkeep, your finest whiskey for the lady." Juice said with a smile to Half Sack.

Sack rolled his eyes, pouring us both shots of Jack. "Having fun?" He asked, leaning towards me a little to be heard over the music.

I nodded, tossing back my shot with a throw of my head. "Better now."

Sack grinned, pouring Juice and I another shot. Jax and Opie showed up not long after. Jax made a beeline for me, smiling at me. "Ya made it, darlin'." He said, giving me a hug.

I smiled, hugging him back. Thanks to a little clown face paint, I couldn't even see the resemblance of my ex in his features anymore unless I looked hard; all I saw was some triangles, circles, and red lipstick. "Of course I made it. Do I look like somebody who misses a barbeque?"

"I'm glad you came." Jax said and his every word was sincere.

"Me too." I told him, squeezing his hand a little. "Opie! You trimmed your beard."

His face broke open in a grin and I think seeing the biker smile was one of my favorite things. "Just a little." He told me, fingering his facial hair.

"It looks good." I nodded, although I knew I was the last person he'd need approval from.

We sat around for almost two hours, drinking and bullshitting. The barbeque was almost gone and Gemma was starting to clean up the kitchen when I decided I needed a smoke. I stole Juice's pack with the sticky fingers my brother had taught me in high school when he'd steal cigarettes from the corner store, and I headed outside.

There were a lot of people outside. It was a nice evening with fair weather. I lit my smoke and took a deep drag. The Crow eaters smiled at me and offered to get me something to drink. I politely declined and they went around me. I wasn't dating Juice, but I was living with him, which naturally ranked me above them, even though I didn't need or want to. It was just the food chain and how it had played out.

I stomped out the butt when a van pulled into the lot. Something in my gut gave me a weird feeling and I turned tail, heading back inside. I quickly found Juice and asked if he was expecting anybody outside of the club coming.

Opie and Juice turned to me, looking slightly alarmed. "No, why?" Juice asked.

"This van pulled into the lot and I just got this bad feeling." I told him.

"Let's go check it out." Opie said and Juice nodded, looking at me to stay where I was. I nodded and they starting to walk away.

They hadn't even gotten ten feet from me when bullets sprayed the wall to my right. I hit the floor and tried to cover my head. I heard people screaming and yelling. Somebody was trying to run for the back door when they got gunned down. I couldn't see anything. The bullets made the drywall explode and the wooden beams splinter out.

Somebody crawled over to me and covered me with their body. I had no objections, feeling terrified and worried. I didn't want Juice or any of the guys to get injured or die. I was sure I screamed at some point, but I couldn't really remember it. The gunshots seemed to span ten or fifteen minutes before it stopped.

I was breathing heavy and there were hands on the side of my face. When my eyes came into focus, Juice was on his knees in front of me, his mouth moving quickly. My hearing took another moment to come back before I heard him asking if I was okay or if I was hurt.

"I'm okay." I wasn't sure how, but the words made it out of my mouth.

"Are you sure?" His voice was urgent, but my head was spinning from the noise and the explosions.

I nodded against his hands and he raced off to somebody else. I saw blood on the walls and the floor and I made myself not look at them. I knew I'd fall apart if I looked at them. I remembered being in high school, spending the night at a boy's house for the first time. He'd asked about my scars; the ones I'd gotten from growing up with an abusive family. I'd told him I'd been a clumsy child and he'd believed me.

To be honest, I forgot they were there most of the time. If I didn't look at them, I could pretend they didn't exist. But they did, the same way the dead bodies around me on the floor did. I pulled my head down to my knees, trying to pull myself together. I couldn't hear any ambient noise, like crying or rubble being moved. I just pulled in close to myself and prayed there were few casualties.

I was startled when someone shook my shoulder. I turned to see a medic sitting there with her lips moving. I squinted, trying to hear what she said. I'd heard Juice fine before, but now I could barely hear this lady mumble. She put her hands over her ears and then pulled them away. My hands weren't over my ears, but I nodded. I figured she was asking if my ears hurt. And if I thought about it, they didn't hurt; they were just ringing loudly.

They put a blanket around my shoulders and put something over my ears, although it didn't change my hearing. She motioned for me to stay on the ground and I nodded. She moved to someone else and I saw Clay and Jax standing up, both looking pissed as they talked animatedly between each other.

Happy and Chibs helped me stand up, Chibs never leaving my side. The room swam around in front of my vision and I leaned over, emptying the hot dog I'd had earlier onto the splinter and glass covered carpet. Chibs rubbed my back, continuing to move me out of the building. He set me down on the concrete pad outside and my hands were shaking really bad.

Chibs and Happy said something back and forth before Happy sat down next to me. I leaned into him, wanting some kind of comfort. Happy wrapped his arm around me and I closed my eyes, feeling drained.

There were hands, shaking me awake. I looked up with a start to see Happy and Opie over me. Opie took hold of me and made me stand up. I hit at him, wanting them to stop throwing me around, but he gripped me tighter, making sure I didn't fall from his grasp.

My eyes were heavy though and I couldn't focus. My body felt heavy too. Opie and Juice pushed me into a car and Opie drove me away, constantly touching or whacking my arm, probably trying to keep me awake. He pulled up in front of the house and came around to get me out of car. I saw lights and turned to see Juice pull his motorcycle into the driveway.

He came over and he and Opie helped me inside and onto the couch before Opie disappeared. Juice sat on the couch with me and my head still hurt. He pulled his arm around me and I leaned in close to him, pulling my feet up on the couch so I could cuddle against his side.

I didn't know how long we'd been sitting there, but Juice moved, making me turn and look at him. He slowly reached for one of my ears and pulled something away, the tape sticking to my skin a little before pulling away the one on the other ear.

"Can you hear me?" He asked.

It sounded muffled a little bit, but I nodded. "Yeah, I can hear you."

"Are you okay?" He asked, watching me carefully.

"I haven't been shot at since I was seventeen." I told him quietly, moving back into his embrace.

"What happened then?" He asked.

"The neighbor didn't like us playing on his property, but my brother and I, we used to sneak into his section of woods to hide from our oldest brother or our dad, or to just get away together. I got grazed." I told him, lifting up my shirt sleeve to show him the long, thin scar the bullet had left me with. "It was only a .22 though. I knew it wouldn't kill me."

Juice got real quiet and it took me a moment to notice before I turned to him. "What are you thinking about?"

He remained quiet for another couple minutes. "Just tonight." He barely whispered.

"Who all… who all…" I started, but the words didn't want to leave my throat.

"A couple Crow eaters. William Jensen from the Washington charter was in town for a family funeral. Total count was four." He mumbled, pulling me a little closer to him.

"I'm so sorry, Juice." I told him.

He nodded. "But you're okay."

His statement held more depth than I'm sure he meant it to and it started me wondering. Did he think I was more important than other members in the club? Did he rank me higher above some of his friends? We'd only known each other a couple months. Sure, he'd somehow gotten rid of my ex, but I didn't know where I stood with him.

So we just sat. I didn't want to bring it up. Grief was hard, and I knew we both felt things deeply. So I just sat there with him listening to the silence of the dark house and the noises outside; a neighbor's dog barking, a police siren fading away, a bird chirping.

"Let's get you to bed." I told Juice quietly, as to not break the silence of the room too badly.

He nodded and I could see the grief on his face as I helped him stand. I helped take off his jacket, hanging it on the dining room chair as I guided him into his bedroom. He plopped down, pulling off his shoes and looking up at me. "Thank you."

"For what?" I asked gently. I hadn't done anything.

"For being here." He told me.

I ducked my head, not knowing what to say so I gave a little nod and pulled his door closed behind me. After getting into my room, I pulled off my clothes, not realizing until now how dirty they'd gotten between hitting the floor and being shot at. I could smell the gun powder and I tried to remember if I'd ever gotten gunpowder smoke to wash out. I changed into an old t-shirt and a pair of shorts before crawling into the sheets.

Sleep came slowly, leaving me with nightmares of a masked man shooting me, over and over again. Sometimes he'd laugh, sometimes he'd pin me to the wall, choking me. But I could never see any part of his face, and he continued to shoot me.

When I opened my eyes, Juice was leaning over me with a panicked expression. I was breathless, looking around the room for the man who had shot me over and over again. Juice scooped me into his arms and pulled me onto his lap, holding me tightly against his chest. "It's okay, it's alright." He whispered in my ear.

I clung to him, making his shoulder damp with my tears. "It was so real." I mumbled against his bare skin.

"I know. I know, I had them too. It's alright. You're safe here." He told me quietly, rocking me a little.

I was suddenly aware of how lost I'd be without Juice, without the club. Juice had taken a few short trips with the club out of state, but they'd always let someone else stay with me, because of how scared I was being on my own. I did fine with Jax, Chibs or Happy sleeping on the couch, and when Juice was in the next room, I always went to sleep knowing I'd be safe in the morning.

But now, wrapped up in him, crying because of nightmares I couldn't shake, I realized he was my grounding post. He kept me together and made me feel whole again, even if I really wasn't. He helped me with everything I needed and made me feel safe and protected like I never felt before. I didn't know where I stood with Juice, but I knew how much he meant to me.

"I'm sorry for crying on you." I mumbled, pulling away enough to wipe my face.

Juice shook his head, wiping a stray tear away. "Don't apologize for that. Don't ever apologize for that."

"You're too good to me, ya know." I told him, looking away from him. He was; he was constantly there for me, trying to help me out or make it easier on me. I barely knew what to do with him. He was an amazing person, but I felt like I was running on ice with him. I ran and no matter how much I wanted to get to him on the other side of the lake, I wasn't going anywhere, never getting farther than right here. It was a hopeless feeling that made me think I should be back with Danny.

He shook his head again, his palm setting gently on my cheek. I closed my eyes, nudging closer to his hand. "You need somebody to make you feel safe, like if they're around, you'll never get hurt, no matter what happens. You're strong, but you need somebody to lean on. That's not a bad thing. That doesn't make you less human. It just makes you human." He told me quietly.

I looked up at him. His chocolate brown eyes held so much emotion in such small spheres. He cared for me deeply, and I didn't know how I couldn't see it before, but he did.

"I want to be that person. I want to watch over you and come home to that beautiful smile. I want to make you pancakes first thing Saturday morning and stay up way too late watching bad B rated movies on Netflix. I want to have that horror movie marathon on Valentine's Day like you said you used to do when you were younger." He told me, watching me carefully. "I want to be that for you."

I smiled a little, feeling ever so unsure. "Are you asking me out, Juan Carlos?"

He cracked a smile. I'd never used his real name, although he'd told it to me the day he'd run Danny off from the clubhouse all that time ago. He shook his head. "No. I'm asking you to let me do the same thing I'm already doing, just to let me love you too."

I watched him for a long moment. "Don't… don't say things like that if you don't mean them…" I told him quietly.

He scooted closer to me on the bed and took both of my hands in each of his. "Is there anything in my face to tell you I'm lying? Take a good, long look. Take as long as you want. You know when people are lying to you, I know you do." He told me gently.

I don't know how long I sat there, looking at his face, but his gaze never left me. His eyes searched my lips, my cheeks, my forehead, my hands; but he never looked away from some part of me. "You love me?" I murmured.

Juice looked up at me with the same expression he'd had since we'd got into the position we were in now. He nodded. "I love you more than I've ever loved anything."

Every word off his tongue was the truth. There wasn't a trace of anything on his features to tell me he wasn't being completely, utterly honest with me. "I love you too." I whispered, fearing the words, although I knew they were true.

His lips slowly quirked into a smile. "Yeah?" He asked, like he couldn't believe me.

I ducked my head with a smile. "Yeah." I said quietly, looking back up at him.

He pulled me against his strong chest and held me to him. "And, we're having shooting practice tomorrow."

"Why?" I asked him, looking at him curiously.

He gripped my hands a little tighter, trying to convey how important this was to him. "I want to be here to protect you from anything that might happen, but I need to know if I'm not here, that you can take care of yourself. I know you grew up in the country with guns, but you need to know how to work every one in this house."

I tilted my head. "You… say that like you have more than a nine millimeter and a shotgun." Which was all I thought was in the house.

Juice almost let out a laugh. "No. No, there's a lot of guns in the house. C'mon." He said, standing up and taking my hand to tug me into the living room. He let go of my hand to remove a pistol on a magnet strip under the coffee table. There was one tucked behind the fridge, one in an empty flour jar in the kitchen, and three hidden in his bedroom, bringing the grand total to four pistols, one shotgun, and one rifle, in addition to his everyday carry pistol.

I just stood there blinking. How had I missed all these guns hidden around the house? I suddenly felt so much safer, but I was still confused. I nodded, looking at the spread. "I've only shot a rifle once and I don't remember how to place a shotgun." I said, meaning how you backed it against your shoulder so it didn't dislocate the socket joint.

He nodded. "First thing in the morning, we'll go out, just so you know how. And I'll get you an everyday carry, just so you have it."

I stepped over to him, taking his hand in mine. "We'll get me an everyday carry. It's us now, right?"

He grinned widely. "My ole' lady." He said, leaning down to kiss my cheek.

I bit my lip, considering the words bouncing around my head. "You… you missed." I said quietly.

He watched me carefully before leaning down slowly. My eyes slipped closed as his lips pressed gently to mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and relished the feeling of his closeness. He pulled back gently, watching me. I smiled a little, ducking my head. "That was a nice change."

"Yeah?" He asked with a cute little smile.

I nodded, pulling him close and resting my head on his shoulder. "Did they find out who shot up the clubhouse?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah. The Mayans did it as retaliation." Juice told me.

"Are you going to get them back?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Clay says we should, but Jax says we should plan out the next move, so nobody else gets hurt." He said gently.

I nodded. Club matters were none of my business unless it directly involved me, even if I was Juice's old lady now. I knew I had no say, but I silently agreed with Jax. I had found Clay to be careless in matters of the club, wanting revenge for any slight against him. And I knew people had died, but that didn't mean more people had to die.

"Let's get you back to bed. We still got five hours 'til the sun comes up." Juice told me, taking my hand and leading back to my room.

"I love you." I whispered to him, looking up at his brown eyes.

He looked down at me with an endearing look. "I love you too." He said, gently kissing me on the forehead before pulling back the covers on my bed. I crawled in and he turned off the light, closing the door for me.

* * *

I raised the pistol, lined up the sights, took careful aim and gently squeezed the trigger. It hit the heart on the silhouette target Juice had pinned to a hay bail out in the middle of the desert. Juice clapped behind me, making me lower the gun and turn to him. He grinned at me. Chibs and Tig hooted, making me smile.

"Hell'ova shot, lass." Chibs commented. It was the first time I'd picked up the pistol and shot with it. I'd already been over the rifle and the shotgun, finding my groove quickly. Shooting was a lot like riding a bike, as long as you had the principals, it didn't take long to readjust. I'd always had the best aim with a pistol, so I wasn't worried about it much, but apparently none of the guys believed I was as good as I thought myself to be.

"Forget teaching her, I want her to teach me." Tig said to Juice.

"Ain't that good." I said, hearing my old accent slip through. I bit my lip, but nobody else seemed to notice.

"Ain't that good." Chibs scoffed with his own accent, coming over to me and turning me by the shoulders to face the target I'd just hit. "Ya hit the mark first shot outta the gate, lass. I believe ya to be a better shot then meself."

I shook my head. "You shoot stuff all the time."

"But I didn't grow up shootin' at things, lass. Ya did." Chibs told me, like this meant something different.

I shrugged, looking back at the target. I took careful aim, lining up the sights on the pistol before pulling the trigger enough to empty the mag. I lowered the gun, feeling how much lighter it was with an empty magazine.

"So… who were you thinkin' about there?" Tig asked, coming to stand behind my shoulder. All the bullets had found their mark in the head of the target, leaving a three inch hole open.

"My ex." I told him with a little smile, turning around to release the magazine and lay it out on the tailgate of Tig's truck.

"Ya got yerself a keeper, lad. Best hold onto her or I'll see to it she ends up with meh." Chibs said, coming to rest a hand on my shoulder.

"I think he's doing alright with me." I said, moving to lean into Juice and wrap an arm around his middle.

He smiled at me, leaning down to kiss me on the forehead. "You sure as hell aren't getting out of my sight."

"Good. I wouldn't want to." I told him, smiling up at him. Maybe I wasn't running on ice anymore. Maybe… maybe the ice was melting. Maybe I was learning the difference between running and swimming.


	5. Part 5 National Screw Up

I stood in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. I'd been staring at the bread box for almost twenty minutes. I knew the time because I could see the clock on the microwave to the right of the wooden box that read 'Bread' in what used to be gold script if you closed the lid. The script had long faded to a nasty yellow, as I'd been informed Juice had gotten it from his mom when she died, who gotten it from her mom, who'd bought it at a garage sale for twenty cents.

For the life of me, I couldn't understand why the bread box had become a family heirloom. Besides its solid construction from the 30's or 40's, I saw nothing spectacular about it. And inside the bread box, the only thing was a loaf of plain, white bread. It wasn't necessarily the bread that made me mad, or stew the way I was now.

It was the fact he'd gone to get milk and bread. While he was gone to get milk and bread, a lady had called, asking for him by name. She told me she'd been stood up for their date and she wanted to talk to him about it. The bread box and its contents were really just a way of channeling my anger.

I'd asked him about it when he got home. If she'd been mistaken, gotten his name mixed up. He'd told me Tig or Bobby had probably just been trying to get him laid because he'd been grumpy all week. I wasn't going to lie; I nearly lost my head at that. Tig was a real asshole, only doing this or that to stir the shit pot so he could lick the spoon. I couldn't see Bobby doing a thing like that, especially since he knew I was Juice's old lady. Bobby knew better than to go behind an old lady's back.

A breeze blew in through the open window at my back, moving something on the wall. I turned, seeing Juice's graduation tassel, held up by a tack in the wall, swaying back and forth. He was always so proud when he told the story of graduating high school, even with his criminal record. He'd been the first person, boy or girl, in three generations to graduate from school. He had a picture somewhere in the stupid house with his mom and him, while he was in his cap and gown, smiling like it was his last chance.

"Kelsi?" A quiet voice asked from another room. I didn't know why he was looking for me. I hadn't fuckin' moved in the last almost thirty minutes except to breathe. So I didn't respond. But he looked hurt when he came around the corner and I turned my back to him, looking out the open window as I leaned against the sink.

"I shouldn't have gotten mad at you. I'm sorry." He said quietly.

More than some bitch calling, asking for him by his fucking first and middle name, not even 'Juice', I was mad at his reaction. Juice and I, we both came from fucked up backgrounds. His step-dad had abused him back in Queens and my ex had nearly drove me to kill myself. But when I'd asked Juice asked this bitch calling, he'd reacted in anger, starting a yelling match I was sure the neighbors heard. It had lasted nearly fifteen minutes on its own.

"It wasn't my fault some dumb ass bitch called, asking for some fucker name Juan Carlos." I growled at him.

Juice gave a little laugh and I wanted to turn around and slap it off his face. But I knew it would do no good. We'd just go back to yelling then. His anger had a way of breaking out mine, the same way mine did to his. We were a perfect match, both full of piss and vinegar.

"Yeah, that Juan Carlos is a real fuck up." He mumbled.

"Don't have to fuckin' tell me." I murmured, crossing my arms over my chest to keep them close to me. Sucker punching the man would do me no good.

"Kelsi… I'm sorry. I shouldn't… I shouldn't have yelled at you. I know we do that to each other, just piss the other one off more. But we have fun… don't we?" Juice asked, sounding small. I was reminded of myself at age six, when my mom had died and I'd tried to reason with my siblings as to how she could've possibly just died.

"Normally." I relented, knowing we had movie nights out the ass and I'd consumed more popcorn in the last three months than I had in my life before that point.

"Can we just both say what a national screw up I am and skip to the makeup sex?" He asked, begging with me.

I leaned harder against the sink. I didn't know. I was still mad. He hadn't shown or said anything to prove he hadn't set up a date with this anonymous bitch who called him by his real name. I needed reassurance that he was here for me and nobody else. I needed to know I was needed and wanted in this stupid house.

"I uh… I made you something." He said and I could hear his big boots shuffling closer to me. He arm snaked around my shoulders and I paused, seeing the paper crane between his fingers. "Do you remember why I started making these?" He asked quietly.

In all honesty, I did. But I liked hearing him tell me the story, so I remained quiet.

"So uh… there was this girl, right? She was gorgeous, totally," Juice let out a low whistle. "Just amazing. Head to toe, hair to feet. She was pretty, but she… she was a little broken. We clicked because we could see it, in each other, ya know?" He asked, but didn't expect an answer. "I was trying to help her out, but I was really only being selfish when I asked her in move in with me. Yeah, she got a roof over her head, but I had somebody to fill the quiet. My head… it gets so loud sometimes…" He trailed off for a moment and I could feel the ache in my chest.

"But that first morning… That first morning I woke up to somebody else in the house, she was making chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. And you know what she said to me?" He asked.

I gave a nervous laugh to keep my tears from spilling out of my eyes. "I hope you like chocolate chip, because it's all I made."

"I knew, at that exact moment, I'd end up falling head over heels for her. And she told me she liked when people made stuff for her, even if it was a shitty drawing or a folded scrap of paper. She liked the fact that somebody might have thought of her enough to want to make something just for her, even if it looked like shit. So I started making paper cranes, because it was the only thing I could fold that looked like any fuckin' kind of thing." Juice said with a laugh, but I could feel his chest shake as he took a breath against my back.

I took the little paper crane from his fingers. The one he'd made just for me, not for some bitch named Bianca, who didn't even know his name was Juice. He'd even sharpie colored the wings orange and pink, changing colors from one wing to another. "Thank you." I mumbled, a tear leaking of my left eye.

His strong arms snaked around me, pulling me against him and I held tightly to his arm around my waist. He didn't have to say anything else. I felt his love radiate off him in waves as he held me close. I squeezed my eyes shut, relishing his warmth against my back.

"You might be a National Screw Up, but I love you." I murmured.

"Then that's all that matters." He whispered, sounding so tired and small. He held me close and the breeze blew through the open window, making the small crane's wings dance, like he was flying.


	6. Part 6 Table Dancing and Middle Names

"Do you need a hand with that, Gemma?" I asked, coming into the kitchen of the clubhouse with a grocery bag in my hand. Tonight was chili night and I knew Gemma made a mean chili, but she seemed pretty enthusiastic when I mentioned I made a pretty hearty cornbread from scratch. So I'd made Juice stop at the store with me on the way over so I could get everything I needed for enough people.

I knew the kitchen was always stocked with the basics; flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and butter. So all I had to pick up was cornmeal, eggs, milk and honey. I was going to make a savory cornbread that the club could dress up with honey or jalapenos. Or in Juice's case, both.

Gemma looked up with a smile. "Always like a helping hand in the kitchen. Get those tomatoes for me, would ya?" Gemma said, gesturing to the cans on the far wall. I picked them up and hauled them over for her, digging in the drawer to hand her the can opener. "You got everything you need?"

"Yeah. I did an inventory of the cupboards yesterday to make sure what I needed from the store. I got muffin liners to make it easier." I told her, digging in a lower cabinet for the muffin pans.

"I know I haven't said it much, but it sure is nice having help around here. Tara is so busy with Jax and the crow eaters don't do shit but look pretty." Gemma said with a hand on her hip as she glowered at the band of pretty, young girls talking to Bobby, Tig, and Juice.

"Well, I appreciate it." I told her honestly with a smile. "It's been a long time since I felt like I was part of a family."

"Juice says you're from Georgia. I hear the best corn bread comes out of Georgia." Gemma said with a smile.

I grinned. "My grandmamma taught me how to cook since my mom was a drunk." I told her, feeling my accent slip a little.

"Oh, I hear ya there, sister. My momma died with a bottle in her hand." Gemma said, shaking her head.

"Well how 'bout that. My momma died with a cigarette in her hand. We always told her not to smoke in bed after she'd been drinkin'." I said, wishing I could pull this goddamn accent back in. "Stubborn bitch burnt the house to the ground."

"You didn't… get caught inside, did you?" Gemma asked, sounding concerned.

I shrugged. "As luck would have it, the rest of us were out. Daddy was at the bar gettin' drunk and us kids were scattered."

"Scattered?" Gemma asked, and it worried me a little bit how curious she was.

I nodded. "I was spending the night at a friend's. It was the only time I got to do what I wanted without daddy yellin'. One brother was in the state pen and the other was having a make out session with the homecoming queen behind her boyfriend's back."

"Jeez, you had family in jail that young?" Gemma asked, folding her arms over her chest as I set to work making the cornbread.

I grinned. "My oldest brother, yeah. He's got eight years on me. Fucker got in trouble just so he didn't have to come home. It was pretty smart, but I was never brave enough to do that."

Gemma shook her head. "And here you are, surrounded by cons."

"Never said I hadn't been myself. Just… never got in on purpose." I told her.

"You were in jail?" Juice asked, appearing suddenly at the door.

My eyebrows pulled together as I looked at him. "How long have you been standing there?" I asked him.

"Long enough to know you haven't gotten into jail on purpose." He told me, jumping on the counter I wasn't working on. "So what'd you do?"

"Does it matter?" I asked with a giggle.

"C'mon." Juice drawled out. "You're my old lady. I need to know these things."

I smiled, accepting that he did. "I uh…" I started, mixing with the batter. "I got drunk at a concert when I was nineteen, in Tennessee."

Juice grinned. "Were you dancing on tables?"

I bit my lip, looking from him to Gemma. Gemma smiled with a knowing look and Juice paused.

"Oh, mother fucker. You were dancing on tables?" He asked, sounding like a little kid in a candy store for his first time.

I nodded, digging in three drawers before finding an ice cream scoop to use to put the batter into the pans. "I got black out drunk, thanks to my guy friend who was trying to get a good lay. Unbeknownst to him, I was a party drunk, so I just climbed up on the tables, started dancing and stripping to my heart's content until I fell into the arms of two cops."

"Isn't Tennessee a 'give them as much as they can take until we throw them in jail' state?" Juice asked.

Leave it to him to know the drunk and disorderly laws of a state across the country. I nodded. "Except the cop who caught me had recently been sucker punched by my older brother. He heard my last name, saw who I was related to and I was guilty by association. 30 days in jail and $500 later, I was free to make as many bad choices in the privacy of my own home as I wanted."

Juice chuckled. "I'd love to see you dance on some tables."

"Maybe at home, kids." Gemma spoke up, breaking Juice from his trance.

He grinned at her as I finished scooping batter into the pans. "What else don't I know about you?"

"Hmm… My middle name is Jo." I spoke up, putting the pans in the oven and setting the timer.

"Kelsi Jo." Juice said, rolling it around his tongue as he tilted his head back and looked at the ceiling. "How do you get Kelsi Jo?"

I shrugged. "It's a family name. Every woman in the last five generations on my mom's side has had the middle name Jo. I was the only girl my mom had. Jo." I said in a flourish.

Juice smiled. "My mom liked Juan Carlos. No special story, no family name. She thought it sounded good when you shouted it."

I smiled at him. "It could be worse. You could've been Joe Carlos."

Juice crinkled his nose. "That definitely wouldn't have worked out in my favor."

I smiled, leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. Juice put his hand behind my head before I could pull away, forcing my lips onto his. I smiled into the kiss, pushing against him.

"Alright, that's enough. No sex in the kitchen." Gemma said from behind Juice's shoulder and he smiled as I broke away.

"But mom." Juice said, making the word five syllables too long.


	7. Part 7 Family Secrets

Juice had once told me a story about his family; how when someone turns 18, it's a kind of tradition in his family to go to the liquor store with an aunt's or uncle's ID and see if they'd sell you a bottle of booze. He'd told me out of all the family he'd seen do it; only one had gotten caught and nearly ended up in jail. Everybody else had gotten away with it, even Juice himself.

He'd gotten his scalp tattoos earlier the same day, so the cashier had thought he was naturally older and didn't even card him. He'd told me how he'd brought home the booze like a champ, getting hoots and hollers from his family about his 'bravery'.

After he'd told me that, I realized every family has traditions. Some had family dinner on Sundays, and some wore lucky socks for their football teams, and some even tried to buy booze on their 18th birthday. But after he'd told me that story, I'd got to thinking about my own family.

I hadn't seen them in years and for a damn good reason. But I'd been the youngest and a little thought had to go into mine. We didn't eat dinner together and my dad had liked any kind of sport if I thought about it, but it hadn't been a tradition. We didn't try to buy alcohol at 18 because we'd been getting it illegally since we were 15.

And it's always harder to see those kinds of things if they're done passively, like my family was, instead of dedicated, like Juice's family. Mine never made a big deal out of traditions or the like. We always tried to stay under the radar with everything we did.

So when I ended up in a bar on the other side of Charming with a text message in my inbox from Juice, I finally realized what my family tradition was.

Secrets.

For as long as I could remember, my family had lied to each other as often as we greeted each other. My brothers would ask where I was off to at ten on a school night and I'd tell them studying with a friend, when I was off to sleep with the running back of the football team.

My oldest brother would say he was going on a motorcycle ride to free himself, but I knew he was going to do something to get arrested so he didn't have to stay in the house with two drunken parents and two younger siblings.

My older brother told me he'd quit smoking, but his jacket would always smell like L&M Bolds, the smokes he could steal out of the convenience store a mile from the house because no one in the area liked them and the cashier didn't give a shit about his job.

My pa would always say he'd been late at work when all of us knew he'd been at the bar. My momma would say she never smoked in the bedroom after she'd been drinking, even though her comforter would always smell of stale smoke and spilled whiskey.

I was five shots deep when Juice had texted me, asking where I was. I knew I was late to dinner. He'd been expecting me almost an hour ago. But today was hard. It was the anniversary of my mom's death. It had a funny way of sneaking up on me every year, despite the fact I knew the date by heart. I hadn't actually read the text so it wouldn't show on Juice's phone; just telling him he'd sent the message.

But with my third glance at the pop-up, I realized my family tradition was secrets. We lied to each other because we had wanted the rest of us to think better of us. We didn't want the others to think poorly of us for stealing or sleeping around or leaving on purpose.

I had almost thought of typing out a reply to my biker about how I was recruited to do some extra work, but after a moment's consideration, I realized how much detail I'd have to put into the story to make it real, and I'd left the text unread.

Another text came through, asking where I was and if I was okay.

He was starting to worry and I smiled a little at my phone, reminding my semi-drunk mind that I couldn't actually open the text. The bartender set up another shot and I threw it back, feeling the whiskey burn all the way down. I'd always thought it was funny how I'd celebrated the death of my mom. She'd died in a house fire, falling asleep in bed, drunk, with a cigarette in her hand.

And here I was, drinking my head away. I shook it, asking for another shot before I thought too hard.

Secrets.

I glanced at my phone, hoping Juice wouldn't worry too much. A voice in the back of my head told me I was being an idiot for ignoring a guy who actually gave two shits about my well-being. When was the last time somebody had texted or called to ask if I was okay because I'd missed dinner?

My finger hit reply before my buzzed brain could catch up and the next thing I knew, I'd already sent a text with the location of the bar. I set my phone back down on the bar top, ordering another shot to make a solid eight. I wasn't drunk yet; I could see mostly straight and I could easily have walked across the room to the juke box and hit a song I liked.

I smiled a little to myself. I was barely drunk compared to my family's standards. I'd seen my mom make mac and cheese after a 750 of Jack in an hour, and my dad had once called the ref on every play he'd made during a college game after a handle of rum.

The barkeep set me up with another shot and I was definitely enjoying the buzz I had. My phone beeped and I looked at it, starting to get fuzzy brained. Juice had typed out a reply, but I didn't care to read it. I had long ago realized I had neither the tolerance of my parents, nor my brothers, and I was okay with that.

A motorcycle roared outside and I wondered if my mohawked old man had come to rescue me. For a brief moment, I thought 'there's no way he came to get me. He probably doesn't care' before I realized that was a stupid idea. Of course Juice would come get me if I needed him. Of course he would. He was a good man. He was reliable and caring and sincere.

So when I looked over and he sat next to me, part of me really wasn't all that surprised. I started to smile at him before my brain reminded me I had almost lied to him. And then I ducked my head, looking away from him.

"Are you okay?" His voice rang in my head. I nodded, wanting something other than whiskey all the sudden. Juice's voice rang in my ears again, asking the barkeep for water, which he gave me. "Why are you drinking out here?"

I bit my lip, wondering if I should tell him. "My mom died." I said before I could think about it, sipping the water, and then realizing what I said. "Not today. Just, years ago today."

Juice seemed to nod in the corner of my eye. "How many years?"

I shrugged. "Twelve." And then I paused. I hadn't meant to actually tell him how many years it'd been. I'd meant to keep aloft and care-free, like I'd only remembered today it'd been years ago.

"I'm sorry." Juice's voice came from next to me.

I shrugged again, feeling weak. "I was going to lie to you." I told him honestly, wondering why the goddamn words tumbled out of my mouth.

"Why?" Juice asked before I could revise my comment.

"Secrets." I said. I glanced at him and saw him watching me carefully. "My family does secrets the way yours does liquor at 18." I said, hoping my words made sense in somebody else's head besides mine.

"You have secrets the way we buy liquor at 18?" Juice asked, trying to clarify my words.

I nodded. "I've been thinking about it all day. Your family buys liquor at 18 and mine lies out the ass. I hold secrets the way you hold ammo." I grinned, thinking about how funny it was.

Suddenly, I frowned, thinking about how mad he might be. It even crossed my mind for a moment that he might strike me, despite the public location. But he nodded. "Secrets are your family tradition."

I looked at him, wondering how he'd come to the same conclusion I had. I nodded though.

He smiled, taking a sip of my water. "Do you want to go home?"

"You're not mad?" I asked. I'd seen the way the other patrons glanced at us, at his cut. I knew what they thought of us.

Juice shook his head. "I want you to tell me these things, but I'd rather pick you up from a bar at seven at night then a hotel at nine in the morning."

I bit my lip. "I'd never get that drunk. You know that right?" I asked. Even with being as drunk as I was, I'd never cheat on him. He meant the world to me.

Juice shrugged though. "Ya never know."

"I love you, you biker freak. You need to know that." I told him, turning 90 degrees in my chair to look at him.

He smiled a little. "You're drunk as shit, aren't you?"

I grinned widely, not being able to stop myself. "My mom's dead and my biker was running errands."

He smiled still, leaning forward to kiss me. "Well, let's get you home, Drunkerella."

I grinned again. "I like it. I'm sure I can make it home." I told him, standing from the seat. "If my mom could make mac and cheese after a 750 of whiskey, I can hold onto you until we get home after ten shots."

He cocked an eyebrow. "Your mom made mac and cheese after drinking a whole 750?"

I smiled. "I probably went to bed with a contact drunk or something but yeah." I told him, throwing down enough money to cover my tab and a tip before Juice wrapped his arm around my waist and I smiled, kissing him and making our way out to his bike.

The ride home was slow. Juice didn't want me to puke all over him, despite how well I'd told him I held my liquor. Getting on the bike hadn't been so bad, but my knees nearly buckled getting off, leaving Juice to catch me before I hit the ground which sent me into a fit of giggles.

He got me inside and into the couch with a smile on my face. He left, returning with a bag of cooked popcorn and a glass of water. "So what else don't I know about you?"

I shrugged, looking over at him. "I've got secrets galore, lover."

He smiled a little. "Everybody does."

I shrugged again, taking a handful of popcorn. "Ask me something and I'll tell you."

He paused for a moment, watching me. "You never told me what happened to your back." His words were quiet in the room, but they sounded loud in my head. Juice had been one of the few people in my life to see the scars that crisscrossed my back. My brother had much of the same scars on his back. I'd always beat around the bush when Juice would ask about them because I didn't know if he was only passively asking and it would've broke my heart to tell him if he didn't really care.

I turned to him, wanting to see if he really wanted to know. He watched me, trying to see if I'd really tell him. "My dad."

Juice was silent for so long I thought he'd got off the couch. I had to look back at him to see if he was still there. "You never told me your dad beat you."

I shrugged, feeling it was the only thing to do with my body. "Never hit my ma, but sure as hell went after us kids."

"You and your brothers?" He asked.

I nodded. "The oldest got some here and there, but pa never liked the fact he got twins, and a girl on top of that."

Juice shook his head, looking sad. "He gave all those to you?"

"Except for the one from Danny when he threw me into the mirror." I said, picking up some more popcorn. I knew for a fact Juice's step-dad had never left any marks on his skin, his damage solely being on the inside. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to think I had this thing with abusive guys." He watched me carefully, like he didn't understand my words. "You're not like that. I didn't want you to think you were."

He nodded, seeming to understand now. "You'd tell me if I ever hurt you, right?"

"If you wanted me to." I spoke up, nodding a little.

"I want you to tell me. Even if it's something stupid and it hurts your feelings. Tell me." He said, taking a firm grip on my hand.

I looked down at our hands, intertwining with each other. It made me happy, seeing his tan skin setting against my white skin. I'd been tan for the better part of my life, spending the majority of my time outdoors. But no matter how bad I wanted to, I'd never be the kind of rich brown Juice's skin was.

"I used to hunt and trap." I told him, realizing I'd never spoke of it before.

He tilted his head to get a better look at me. "Oh yeah?"

I nodded. "It was the only real skill my dad taught us. I can skin a rabbit in two minutes." I said with a smile.

He tilted his head at me. "Seriously?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Faster than either of my brothers could. Man did it piss them off." I smiled. "I make a mean rabbit stew too. Maybe we should have it sometime."

"You're gonna catch, skin and cook a rabbit?" Juice asked, like he didn't believe me.

I smiled at him. "Absolutely."

He shook his head and I could tell he didn't believe me. It was okay. He'd sure enough believe me when he came home to rabbit stew one night. "From now on out, no secrets." He told me quietly, nuzzling up close to me. "If you don't want to tell me everything from your past, that's alright. But don't keep anything from here out a secret."

I nodded, agreeing with him. "I can do that. No secrets. We'll make our own traditions." I told him.

He grinned, leaning over to kiss me deeply. I pushed against him, enjoying the pressure. "How about we go to bed?" He whispered against my lips.

"Mmm, mind reader." I told him, standing and stripping off my shirt as I headed for the bedroom. I heard a _thunk_ and turned to see Juice pawing at his boots to get them off. I giggled as he chased me down the hall and pinned me to the bed.


	8. Part 8 The Color Brown

Juice and I both sighed as we crossed the threshold into the house. Juice shed his boots and with a kiss, I helped him out of his cut and hoodie. "I'm gonna order take out. Chinese okay?"

"Sure thing, babe. I'm gonna change out of these clothes." I told him, hoping the smell of axel grease would wash out of the fabric.

I heard him on the phone in the other room and I sighed, leaning over the sink. It'd been a hell of a day. I'd been running since I got through the door. Had to go deliver parts, sell parts, had to deal with that one guy who spits in your face while he's talking. I about knocked that fucker out. But it'd been a long day. I pulled off my shirt and slid out of my pants, replacing them with a hoodie over my bra and sweatpants.

Juice was on the couch scrolling through Netflix. "Hey." He said as I sat next to him.

"Hey handsome." I said, cuddling up close to him as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

"What do you think?" He asked, turning back to the TV.

I shrugged. He didn't pick anything for a few minutes before he settled on a TV show about people from the future returning to the dinosaur age to rebuild the world better. I was enthralled by the show, loving all the special effects.

We'd been sitting for nearly three episodes straight when Juice spoke up. "What's your favorite color?"

I paused, trying to think over the sound of a dinosaur roaring. "Um… brown." I told him as it was the first thing that came to my mind.

Juice snuggled closer to me so I was kind of laying on his chest. "Why brown?" He whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

I shrugged, not wanting to tell him the real reason that was the first color to come to mind.

His arms snaked around me, dragging the tips of his fingers ever so gently over my stomach and chest. "I wanna know."

I sucked in a breath, not ready for the assault on my nervous system. "You." I barely forced out.

His hands stopped moving around my stomach and I tilted my head back to look at him. He was watching me. "Why me?" He asked carefully.

I blushed, ducking my head. "I'm sorry. It sounds stupid." I told him, trying to sit up.

"No, don't go." He told me, pulling me close to him. "Please tell me."

"Well…" I trailed off, trying to sort my head out. "It's the color of your skin when it's pressed against mine. And the color of your eyes when you've been staring at me all night."

"Then mine's definitely brown too." Juice told me, nibbling at my ear to get me to giggle.

"Why?" I asked, tilting my head back to look at him.

"Well, it's the color of your eyes when you're happy, like right now. When you're sad, they're hazel. They're almost green when you're mad." He told me, kissing my nose. "It's the color of your skin when I can't stop touching you." He told me, roving his fingers over my body. "The color of your roots after the dye grows out." He told me, running his hands through my hair.

"The color of your peach fuzz when it actually grows out." I told him, moving to straddle his lap and running my hands over his scalp tattoos.

He smiled at me. "The color of your face when you get told you have to be into work at five."

I chuckled lightly, smiling down at him. "The color of the bedspread we were sitting on when you told me you loved me."

Juice's face went slack, like that was the only thing he could focus on. "I love you."

"I love you too." I said quietly.

He reached up to set his hand behind my head, bringing my lips to his. I sighed into the kiss, pressing against him. I knew for a fact I'd never get tired of kissing him. Not as long as I lived. He pulled me as close to him as our clothes would allow us.

"What about the show?" I asked, seeing how the Blu-Ray player had shut down since we'd taken so long talking.

He just smirked. "The show can wait." He said, gripping my thighs and suddenly he stood up, startling me, but I stayed wrapped around his hips. "Time to make your skin brown."

I giggled as he laid me on the bed, crawling on top of me.


	9. Part 9 The Boys Are Back Chapter 1

Tuesday mornings were always slow. So when the alarm clock rang out that it was time for Juice to get to work, he groaned. He hit the alarm clock harder than I knew he needed to, but I also knew a little burst of anger first thing in the morning kept it at bay the rest of the day, so I just scooted back against him. His firm chest pressed against my back, his arms wrapping around me.

"I don't wanna go to work." Juice groaned into the pillow behind my head.

"Well, sucks to be you. I don't have to be in for another two hours." I told him.

"Call me in sick and we can stay in bed and fuck all day." Juice growled into my ear, nipping at my lobe and getting me to giggle.

"Nope. You've got church today. You know Clay still wants to beat your ass for missing it last time." I told him with a smile.

Juice groaned. "Fuck. I forgot about church." He said, rolling over onto his back and away from me.

"How about I go into work with you?" I asked, rolling over onto my other side to kiss his chest.

He just laid there, staring at the ceiling for the longest time before nodding. "I guess that would be okay."

"Good." I told him, kissing and biting his exposed nipple before jumping out of bed in fear of the retaliation I knew was coming. I almost made it to the bathroom before his arms snaked around me, yanking me back with a yelp and pinning me against the wall.

His lips covered mine before I had a chance to protest and he pressed tightly against me, working his legs in between my thighs and pressing gently until I broke the kiss with a gasp.

"I offered to stay in bed all day." He said, kissing the spot between my ear lobe and my jaw before kissing and sucking my neck and collar bone.

I moaned lightly, pushing against his leg, wanting more friction. "You're… gonna be late for work."

"Yeah, but now you're gonna want me all day." Juice grinned widely, making his way to the bathroom and closing the door.

I gapped at him, still pressed against the wall where he left me. "What a jerk." I said.

"You didn't want it. Just remember that!" Juice yelled from inside the bathroom.

"You've got two minutes to rub that out before I dump you with cold water." I called back.

There was a pause, where I couldn't hear anything from inside the room. "You're joking." He challenged.

I raised both eyebrows, heading to the kitchen and grabbing a glass of water. I knew he could hear the facet in the kitchen through the wall of the bathroom. I also knew that no matter how hard you tried to keep the bathroom door closed, it didn't lock.

"Okay, okay! Two minutes!" He yelled frantically through the wall.

* * *

I held closely to Juice as he drove us into Teller-Morrow on his Dyna. He treated the bike damn near as well as he treated me and that was saying something. Juice parked the bike and killed the engine when Tig came wandering over to us.

"Thank God you're here, Juicy. We got two more Harleys come in and Bobby and Happy went on a run with Clay." Tig said, looking desperate.

Juice kissed my cheek before bounding after Tig into the garage. I walked the short distance to the office as the phone rang. I sighed, falling into the chair and answering it.

The day was almost over when I heard yelling from inside the bays. Usually, I didn't bother with it. A disgruntled customer was not something I usually wanted to deal with. The guys would be getting out of church anytime now and I knew the only mechanics in the bay were the ones not part of the club. The guys usually dealt with any angry customers, leaving the regular mechanics to just do their jobs.

I glanced at the clubhouse, seeing the doors shut tight with no movement inside. I sighed. I hated dealing with the complaints. I usually got threatened in the process. But I knew the regular mechanics didn't usually do this so I popped open the door, leading into the bays. Three of the normal guys were standing near two open doors, between the customers and two Harleys.

I bit back a groan, grabbing a torque wrench off the closest tool box. "Jimmy? You good?"

"Fuckin' white trash shit don't want to pay their bill." He said, barely giving me a glance.

"Tell them they pay the bill or the bikes are ours." I called back.

"You tell that bitch inside that I'm gonna tear her throat out for threatening to take my bike." A heavy, gruff voice called and I paused.

That couldn't… there was no way…

But I had to see for myself. I stomped over to the open bay doors and froze, seeing the last two people I ever thought I'd see again. They froze, the same as I had.

"Kelsi, why don't you go back in the shop?" Jimmy asked, touching my shoulder.

"You get your fuckin' filthy ass hands off her!" The owner of the voice said.

"You shut your fuckin' mouth, Dixon. You ain't got no right to talk to him like that!" I yelled at him, my fingers tightening around the torque wrench. I hated the fact my accent was slipping back. I'd tried for years to get rid of it. It still came out, when Juice and I had our spats. He'd asked where it came from and I told him I was honestly from Georgia.

The taller, older man's eyes narrowed at me. He hadn't aged well at all, reminding me of moldy cheese instead of a fine wine. He looked a lot like pop did in my memory and my fingers instinctively tightened around the torque wrench. The younger of the two, looking well-worn and years older than he actually was, stood shock straight.

"Kelsi?" Daryl whispered, like he was seeing a ghost.

"The fuck you two doin' in my garage?" I roared. "I told you I never wanted to see either of your faces again!"

"Kelsi, quit'cher bitchin' and come give your big brother a hug." Merle said with a grin, moving towards me.

I took two solid steps back, away from him.

"You know these guys, Kels?" Jimmy asked, looking between us.

" 'Course she does." Daryl spat at my mechanic.

"Don'tcha see the family resemblance?" Merle grinned like he'd won a prize at the state fair.

"Don't you fuckin' come near me, you asshole piece of shit." I growled, taking a deep breath and spitting towards his feet.

The glare I received from the older Dixon was the worst I'd ever received. And that was saying something, considering how often he used to do it. "The fuck you say to me, princess?"

"You heard me, you dumb sack of shit." I said clearly, trying to rid my voice of the accent that was plaguing my words.

Daryl pushed past Merle, coming to stand close to me, eyeing me down like a predator. "The fuck you doin' in California, Kelsi Jo?"

"Honestly, Daryl. I could ask you the same question." I told him, staring up at him carefully.

"Ya ain't called, ya ain't wrote. Ya missed pa's service." Daryl told me.

I glared at him. "That man made my life a living hell, same as yours, and yer mad I didn't make it back to bury the bastard?"

His eyes looked hurt, but he shook his head, glancing away. "Nah, can't blame ya. Missed ya though."

I nodded, looking up at my twin brother. "Missed ya too."

"Enough of this pussy ass shit. This ain't no fuckin' sissy movie. You give me my damn bike back!" Merle called.

I stepped around Daryl, glaring at my older brother. "You'll get your damn bike back when you pay the fuckin' mechanic, you lazy piece of shit."

"Kelsi? You alright?" Opie's voice broke through the air and I paused, turning to the tall man.

"Fuck. Opie. Don't let Juice outta church." I called, feeling the panic start to set in. "Don't let Juice out here."

But it was too late, he'd pushed open the doors of the clubhouse, laughing at something Jax had said. I saw him pause when he looked at me, seeing the two men in front of me. Shit was gonna get real.

"Fuck, no." I whispered, feeling Daryl's fingers on my shoulder to steady me.

"Ya alright, Kels?" Daryl asked, quietly.

"The fuck kind of name is Juice?" Merle said. "You got you some kind of pussy ass kid as a boy toy? Does he let you put it up his ass too?"

"You shut your fuckin' mouth Dixon, before you ain't got no teeth to talk with!" I yelled, gripping the wrench harder.

"Oh. Is that all you got, little sister?" Merle asked, raising his voice to sound like a little girl. "You wanna play in the sandbox with some Barbie toys? You wanna play dolls, is that it?"

My temper was bubbling and I couldn't even feel Daryl's hand rip away from my shoulder as I charged at Merle, swinging the torque wrench for all I was worth. I saw his eyes grow wide as I came at him and I felt defeat as he ducked out of the way. But I took another swing at him, with less force that hit him in the side before there were hands pulling me back, away from the older man.

There was shouting and people yelling, trying to get everybody to calm down before Juice was in front of me, fear in his eyes as he cupped my face. I knew Daryl was at one of my shoulders and Opie was at the other as I struggled out of their grip, hugging Juice tightly.

I'd never wanted this. I'd never wanted him to see anything different of me than what he'd already saw. What he'd seen, before when I'd tried to jump off the bridge; that was as bad as it got. But I forgot about Daryl and Merle, my family I wished had stayed gone. Juice held me tightly, but I knew he was questioning what was going on.

"What the hell was that?" Jax roared as everyone quieted down.

I pulled away from Juice. "I'm sorry." I told him. He was questioning me silently as I stepped away from him. I cleared my throat, seeing all eyes on me. "The two redneck freaks in the plaid are my brothers, Daryl and Merle."

* * *

There was silence in the group for a moment before Juice stepped closer to me. His eyes went wide. "You said you didn't have anything to do with your family."

"You said you didn't have no family?" Merle spat, nearly foaming at the mouth.

"You shut your fuckin' face." Jax commanded, getting into Merle's face before turning to me. "Explain, now."

"Daryl and I are twins. Merle's eight years older. When I turned eighteen, I ran away from home. I never went back because I didn't want to." I told Jax sincerely. "And then I came out of the office while you're in church, hearing these two fucks screaming about not paying their damn bill."

"You're gonna pay your fuckin' bill, with interest because I had to look at your sorry face." Jax said, turning to Merle.

Merle looked at me hard. "You piece of shit. We're glad you never came back."

"Do you see how many bikers are surrounding you right now? I've been here for months. You think I'm not part of this club now? They will kill you and nobody will ever miss your sorry ass." I told him harshly, receiving a glare.

"Pay the woman." Jax repeated.

Merle glared at me the whole time he got his wallet out of his pocket. "Even got with a fuckin' beaner."

"He's Puerto Rican, you fuck." I said calmly.

"Brown is brown and I won't be happy til they all roast alive." Merle said, a snarl to his lip.

"Get on yer fuckin' bike, lad!" Chibs spoke up loudly.

"Man, c'mon." Daryl said, yanking on our older brother's arm towards the bay where the gang had cleared away from.

"Don't you fuckin' leave this town. We're having a family meeting." Merle said, letting Daryl pull him away.

They climbed on their bikes and rode out of the parking lot. Everybody turned on me when they left. "You've got some family problems, lass." Chibs said.

"But I'm pretty sure you broke the big guys rib." Half Sack said with a tinge of a smile.

"Your fucking family?" Juice roared.

"No! We're not fighting here!" I turned on him. "You wanna yell at me? Fine. But you're taking me home like a normal domestic dispute."

"No!" Juice said sternly. "They came here, they cuss out my old lady at my clubhouse, and it's your fucking brothers?"

I felt defeated, nodding. "I never thought they'd end up here of all places. I was in twenty different states before I decided to stop running here. I thought California was far enough away from Georgia, I'd be safe here."

"Why were you running from them?" Juice asked.

"Because they're assholes!" I said loudly.

"Believe me, I got that. Why did you run away?" Juice asked me, anger in his face.

Usually, Juice's anger made mine flare and we'd yell until one of us just decided to stop. But with all the yelling at Merle and Daryl, I couldn't yell at Juice. "Because my dad treated me the same way yers did you." I said, my accent slipping. "The same way Danny did. And Merle ain't much a better person. I ain't doin' it again! I ain't goin' back with 'em."

Juice shook his head and I could tell he was pissed. "We're goin' home."

I wanted to fight him, but I didn't, knowing I was his old lady and there were rules in place. I'd already broken several of these rules by not telling the club of my family. Juice had known I'd had family, but my withholding information about them; not telling him more, was breaking one of the rules. He was supposed to be my protector, under the club. Even though he knew that I had family, this was different. I never expected to see them again.

We rode home in silence and he barely spoke to me, even as we climbed off the bike that got parked in the garage. Even after the engine died, he said nothing, leading the way into the house. He flopped on the couch and I stood for a moment before grabbing a bottle of whiskey from the cupboard above the fridge and taking it to him. I didn't know if it was safe to sit on the couch, but he took the bottle from him, tipping it back and taking four big swallows of the dark liquor.

"You lied to me." He said.

I nodded, sitting on the floor next to the couch so I was lower than he was. I'd come to find that MC behavior was a lot similar to wolf behavior. I had to look submissive if I wanted to come out of this alive.

"I don't understand why you didn't just tell the truth." Juice said with a wary laugh, like he'd find this all really funny in ten years.

"Would you have believed me if I told you I was related to that trailer trash?" I asked him, hoping for a chuckle.

"You are trailer trash." He said with a smile. Obviously the whiskey was doing its job and I ducked my head, knowing how he'd meant to say it. "I mean, seriously. Coming from a family like that? I'm surprised you made it out alive."

I leaned against the couch, listening to the breeze blow against the windows and Juice sip more from the bottle. I heard him rustling around in his pocket, pulling the cigarette case he used for his joints out. He pulled one out and lit it, exhaling the sweet smoke into the room.

Juice laughed. "I thought it was your fuckin' husband come to take you home or something."

I quirked a smile, although he'd known Danny had been the last man I was with. He knew Danny was gone forever. Nobody ever saw the family resemblance between me and the boys, even with Daryl being my twin. "I couldn't get a date in high school because all the guys from the next town over thought he was my boyfriend."

We sat there for a long time. Juice nearly finished off the fifth, smoking two more joints before falling asleep on the couch in his cut. I laid a blanket over him, biting my lip at the sight. I capped the whiskey and put it away before pulling my jacket off the rack and slowly pushing open the door to the garage. I didn't want to risk sneaking out through the front door. I always forgot how hard the screen door slammed against the wood frame.

Once I was in the garage, I left through the man door and headed out onto the street. At first, I started in the direction of the clubhouse before I stopped.

Nobody at the clubhouse wanted to see my sorry face. I exhaled into the chilly night air and turned around, heading for the highway. It was only two miles out. It took me longer to walk, but I was used to riding with Juice or on a motorcycle in general. I generally forgot I had a little Dodge Intrepid in the driveway, even though I walked by it frequently.

I knew the cheapest motel off the highway was the Rodeway Inn, so I headed for it. It wasn't hard to spot the two Harleys parked side by side in front of one of the rooms, but I didn't want to have a screaming match with Merle in the parking lot.

I pulled out my cell and typed in the number I remembered from a hundred years ago, hoping Daryl hadn't had a reason to change it. 'Out by the swings' was all I typed out as I fell into one of the swings on the flimsy playground set. I watched the door for almost ten minutes and was about to give up and leave when it opened.

Daryl's figure emerged, calling something in to Merle before pulling the door closed. I saw him light a cigarette before he wandered over to the swing set. I watched the highway in front of us, the cars whizzing by, somewhere else more important to be than here.

"Hell ova day." Daryl said, the scent of cigarettes and wet dirt filling my noise.

I nodded, not feeling up to talking at the exact moment.

Daryl never cared much for mindless chatter, it was one of the reasons he hated Merle. But Daryl and I were different in the aspect that I knew what Merle was made of and it made me sick. Daryl knew, but he was so scared to lose the only family he had left, he was willing to be drug around the country for the man who was no better than our dad had been.

A pack of cigarettes ended up near my face and I pulled one out, making sure not to take Daryl's lucky strike. The man had never been superstitious, but he believed to his core in lucky strikes. He handed over his lighter and I leaned down, cupping the cigarette around my hands to block it from the breeze as I sparked the lighter.

I took a deep breath, smiling at the flavor of the L&M Bolds. I hadn't had them since Daryl and I started smoking together in high school. "Can't believe they still make these."

"I must be keepin' 'em alive." Daryl said, the smoke dangling between his lips. "You been doin' okay?" He asked quietly.

He was facing the side of my face that had a nice, long thin scar from Danny's ring months ago. I thought about the answer for a long time before I shook my head. "No."

He nodded, taking my honesty with a grain of salt as he fell into the swing next to me. "Me neither."

I gave a nervous chuckle. "Yer with Merle. Can't expect so." I told him, cursing myself for the way the drawl just came back after all these years of suppressing it.

Daryl shrugged like he was at a loss. "Merle… he ain't so bad."

I looked over at him curiously, wondering if he really thought that or if he was talking out of his ass. He made no move to challenge me, just gave me a sideways glance as I sucked on the cigarette. "Suppose we've all changed a bit."

"He dead?" Daryl asked, filling his lungs with smoke.

"Who?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"The fucker that messed up yer face." He told me simply, no implications in his tone.

I had never heard what the club had done with Danny, but I hadn't seen him around town and his old house was up for sale. To be honest, I was scared to ask. I knew there was blood on the clubs hands, but I didn't want to know the details of it ever. "Expect so." I told him.

He nodded like that was a good enough answer. "You let him do that long?"

"Didn't let him do nothin', Daryl." I told him, feeling the sting of his words.

"You know I didn't mean it like that." He told me.

I sat there for a moment, remembering all the damage Danny had done to me. All the broken mirrors, all the broken bottles, all the times I'd had to stitch myself up. "Better part of a year and a half."

Daryl scoffed, spitting at his feet as he lit another cigarette. "Shoulda called."

"And said what? 'Come rescue me from another fuckin man wanting to beat the shit out of me'?" I asked him harshly, stomping out the cigarette butt.

"I sure as fuck wouldn'ta let it go a year and a half." Daryl spat back.

I shrank away from his words, remembering I hadn't come to fight. We sat there in silence, listening to the running's of the hotel, watching the cars speed by. "Ain't at all like home."

Daryl scoffed, but the corners of his mouth twitched into a smile. "We still only got one stop light."

I smiled. "California must be a big place for you country bumpkins." I said, moving on the swing to knock my knees into his.

"Sure ain't Georgia." He told me and I nodded.

"Sure ain't." I agreed.

"Yer Mexican know yer out here talkin' to me?" Daryl asked, offering me another smoke.

I took it and the lighter again, breathing deeply. "Ain't Mexican."

Daryl shrugged like he didn't care. "Ain't no difference to me."

"He passed out on weed and booze. Probably wake up about two or three with nightmares." I told him honestly. Juice and I both had recurring nightmares when we drank or smoked too much. But it never really stopped us from doing it again.

Daryl nodded. "He takin' care of ya?"

I nodded, smiling. "Best anybody ever has."

He looked at me, trying to see if I was telling the truth or not. "Don't mean much."

I knew what he meant and decided not to argue. We'd both been treated like crap our whole lives. We'd never thought we'd amount to anything, or hell, even make it out of the family alive. But here we were; the last in a long line of sinners, just like us.

"I'd hate to have to kill 'im." Daryl said and it took a minute to realize he was talking about Juice.

I shook my head. "He watches movies with me." I told him, looking over at him. Daryl and I had always had a hard time finding anybody to watch movies with besides ourselves, since nobody ever liked the movies we watched and pa never let us watch too much TV. "And he makes me these little paper cranes when he's apologizing because I told him nobody ever made shit for me before."

Daryl cracked a smile and I knew it was going well. "Don't start sproutin' Spanish all the day, does he?"

I rolled my eyes. "He's from Queens. I'm pretty sure he speaks more Yiddish."

"The fuck is Yiddish?" Daryl asked, crinkling his nose like he smelled something funny.

I chuckled, leaning into him. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, lil' sis." Daryl said with a smile.

"Seven fucking minutes." I groaned, remembering how he'd introduce me the same way in high school.

"Older is older." He said, stomping out his smoke and standing up. Without another word, he headed for the hotel room and I was left on the swing set.

* * *

By the time I made the walk home, Chibs and Half Sack had both texted me, asking if I was alright. I sent them both back the same message.

'I fucked up. Gotta work it out myself. Might not be at work tomorrow.'

Half Sack had replied almost instantly, telling me he was here if I needed him. I thanked him and told him goodnight. Chibs didn't reply for nearly a half hour. 'Outside' was the only thing that came through.

I narrowed my eyes at the message, glancing at how Juice was still long gone on the couch. I toed on my shoes again and grabbed my jacket, making my way out the man door of the garage and out onto the sidewalk.

Chibs stood at the end of the driveway without his bike. "Parked down a block. Didn't want ya gettin' in trouble with Juicy." He said before I had a chance to ask.

I nodded, crossing my arms over my chest. "Come to tell me what I fuck up I am?" I asked, watching the concrete like it might come alive.

"Nah, suppose you've got enough of that comin'." He said. "I came to make sure yer alright."

I shrugged. "What's better than family?" I asked sarcastically, kicking at the cement with the toe of my shoe.

"You are." Chibs said, setting his finger under my chin and making me look at him.

"Juice is mad I didn't tell him more about my abusive family. My abusive family is mad that I left. Merle is probably gonna deck me next time he sees me. And Jax, man, Jax looked so mad." I said with a sigh. "I broke the old lady code."

Chibs chuckled, which both did and didn't reassure me of the situation. "Aye, that ya did. If ya'd told Juicy boy more, ya'd be doin' alright about now. But ya kept it a secret from us all. That always comes back to bite ya in the arse."

I nodded. "Well, obviously I know that now. You got a Delorean stashed somewhere?" I asked, looking up and down the street for effect.

Chibs gave a hearty chuckle. " 'Fraid not lass."

I nodded, feeling my fate settle on my shoulders. "So I'm goin' it alone. Perfect. Just like old times." I grumbled, turning away from him.

He took my shoulder with a strong hand, turning me back around. "I never said you were goin' it alone. I don't care about yer family, because we're yer family. Whatever choice you make, it's yours and yours alone. But I'll back yer every step."

I gave him a smile, moving to hug the older man. "You're the best pop I ever had."

"Way to make a lad feel old." Chibs said, but he smiled. "Best get back to yer old man. I suppose there's makeup sex at the end of this somewhere." He said with a grin, turning and walking back the direction I assumed his bike to be.

I nodded. "Makeup sex would definitely be worth it at this point." I mumbled, moving back towards the house.

* * *

Juice climbed into bed with me damn near 4 in the morning, shaking. Without a word, I pulled him close to me, knowing we relied on each other for these things. He was mumbling about being worthless and stupid and I shushed him, slowly moving my fingers over his back and shoulders to calm him. It took almost an hour before he wrapped his arms around me tightly, holding every inch of me against him.

"I love you." His whispered words came out of the silence.

"I love you too." I told him.

"Don't leave me." He said quietly.

I shook my head against him. "Never."

"Don't go back with your brothers." He whispered and I could tell he was close to tears.

"I can't. I won't." I told him, feeling the panic increase in my chest.

He held me close for a long time before we fell into a restless sleep together. We woke up together as his alarm went off and we just laid together, wrapped up in limbs and sheets. "Are you going to work today?" He asked quietly.

"I don't think anybody wants me there." I told him just quietly.

"I do." He told me.

"You're not the Prez. And Jax looked so mad yesterday." I said, moving to pull away from Juice.

His grip tightened on me, not allowing me anymore room to move. "Clay and Jax will understand when I explain it. Don't leave."

I moved back against him and he relaxed. "They're still gonna be pissed."

Juice nodded against my chest. "We'll work it out together." I hoped so. I hoped it didn't all fall apart again.

We got ready and rode into Teller Morrow. Juice told me he'd find Jax and I made my way into the office to find Clay in my chair behind the desk.

"Heard your family made a surprise appearance." He said in his gruff voice. I nodded, fearing my voice. "You send 'em away?" He asked, looking at me sharply.

"I tried." I told him, hearing my voice crack and betray me. I cleared my throat before talking again. "They want to talk to me before they leave town."

"Then why are you here?" Clay asked sharply.

"Because I don't know what to say to them." I explained.

"You best figure it out and get them out of my club." Clay said sternly, pushing out of my chair and heading into the garage.

I sighed after the door closed and wrinkled my nose. I hated the smell of cigar smoke after Clay left a room; like old smoke in a closed up room.

A couple hours later, I went over to the clubhouse to get something for lunch and returned to the office so nobody had to see my sorry face. I'd just finished lunch when Opie came in from the garage.

"Your friend is sitting outside the gates." He told me, looking disgruntled.

I stood, wondering what friend as I pulled open the office door. I could see Daryl leaning against his parked bike on the street across from the TM gates. "Why can't they just leave?" I murmured, pushing myself to take the step forward. Opie trailed behind me, following me across the lot. "You don't have to."

"Wouldn't want Juice to kill me for letting you get hurt." He spoke up, never taking his eyes of Daryl.

"You're twice Juice's size." I said, looking him up and down.

"Don't mean he wouldn't shoot me." Opie told me, stopping at the entrance to the gates. This way he could over hear the conversation, but give us some space. It was MC code. I'd done wrong by not informing the club of my family, but they'd still protect me.

I crossed the road before stopping in front of my twin brother.

Daryl glanced over my shoulder. "Wanted to talk to you alone."

"Well, after Merle threatened me, they're not letting me alone unless I'm in the office." I told him.

"You know Merle ain't like that." He told me, pushing off his bike to light a cigarette before offering me one.

I took it, sparking his lighter before handing it back. "Whatcha wanna talk about?"

"Merle ain't leavin' til he can talk to you." Daryl told me.

I nodded. "Figured as much."

"He wants to talk tonight, after you get off work." Daryl told me.

I smiled. "Merle don't give two shits about work, or when I get off."

Daryl nodded. "I told him to."

"Well, thanks, I guess." I said, sucking on the smoke.

"I miss ya." Daryl told me sincerely.

"I miss you too. But not enough to be around Merle." I told him and I could see the pain in his eyes. "This is my family. They love me here."

Daryl puffed up his chest. "I love ya, ya fucker."

I ducked my head, nodding. "But we can't be around each other for more than five minutes without screamin'. We can't talk normal."

Daryl seemed to agree as he relaxed a little, leaning back against the bike. "Thought you was dead."

I nodded. "Almost did." He looked up at me sharply, asking the question without words. "I almost jumped off a bridge. Didn't think there was another way to get away from my ex. Chibs and Jax saved me."

"The fuck kind of name is Chibs?" Daryl asked, stepping on the butt of his smoke.

"The fuck kind of name is Daryl with a 'y'?" I asked, looking at him sharply.

He ducked his head, nodding a little. "Suppose I can meet 'em?"

I watched him for a moment, not sure if he was serious. But I nodded. "I'll bring 'em tonight. Jax is VP. He'll probably want to be there anyway."

Daryl watched me for a long moment and I looked up the street so I didn't have to look at him. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for ya."

I nodded. "It's fine Daryl. I'll see you tonight." I told him, turning and crossing the road quickly, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"You good?" Opie asked.

I shook my head. "Good as it gets, which ain't much."

"I like your accent." Opie told me, watching Daryl speed off down the street.

I sighed heavily. "Tried for almost ten years to get rid of it. Guess I'm fuckin' stuck with it again."

Opie cracked a smile like he enjoyed seeing me with this annoyance.

* * *

Pacing the room was the only thing I could do with my nervous energy. Juice would be home any minute and then we were off to meet Merle and Daryl at the abandoned dairy. That way if there was a scuffle or somebody got shot, we weren't in the public eye.

I was so nervous, I just couldn't manage to stand still for longer than five seconds. I'd asked Chibs if he'd come tonight, since Daryl was sincere in wanting to meet him. Juice told me Jax was comin' already to make sure nothing went south. Pacing seemed like a good idea when I started it, but now I couldn't stop. I felt like even if I wanted to, my legs would keep moving on their own.

Strong hands on my shoulders stopped my motion, making me look up at their owners. Juice stood in front of me with a sad look in his eyes and I wanted to burst into tears. "I'm sorry." I told him quietly.

"I know you are. But this is a partnership. We have to work together or we won't work at all." He said softly.

I nodded quickly. "I know, I know. If I had any idea I'd ever see them again-"

Juice cut me off by pulling me close and holding me tightly. "We'll figure it out. We always do."

I nodded again, wiping my eyes from the stray tears that had left my eyes. Something moved out of the corner of my eye and I turned to see Chibs shifting his weight, looking away from us. He caught me looking at him and he turned to smile, holding his arms out to me. I moved over to him, hugging him tightly. "Thank you."

"Fer what, lass?" The Scot asked.

"Everything you've done for me since you saw some stupid girl standing on a bridge." I told him sincerely.

"Ain't no stupid girl, lass. She's smart and funny and looks bad ass in leather pants." Chibs said with a wink and a smile.

I chuckled and smiled at him, silently thanking him again.

"C'mon. Jackie boy is waiting outside." Chibs said, taking my hand and guiding me out of the house.

I climbed on the back of Juice's bike and Jax led us out to the dairy with Chibs trailing behind. Daryl was already there when we parked our bikes, but Merle was nowhere to be seen. Juice squeezed my hand before I met Daryl halfway in the open driveway.

Daryl looked nervous, glancing over my shoulder. "They uh… They ain't gonna shoot me if I hug ya, are they?"

I smiled at him. "C'mon." I said, holding my arms out.

He scooped me into his arms and held me tightly, lifting me off the ground. He held me for a long moment before releasing me again with a little smile. "Missed ya."

"Ya already said that." I told him and ducked my head, wishing this accent would go away.

Daryl glanced over my shoulder again. "That them?"

I nodded, turning around and giving them a little wave. Juice stayed back by the bikes, but his eyes never left me. "Daryl, this is Chibs and Jax. Guys, my only slightly older twin brother, Daryl."

"Heard ya saved my sister." Daryl said, giving Jax and Chibs both a firm grip.

"Yeah, we did." Jax said and I felt like he was challenging Daryl.

"Ya got the same grip your sister does, lad." Chibs said, obviously trying to defuse the tension.

Daryl just nodded before looking back down at me. "I uh… I told Merle twenty after. I wanted to make sure ya didn't hate me first."

I turned to him. "Why would I hate you?"

Daryl looked away, digging in his pocket for a cigarette. It was his only way of calming his nerves. He'd never been good at talking about his feelings and I knew this was all very hard for him. "I never… I never watched after ya like I shoulda." He told me quietly, sparking his lighter and take a deep drag.

"You didn't know any better." I told him.

He shrugged. "Guess it don't matter now." He told me.

I hit him hard in the shoulder, making him look at me. "They adopted _me._ They saved _me._ Pa wanted a punching bag and you wanted to be whatever the fuck Merle wanted ya to be."

He gave me a sharp look. "Didn't sleep with half the county either."

I gapped at him. "Ten fucking years later and all you have as a comeback for being a shitty brother was, 'Wow, you were a whore in high school'?"

"I did the best I could." He told me, but we both knew his words were empty.

I felt my temper building and I turned away from him, looking up at the night sky. It was pretty out here, away from the city lights. I could see the North Star easily, where I couldn't in the city.

Daryl sighed loudly behind me and I knew the three bikers were watching us closely. "I never knew how ta talk to ya without pissin' ya off."

I sighed, turning back to look at him. "It's really not that hard. You literally have to say something, anything that isn't condescending. I ain't in high school no more, Daryl." I told him, talking with my hands.

He watched me carefully. He knew it was a trait I only had when I was desperately trying to communicate.

A motorcycle roared in the distance and Jax and Chibs retreated to their bikes, hanging back out of the way. Merle gave us a snarl as he climbed off his Harley.

"The fuck is this? The fuck you run off without me for?" Merle snapped at Daryl who shrunk away from him.

"Don't you yell at him. He wants to keep the peace." I told Merle.

He turned his snarl on me. "Well ain't you a good little biker bitch. Goin' wherever your Mexican tells you."

"He's Puerto Rican, you deep fried fuck." I said calmly. Merle held his hands up in mock defense. "I didn't come here to fight with you. I came here to talk to you so you'll get the hell out of my town."

"Yer town?" Merle said and I could hear the slur starting. He'd already been at the bar this evening.

"Yes. My town, my people, my bikers. Mine." I said, gesturing to myself.

"What about your family?" Merle asked sharply.

"Currently, they're standing behind me and off to my left." I said, loosely gesturing to Daryl.

Merle snarled at me, spitting in my direction. "What 'bout ol Merle, huh? You too good to have a buncha roughnecks for family?"

"No, I ain't dammit. I'm too good for your sorry ass and your poor excuse of a life." I told him. "You drug my brother all over this godforsaken country because you're too selfish to go your own damn way. You been draggin' him down since he was old enough to walk and you ain't stopped since."

"You best watch your mouth, sister. I don't care how that pussyfoot of a beaner treats you, you best understand yer place." Merle said with a deadly calm.

"No. Fuck you." I told him, moving to stand more between him and the bikers behind me. "They love me, Merle. They care for me like you ain't seen the likes of before."

"Love." Merle scoffed at the word.

"When was the last time you woke up next to a woman who was happy to see yer face in the morning? Huh?" I asked, coming closer to him. " 'Cause you see the man leaning against the Dyna? Yeah? My face is the first thing he wants to see in the morning. He gives a shit about me. He watches out for me and protects me like I ain't seen before. He would miss me if I left."

"We missed ya!" Merle roared. "Every goddamn day after you left, I missed ya."

"But you ain't come lookin' til ya found me. On accident." I told him pointedly. He paused, obviously trying to think it out. "Ya ever go lookin' for me? Huh? Ya ever leave the city lines to see if I'd gone far? Goddamn, I spent the first two weeks in Rossburn." I told him.

"That ain't but twenty miles away." He said, thinking about it.

"No it ain't, but you didn't look for me. You were glad to have one less fuckin' kid to mind. But lucky you, you got stuck with the one who followed you around like a little lost puppy dog. Suppose if you were gonna get one of the goddamn twins, might as well be the one you gave half a shit for." I said, feeling like I couldn't stop the words.

Merle's face was getting red and he moved up right close to me so I had to tilt my head to look at him. "You watch yer mouth." He told me slowly. "Family's family and I ain't never gave up on family."

"But ya didn't give a shit either." I told him with the same voice.

"You watch yer mouth, girl, or I'mma have to straighten you out." Merle said, giving a short glance over my shoulder.

"Ya ain't gonna touch her, Merle. Your sorry ass wanted to talk." Daryl said and I could feel him behind my shoulder.

"Why'd ya leave?" Merle asked sternly.

I blinked at him. "You don't actually have the balls to ask me that, do you?"

"I ain't never done ya wrong. I did my damnedest. So you tell me why you left." Merle said.

I slowly turned around, Daryl ducking his head, looking away. "You… never told him?"

Daryl looked everywhere but at me. I knew he was trying to avoid confrontation, but I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

"Tell me what?" Merle asked angrily, glancing between Daryl and me.

Daryl just looked at me and shook his head, barely glancing at Merle. "Don't." He whispered.

But my resolve was set. I turned away from Merle, gripping the hem of my t-shirt and pulled the back of it up to rest on my shoulders so it covered my front, but Merle had a clear view of the scars running over the skin of my back. I looked over at Daryl, knowing he had many matching ones that Merle had never seen before. It was why he'd always wear the leather vest, even if he went shirtless.

Daryl's face fell and I could see he was breaking inside when his eyes locked with mine.

"What…" Merle started, but he couldn't finish his sentence. "I didn't… I didn't know…" Merle said as I pulled my shirt back down and turned to him. He looked horrified. "He hit me, but I didn't… I didn't know he ever touched ya."

"You left, 'member? Ya got yourself locked in the state pen for two years. Thought he grew out of it? Thought he wouldn't take it out on somebody else?" I asked him sharply and he winced like I'd prodded him.

Merle looked like he was crumbling as he stepped away. "Ya… ya never said so."

"Would you have listened?" I roared, feeling my temper soar. "Would you have gave two shits? No. Because it didn't involve you and your pathetic little life."

Merle looked at me helplessly.

"Now, you wanna stick around, you wanna talk to me like a goddamn human being? Then fine. Stick your ass around. But if you so much as show up at the shop again and give my bikers one dirty goddamn look, I will not hesitate to shoot you." I told him, turning sharply and heading back for the bikes.

"Kelsi Jo, wait." Daryl said, after I'd already come to stand in front of Juice. He glanced at the three men next to me before approaching slowly. "Come with us."

"Where, Daryl?" I asked, feeling tired.

He shrugged, digging his hands in his pockets. "Wherever."

I shook my head. "I can't. I can't run off with you and Merle. I got roots here. I got people willing to watch my back."

"I'll watch yer back." Daryl said, giving me a pointed look.

I nodded. "I know ya would." I said, before looking at Juice, who took my hand and held it tightly, silently begging me not to go. "Why don't you stay here, Daryl? We'll get ya a job, get ya a house. Damn, I'll even set ya up with somebody."

Daryl watched me for a moment before glancing over at Merle who was digging in his saddlebags, no doubt for a flask of something or a bottle of pills. "I can't… I can't leave him."

"Why? You could be better than him. We ain't gotta be a family of drunks and liars no more. We could make somethin' of ourselves!" I told him, coming to stand in front of him.

I saw Daryl's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard. He looked at me for a long minute then his eyes trailed over my head to Juice, Jax and Chibs. He looked back down at me, leaned in to kiss my forehead and turned, yelling at Merle to 'get on your goddamn bike.' They mounted their steeds and rode off, leaving a cloud of gravel dust.

The pain I felt in my chest as my heart broke was one I couldn't identify. It was breath taking and crippling and I didn't know if I could ever move again. Juice's arms snaked around me from behind, pressing my back to his chest.

"You okay?" He whispered.

"I didn't really want to lose them again, but part of me knew I would." I told him quietly, moving out of his grasp to turn towards the bikes. "Let's go home."

We rode home the same way we'd rode out to the dairy. Jax and Chibs wished us goodnight and rode home themselves.

I kicked off my shoes and made my way for the bedroom. I stripped out of my shirt and pants and crawled into bed, facing the wall, my back to Juice's side of the bed. I could hear him moving things in the kitchen and doing this or that before I felt the mattress move and him lay down. I stared at the wall for a long time.

When Juice's fingers touched the skin on my back, I cringed away from him. I felt bad because he had nothing to do with it; it was just the memories flooding me and the exposed skin was rarely seen. His finger settled a moment, showing me he wasn't going to hurt me before gently trailing lines over my back. I knew he was tracing the scars with his fingers. I didn't know why, but I guessed it didn't matter.

"A treasure map." Juice said quietly.

I thought about it for a moment. "To what?" I asked just as quietly. There wasn't any gold or silver at the end of this map.

"You. The best treasure a man could ask for." He murmured, pressing his lips against my shoulder blade.

"I'm no treasure." I told him, still staring at the wall in front of me.

"You are my treasure, forever." He told me, kissing each of my shoulder blades before kissing other spots on my back. I figured they were scars, but I couldn't ever remember exactly where they all were.

I rolled around in the bed to look at him. He watched me with a soft expression for a long moment before winding his fingers with mine.

"You don't have a good track record with guys. I have a very short track record with girls." Juice said. "But you mean so much to me. I was so scared out at the dairy, thinking you might say yes."

"I wouldn't leave you. You've been so good to me." I told him, scooting closer to him in bed.

He nodded, ducking his head to look at our hands laying on the bed tween us. "Sometimes family means more, even if they're bad for you."

I reached up to gently touch his cheek, making him look at me. "I'm not going anywhere as long as you're here."

He smiled a little, leaning forward to kiss me. I let myself fall into it, pulling him close to me, relishing the feeling of his skin against mine.


	10. Part 9 The Boys Are Back Chapter 2

"Hey, Kelsi?" Opie asked the next morning at work.

There was so much paperwork on the desk, I didn't even look up from it. I picked up an invoice to see the one under it. "Yeah?"

"Somebody out here wants to talk to you." He told me.

"Tell them we don't give refunds unless our parts broke." I told him, searching through the stack of papers.

"He said to tell you Rottweiler." Opie told me, looking confused.

I hadn't heard the word in ten years, except for passing. I froze up, thinking it through in my head before setting down the papers and bolting for the door. Merle sat in the lot, a cigarette hanging from his lips. I jogged across the lot, stopping in front of him. "What happened?" If I remembered correctly, Rottweiler meant one of us had gone MIA and since Merle was standing here...

Merle shrugged, looking down beaten. "I woke up and he was gone. His bike too. Ain't took no clothes."

"What did you say to him?" I asked sharply.

"Ain't said nothing, but we should leave your sorry ass here." Merle spoke.

I was torn. Half of me wanted to search up and down the streets. The other half wanted to just leave him the fuck alone. He could survive more than well enough on his own. And if we found him, chances were, he'd go back with Merle.

"What's wrong?" Juice asked, pounding boots on the cement.

"Daryl's missing. He took his bike too." I said, turning to him.

"So he ran away?" Juice asked.

"Ain't none of yer damn business." Merle slurred and I could smell the whiskey from here.

"It's my damn business same as his, so you shut your face Dixon." I growled. I turned to Juice, trying to decide what to do. "He don't usually pick up and leave. I know he ain't gone far, I just dunno why he did."

Juice nodded. "I'll pull some guys from the shop. If we don't find him in a couple hours, we'll give up."

I felt my heart swell. "Thank you." I told him, kissing him before he ran back to the open bays.

"Ya taste dirt when ya kiss him?" He asked.

"Get yourself back to your motel before you fall off that bike." I said with a snarl, stomping back to the office. I grabbed the phone book and started calling bars asking if they'd seen him. Nobody could give me anything. I knew he wouldn't have gone far. I also knew he wanted to go the last place anybody would ever look.

I sighed, wracking my brain. I decided I needed a cigarette, so I bummed one from Half Sack and walked out to the end of the driveway for the body shop, standing on the sidewalk pacing. I felt stupid. I should know this. I should know where he went and what he was doing. He was my twin for God sakes.

Five or six more rounds of pacing and something made me look up. I didn't know why, but I just felt the need to look up the street. Not a block down the road, across the street, was a bar. The neon was lit bright, despite the eleven o'clock hour. I took a big drag from the smoke, looking down at the concrete before looking back towards the neon.

"The last place anybody would look for Daryl is right around the corner from me…" I thought out loud. My feet started across the street before my brain could understand what I was doing. I puffed the smoke all the way to the door, stomping it on the sidewalk as I pushed open the door.

It took a long minute for my eyes to adjust to the dim lighting when it had been so bright outside. The bartender nodded to me, telling me he acknowledged that I'd stepped inside. I nodded back, scanning the big room. The bar was up front, and off to the side in the back were pool tables. A jukebox sat in the middle, playing some country song from the 80's I was sure I knew the words to if I thought about it for a moment.

At the table farthest from the entrance, stood a leather clad man with dark hair, cut short because that was how dad had told him men wear their hair. If the yells and groans were of any conciliation, Daryl was kicking the other guy's ass.

I stomped up to him, not caring how stupid I looked. He was leaning over to shoot and never even flinched when I came up, almost touching him. "What do you think you're doing, running off like that? You freak. You coulda died."

He smirked, shooting the 3 ball without a problem. "Nice to see you too, little sister."

I knew he'd said it just to irk me. "Stop it. What are you doing?"

He stood and gave me a crocked smile, evidence he'd recently taken up our father's favorite hobby. "Drinkin'. Kickin' his ass." Daryl smiled with a nod to the other man.

The other guy was looking less than happy. "Can we play, lady?"

"No, you can't. Not until I'm done." I told him, crossing my arms before I looked at Daryl. "What the hell got into you?"

He shrugged, showing me he obviously wasn't that interested in our conversation.

"Fine. Why here? Three bars in Charming and you pick the one a block from my work?" I asked him harshly.

"Lady. Get over your issues so I can play my game." The other man said loudly.

Daryl held up his hand, obviously telling him to be quiet for me. "Only one with some good pool tables."

"Mason's has pool tables." I told him. "So does the Arrowhead off of Wadsworth."

Daryl just watched me. "Ain't gonna give up, are ya?"

"Nah, I ain't. Tell me." I said sternly.

"Get over your fucking lovers quarrel so I can play some goddamn pool." The man said, coming around the table. He grabbed my arm and Daryl's eyes went to fire.

I turned and threw my fist into his face as hard as I could. He doubled over, grabbing his face. I grunted as I kicked him in the stomach, knocking him and a set of two chairs and a table over. "I'm havin' a motherfuckin' conversation with my brother, you fuckin' sack of shit. So shut yer goddamn trap and be a good bitch." I growled at him, kicking him in the ribs again before turning to Daryl, the adrenaline pumping threw me. "Give me a fuckin' answer."

"No, give me a fuckin' answer." Daryl said, moving up close to me so our chests were almost touching. "You fuckin' high tail it so fast, nobody can even see where the fuck ya went. And then, I find ya here in fuckin' California? Ridin' some Mexican bare back on his fuckin' motorcycle? Tell me why the fuck you left."

"Because you're a goddamn piece of trash, Dixon. All you ever wanted was to be like yer paw. I left because I didn't want to be the one to have to kill 'im. If I stayed in that fuckin' house, I woulda killed him or my own self." I told him, puffing up my chest the same way he did.

"You shut yer mouth. You wouldn'ta had the guts and both of us know it." Daryl growled.

"I woulda too. Maybe not when I was sixteen, but that man was still alive and to come up to me now, after the hell of a life I been through? Fuck that man. I'm glad he's dead and so are you!" I said loudly, trying to get it through his thick head.

We'd attracted the attention of everyone else in the bar, but nobody was stepping in or telling us to get out, so I didn't care.

"He wouldn't no good, but he was our paw." Daryl growled.

"No, he wasn't no good, but you followed him around like we were expectin' a damn treat." He snapped.

Daryl looked mad enough to spit. "Fine. He ran ya off." Daryl relented. "Couldn'ta took me too?"

"The fuck were you gonna go? With me? We can't be in a room together five minutes without screaming. You think I was drivin' with your ass out here?" I asked him, raising my eyebrows.

"Well if ya had, you wouldn't tried gettin' married to some fuckin' ass pussy bitch that hit ya." Daryl snapped.

I took a step back, as if he'd struck me. I moved my hand to rest on my chest, feeling a kind of snap, like something had broken. "I didn't want that." I said, barely above a whisper.

"Never fuckin' stopped it." He said and I could tell he'd had more to drink then I'd thought.

His words cut me deeper than I wanted and tears sprung to my eyes. "You think I wanted that? To get beaten for not making dinner? I wanted beer bottles and mirrors thrown at me because I wasn't his dream trophy girlfriend, because I couldn't lose enough weight? You think I wanted more fuckin' scars with stories I can't tell?" I choked.

Something in Daryl's eyes switched and he realized his mistake. "Kelsi Jo…" He said quietly.

I shook my head, looking away from him. "You wanna leave, you fuckin' leave. I'm done caring for people who don't give a shit about me. You can fuck yourself." I told him, spitting on his shoes before turning and walking away, pushing the door open with a clang.

Opie and Jax stood on the sidewalk in front of Teller-Morrow, looking up and down the street. Opie spotted me, nudging Jax before running towards me. "What-" He started to ask, but I hugged him tightly, feeling the tears overrun me. I could feel Jax's hand on my back, comforting me.

"What happened darlin'? They hurt ya?" Jax asked.

I shook my head into Opie's t-shirt. "It's just Daryl. I'm sorry. He's an idiot." I said, pulling away from the tall biker to wipe at my face. Jax held out a handkerchief and I scrubbed it over my face before handing it back to him.

"What'd he say?" Jax asked, looking alert.

I looked up at the sky and across the street, anywhere that wasn't towards the guys. "He said I wanted to get beat because I didn't stop it. So, ya know, that makes it my fault."

Jax moved away from us before I grabbed his arm, making him look back at me.

"Please don't waste your energy. He's worthless. I got that. C'mon. Just… walk me back across the street." I told him.

He was slow to recover, but he nodded, taking my hand from his arm and wrapping it around his, to keep me close or to help himself calm down, I wasn't sure. But Opie's hand set on my back and the two bikers walked me back across the street and into the lot for Teller-Morrow, where Opie called Juice, who had apparently left, doing a search grid.

Gemma hugged me tightly upon my return and I wondered if she squeezed so hard, trying to fit the pieces of a broken person back together. "You okay sweetie?"

I nodded. "Just family drama. They'll leave and it'll be fine again." I said with another nod. "I uh… got more checks to enter into the computer." I told her, moving back into the office. I saw the look Gemma gave me, but I think she also understood. So she closed the door, leaving me alone in the office. I sighed heavily, sitting at the computer and drowning myself in the unbalanced check register for the last month.

At some point, I heard the door open, whether it was to the lot or the bays, I wasn't sure. I just knew that if I looked up and thought about it too much, I'd fall apart. So I continued to work on balancing the accounts until a hand touched my shoulder, making me jump.

I looked up to see Juice with a concerned look on his face. "Hey babe. What's wrong?" I asked, suddenly worried something had happened.

"What are you doing?" He asked quietly.

"Working. Why?" I asked, still watching him carefully.

"I've been in here for almost a half hour." He told me in the same tone.

"Oh God baby. I'm so sorry." I said, looking away from him. "I just… got caught up. I can't find where last month balances. It's gonna drive me crazy." I told him, looking at the paperwork spread across the desk.

"You haven't even touched this shit in ten minutes." He told me quietly.

I scrubbed my hand on my face, trying to think of a solid reason not to look at him. "I must've been zoning out."

"What happened at the bar?" He asked gently, kneeling down to look up at me.

I couldn't look at him. "Daryl just being his dick-self. No big deal."

"Jax said you ran out in tears." He spoke gently.

I shrugged. "He's just a dick. It's a family trait. I'm sure I'm a dick to you sometimes." I told him, shuffling papers so I didn't have to look at him.

"So why won't you look me in the eye?"

His words were simple and he said them with no inflection, but they made me pause. "Because I don't want to talk about it and I know looking at you will make me spill my guts." I was positive he already knew that, but he wanted to hear me say the words.

"Why don't you want to tell me?" He asked. I sat there, contemplating it before he sighed. "You don't want me to kill him."

I nodded slowly, shuffling my papers into a pile.

"He blamed you, didn't he?" He asked slowly.

I put my palm under my chin and my elbow on the desk, looking out the window towards the back of the building.

Juice sighed. "C'mon. There's a bottle of whiskey and a line of joints at home with your name on it." He told me, tugging on my arm.

"You know me pretty well, huh?" I asked.

"You've lived with me for six months. How would I not know that we both get wasted to unwind from something?" He asked, guiding me out of the chair and the office, towards his Dyna in the lot.

He drove us home without another word, helping me from the bike and inside. I was about to start working on the dishes when his hand set on my hip, making my look at him. Juice almost looked helpless. "Please don't."

"Don't what?" I asked, suddenly worried.

"You clean when you're upset and I just can't sit here and watch that." He told me.

I bit my lip, looking away from him. I wanted to argue; tell him I wasn't upset, I just wanted the dirty dishes out of the sink. But I knew it wasn't true. I cleaned because it gave me something to ignore Juice, so I didn't have to look at him and feel guilty. "Did you uh… have something in mind?"

He nodded, taking my hand and pulling me towards the living room. I let him lead me into the open space where he kicked off his biker boots and I followed suit, feeling no need for the foot coverings anymore. He picked up the remote for the surround sound system he'd installed right before I moved in and watched me as he clicked the button, sliding a disc into place in the system.

Chris Ledoux started singing Tougher than the Rest and I paused. I remembered telling Juice how it had been the song played at my Junior prom, when the guy I'd been crushing on all year asked me to dance with him.

"You hate country." I told him quietly.

He nodded. "But you don't." He told me, taking my hand and pulling me closer.

"You told me you hate dancing." I said, wondering why we were doing all these things we'd never done before.

"I don't hate it; I'm just not good at it." He told me, spinning me around before pulling me close again. He started moving us side to side before slowly moving me around the living room.

"You're two-stepping." I told him, wondering where all of this was coming from.

"Gemma taught me. I told her how you use to do it all the time." He told me.

"Why are you doing all this for me?" I asked, pulling back enough to look at him, although I easily kept pace with his moves.

"Because nobody else ever has." He told me, looking like he had more to say. "I need you to know you're important to me. And if I have to two-step to music I hate, then that's what I'm going to do."

I watched him carefully as he danced us in circles. "You're too good for me."

He shook his head, spinning me again before pulling me in. "Just good enough."

I leaned my head on his shoulder, relishing the feeling of his closeness as he moved back and forth. "You didn't have to learn how to dance to music you hate to tell me you love me." I spoke quietly.

Juice nodded. "Yes I did. All your life, people have lied to you; telling you they'd treat you right when they couldn't hold a match between two fingers. I'm not going to promise you anything but what I've got. I just thought if I showed you that you mean something to me, you'd believe me for real."

I held him tightly to me, feeling my eyes well up with tears. "That means a lot to me." I told him quietly as we swayed. The song ended and a George Strait song came on. "Thank you."

Juice and I had just finished dancing to our seventh or eighth song when there was a knock on the door. Most of the club only knocked to give warning before coming in. I didn't remember the last time somebody had stood outside and knocked on the door. Juice moved to open it and I was surprised to see Daryl at the door, his head looking down the road and a smoke between his shaky fingers.

"What do you want?" Juice demanded, making Daryl cringe.

"Hey Kelsi." Daryl murmured.

I came over and set a hand on Juice's side. I knew from Daryl's posture he wasn't here to fight, he was surrendering. I stepped between the two of them and took Daryl's face in my hands, pulling it to look at me. He closed his eyes, showing me a big purple blotch around his eye and cheek. "Daryl." I said quietly.

He shrugged hopelessly. "Merle n' me… we got into it. They kicked us outta the hotel for it. Merle… he took off, tellin' me not to come back to Georgia with him." He said quietly, taking a deep drag from his cigarette.

My heart ached for him and I moved to hug him tightly. He was an asshole and a dick of a man, but he was full of good intentions and love for people who didn't care about him. "But you've got me. It's okay." I told him.

"I don't want yer fuckin' pity. I don't fuckin' deserve it. I just want yer fuckin' couch for the night." He told me sharply, under his breath.

"Daryl Casey, you best know this house don't give out pity. We have a stock pile of mercy and forgiveness, though. You can take as much as you want." I told him, making him look at me again.

"Forgiveness." He kind of laughed the word out. He took another drag before ducking his head. "Forgiveness I could use a little of."

"You're just gonna forgive him? After everything he said to you today?" Juice asked harshly, but Daryl cringed at the words like Juice had struck him.

"Forgiveness don't mean you ain't mad anymore. Forgiveness means that the other person is more important than your ego. I'd rather forgive him than lose him again." I told him quietly, hoping he'd understand.

Juice watched me a long minute before he nodded like it clicked for him. "You drink?" Juice knew the answer, he was just being polite.

Daryl nodded. "I ain't no Kelsi Jo, but I can hold my own."

I shook my head, ushering him in and closing the door. "Don't let him fool you. He can put away a twelve pack in the pre-party game and finish a handle without a problem."

Juice scoffed like he didn't believe me, but I nodded to him when he turned back around. He stalled out, pouring three shots.

"Junior year, I got shitfaced at a party one of Merle's friends was throwin'. Daryl was a fifth of Captain Morgan in front of me and he took care of me the whole night, even finding a sober driver to get us home and into bed before dad woke up." I explained, tossing back my shot.

Juice followed suit and Daryl rolled his glass around in his fingers before throwing his down the hatch. "Those were the days." He said sarcastically.

I bumped into him. "Don't say that."

"At least we talked normal." Daryl commented, avoiding looking at Juice as he looked around the room.

I nodded. "We weren't allowed to fight then."

Daryl shrugged and tapped the rim of his glass as he gave Juice a one second glance. I had the same habit, remembering being at the clubhouse while Jax cleaned glasses and poured me shots before driving me home.

Juice apparently noticed the gesture Daryl and I shared and poured my brother another shot. He also poured me one, which I thanked with a smile at him. I wasn't oblivious to how Daryl watched us. I didn't know if Juice saw or not, but Daryl barely nodded his head, marking his approval.

"So what do you do for a living?" Juice asked, his tone friendly enough, but a trained ear like mine could hear the curt undertone.

"I work on trucks, same as Merle and my old man." Daryl commented.

I shifted, moving my hand to the back of my neck and glancing towards the fridge.

"You never told me your dad was a mechanic." Juice's voice came. I'd tried to brace myself for it, but I cringed ever so slightly.

"I didn't… I didn't think it was important." I mumbled.

"Did ya tell him ya got a slut stamp too?" Daryl mumbled, sticking a cigarette in his mouth and lighting it.

I could almost feel my face burn up. I ducked my head. Juice knew very well exactly the location of the 'tramp stamp' I'd gotten the summer I turned 18. He liked the tribal butterfly quite a bit too, encouraging me to get more ink as often as possible.

"Man, don't talk to her like that." Juice remarked. "Because I will shoot you."

I looked between them instantly, waiting to see Daryl's reaction, versus Juice's outburst. Daryl's face morphed from pure anger to a one of almost pride. A moment of review showed me it was actually respect. I could almost see a meter above Daryl's head labeled Respect, being down at the bottom in yellow or orange, and slowly rising into a blue color, two-thirds of the way up.

"I woulda said the same thing." Daryl said quietly, sticking out his hand. It was a truce. It meant he'd chill his shit about me around Juice, because he respected him now. He would still be my brother, but he'd treat me with respect, because Juice did too.

Juice's eyes were hard set as he gazed upon my brother's face. He was daring him to go back on his word. But he firmly gripped Daryl's hand, shaking hard before letting it fall back to his side again.

It was going to be okay. They'd accepted each other, because of me, even if they didn't like each other. They were willing to separate their hate or distain, because they wanted to both keep me.

I smiled, looking between them as this realization crossed me. "Barkeep, another round please." I said, tapping the rim of my glass out of habit.

Juice's face turned to a smile, seeing me smile. "Whatever you want." He said, pouring all three of us another shot of whiskey. We three clinked glasses and I smiled. It'd be okay.

* * *

Daryl spent the night on the couch. I'd slept in bed with Juice, despite Daryl's loud and vulgar protests. I woke early, feeling the pull of the sun waking me. Juice snored quietly beside me. It was never loud enough to wake me, just loud enough to hear when you were awake.

Juice and I both took an hour to fall asleep when we'd actually gotten to bed, but we normally fell asleep at the same time. He liked cuddling up to my back and when I could feel his breathing evening out, I usually fell asleep.

He'd also normally wake when I woke. But this morning was different. I'd rarely been able to watch him while he slept, so I made sure to take in his every detail.

The way the peach fuzz was gently growing in against his scalp tattoos. The same peach fuzz covering his jawline, since he hadn't shaved in a few days. The gentle way his chest rose and fell, showing how truly at peace he was right now. His fingers twitched behind my shoulder, since my head was resting on his arm.

It took another moment, but his breathing slowly changed and he made a groan of a noise, stretching and rolling into me at the same time. He curled up on his side, bringing me closer to him so that even though I was laying on his arm, he could rest his head on my shoulder.

"Good morning sunshine." I whispered, kissing the peach fuzz on his head.

He groaned again, pulling me ever closer. "Let's just do the sleep thing all day." He mumbled against my skin.

"You've got church and somebody has to watch Daryl." I told him quietly.

"Fuckin' church. Fuckin' Daryl." He said on the breath of a sigh.

I smiled gently at him. "I love you." I told him, kissing his head again.

He tilted his head still on my shoulder to look up at me. "I love you too." He told me sincerely.

I wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could. A sharp jab in the thigh made me pause, glancing down at Juice. "Well somebody's a little excited this morning."

Juice blushed, despite the fact I'd seen the hard on in and out of the boxers he was currently wearing. "I had some good dreams last night." He said, moving it around in his boxers so it wouldn't poke my leg again.

"Well… ya know, there's a cure for that." I said quietly, running the tip of my index finger over his chest.

The air left Juice's lungs and the stare of longing he gave me was almost worth a giggle.

"No there fuckin' is not. Get your asses dressed!" Daryl yelled, banging on the bedroom door hard enough to make me jump.

"Motherfuckin' asshole." Juice halfheartedly mumbled, throwing off the covers to go kick Daryl's ass.

I grabbed his arm and gave it a tug, bringing him back to me. When he landed on the bed, I kissed him hard and deep. He fell into it, cupping the side of my face and pulling me closer. I gently broke away from him and he had conflicting emotions on his face. "I want to bang the shit out of you." He murmured, quietly enough I knew no one on the other side of the door could hear.

"I know baby. Me too." I told him, biting my lip and kissing him again before we broke to get dressed.

I opened the door, letting Juice and I out into the hall that led to the rest of the house. Daryl was leaning against the back of the couch so he had a clear view of the hallway as we came down. I'd pulled a generic TM shirt out of the dresser, covered in grease stains Juice had gotten on it from work at some point.

Juice glanced at the clock and sighed, pulling his cut off the back of the chair. "It'll be okay." I told him quietly, setting a hand on his leather covered shoulder.

He nodded, but there was a look of worry in his eyes. "You want me to send somebody over?"

"I ain't gon' fuckin' hurt her, you prick." Daryl grumbled around the cigarette between his lips.

Juice almost turned around when I caught his shoulder, making him look at me. "No thank you. I'm fine. I've got work today. I won't be very far behind you."

He watched me for a moment before shaking his head, grabbing my hip and kissing me deeply. I had to concentrate on not falling into the kiss when he pulled back with a little smile. "I'll see ya when you get to the shop."

I nodded and he left through the door into the garage, never sparing Daryl another glance.

"Fuckin' gross." Daryl mumbled.

"Jealous." I threw back.

Daryl balked. "Fuckin' jealous, my ass. Of his jacket, maybe."

"When ya goin' home?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Merle called. Says he's at another hotel, waitin' on me to come back."

I nodded, walking over to him and pulling the pack out of his breast pocket of the plaid shirt he wore. I took one before putting it back, sticking it between my teeth and grabbing the lighter Juice had left on the table by the door a few days ago.

"He don't seem so bad for a beaner." Daryl quietly commented.

"Motherfuckin' Puerto Rican." I mumbled under my breath, pinching the bridge of my nose.

Daryl nodded, like he was trying to commit it to memory. "Sorry." He said quietly like he meant it. But with Daryl, there was no way to tell if he did or not.

I watched him for a moment, much the same way I watched Juice this morning. I tried to really take in his appearance instead of just looking at him. He was barely taller than he'd been in high school, about four inches taller than my 5'7" frame. His hair was cut the same kind of short it'd been his whole life. Dad said only girls let their hair grow out. If you had long hair, you were a girl. If you had short hair, you were a boy. He'd always been that black and white, as far back as I could remember.

Daryl had some new scars on his hands and arms. I figured most of them were from working, but I knew a half dozen of them probably came from bar fights, or fightin' Merle when they were drunk. Maybe one or two from a girl who'd threatened his life after he said something fuckin' stupid. I could see one on his left hand from a knife. The way it laid, he'd probably been trying to block the blow.

His shirt was a better rag than anything, hanging by threads in places, the sleeves having been torn off ages ago. His shirt, like his jeans, was covered in grease stains and cigarette burns. He always had a bad habit of getting the cherry on his pants if he tried to flick it off.

I took a deep drag of my smoke, almost forgetting it was in my hand. The cherry breathed to life and I blew the smoke out into the room.

"What?" He asked gently. It wasn't harsh, like he normally was. It was curious. He wanted to know what I was thinkin' about.

"I always thought we'd be good people when we grew up." I told him quietly. "Better than our folks, but no saints."

Daryl was quiet for a moment and I knew he was absorbing my words. "You ain't fell asleep with a smoke in yer hand and I ain't beat the shit outta nobody but Merle, but he don't count none." He said, taking a deep pull from his cigarette. "Think we turned out alright."

"We sure as hell could be worse." I agreed.

"We could be Merle." He said with a smile.

I let out a chuckle, elbowing him. "That's not very nice."

"But it's true." He said.

I nodded, looking back over at him. "I missed you."

"Missed you too." He told me quietly, leaning against me.

I put my arm around his shoulders, pulling him close and he wrapped his arm around my middle. "Your brother will come lookin' for you after a while."

He nodded. "Suppose so." He told me, stubbing his cigarette out in the ashtray. "He wants to leave tomorrow."

I nodded. As much as I wanted Daryl to stay, I also knew he'd have to leave too. "It's your choice." I told him, taking his hand and squeezing it. "I'll walk you out."

Although I walked Daryl out to where his bike was parked on the street, he said nothing else to me, only sparing a glance before he kicked it to life and rode off away from me. I shook my head and decided now was as good a time as any to go to work. Juice had bought me a Dodge Intrepid a few weeks ago with some of the money the club had given him. The other money he'd used for it came from clean, hardworking mechanic work.

I adored the car, just being able to have one. When I'd gotten with Danny, he'd sold my car to buy other things for himself. But Juice had paid cash for the whole thing, so there wasn't a loan and he'd even put the title in my name, so it really was my car. I drove down the road, making the few turns it took to get to the Teller-Morrow lot on the other side of town. I parked and pulled my purse out with me.

Half Sack waved at me when he saw me. I smiled, waving back. Half Sack was an absolute dork, but I liked him being around. He was one of my favorites; always willing to help anybody that needed it. Opie and Juice were talking when I headed for the office. Op gave me a nod and I nodded back as I opened the door and smiled at the air conditioning.

I'd been working for almost an hour when Juice came in through the door to the garage. "Hey." He said slowly.

"Hey. You alright?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just wanted to check on you. You've been in here a while."

I shrugged. "I just found a groove. I'm all good." I told him with a smile.

"You and Daryl alright?" He asked.

I nodded, then slowed my head to a stop, thinking about it. "We're better than we were when he showed up. He doesn't hate me, so I guess that's what counts."

"Does he still blame you?" Juice asked, sitting on the arm of the couch across from the desk.

I shook my head. "No. He just said that to be mean."

Juice nodded. "I'm gonna go back to work if you're alright."

I nodded with a smile. "I am. Thanks for checkin' on me."

He smirked a little. "I like your accent." He told me, before leaving through the door and closing it behind him.

I shook my head at him. He was stupid. My accent made me sound like I should be riding a mud covered pig through the middle of town shouting Praise Jesus!

* * *

It was near closing time when Tig knocked on the office door and pushed it open. "Hey Tig. What's up?"

"Kels, we just got a call on the phone for the clubhouse. Your brother got arrested." Tig told me slowly.

I sat there, watching him for a moment as his words processed through my head. "Which one?"

"The older, stupid looking one." Tig clarified.

I rolled my eyes. "Not a-fucking-gain." I mumbled. "He down at the station?"

Tig nodded. "He got popped for vandalizing your place. Spray painted 'beaner' on the side of the house."

"Are you fucking kidding me? He fucking painted Juice's house?" I growled, pushing out of the chair. "Goddamn piece of shit."

"You want a ride?" Tig called.

"No, I'm good. Tell Juice what happened, but don't let him rush down there. I got this." I told him, walking backwards a few steps before turning around when I saw him nod.

The drive to the station was short. At the front desk, I told them my brother was the loud, rude, drunk one they'd arrested earlier. She led me to the holding cell where Merle sat sideways on the bench, his back against the brick.

"He's not even Mexican." I spoke, watching my older brother.

"A beaner's a beaner. Don't matter where they're from." Merle told me.

"He's from Queens. He's as American as you or me." I told him, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Don't compare me to that piece of shit." Merle called, spitting on the concrete floor.

"You're the only piece of shit in my line of view." I told him.

"Ain't no fuckin' beaner though." He spoke again.

"Merle, what the hell is wrong with you? I find something good, somethin' decent for the first time in my life and you ain't happy, so you're tryin' to tear my shit apart." I said, feeling anger swell in me.

"Ain't my fault you ran the first chance you got. I never did you no wrong." He told me.

"You ain't helped me none neither." I told him sharply.

He turned his head. "That wasn't my fault."

"Course it wasn't. Nothing ever is. It's everybody else's fault, 'cept yours." I told him.

He got off the bench, coming closer to the steel bars that separated us. "Never said that so don't you be puttin' words in my mouth."

"You don't gotta say it for anybody 'round you to know. It was my fault I left, because I didn't want hit no more. It was Daryl's fault mom died because she was drinking after yelling at him and fell asleep with her cigarette in her hand. Why would anybody think you've got fault anywhere?" I asked sarcastically with a shrug.

"Woman, I oughta knock you into yar senses, talkin' to me like that." Merle growled.

"Right. Because that's what the men in our family do when they're angry. They hit something. Because a black and blue woman always makes a Dixon man feel better." I hissed.

Merle banged roughly on the bars, just barely making me flinch. "You best get me outta this cell and I won't whip ya."

"If I was to even consider gettin' you outta this nice little box you got, you gotta leave town. You leave town and you don't come back around my people. You stop makin' trouble for me here when I got it alright." I told him sternly.

He rolled his eyes, nodding slightly.

"I didn't hear ya say nothin'." I spoke.

"Say what?" He growled.

"Say you'll fuckin' leave." I told him sharply.

"I ain't leavin' you here with that piece of shit." Merle nearly hissed at me.

"Then I guess your ass is gonna sit here a while." I told him, turning around and heading for the door.

"You come back here, Kelsi Jo! You hear me? You get your ass back here." His voice followed me until the security guard closed the door, cutting him off.

I didn't say anything to anybody else, continuing through the building and out to the parking lot. I took a deep breath and let it out, feeling useless and overwhelmed. When I looked up at my car, two bikers were leaning against their bikes in the spot next to my car.

Jax and Juice watched me as I approached.

I moved to stop in front of them, crossing my arms over my chest and ducking my head. I knew I was breaking all kinds of old lady codes I probably didn't even know about. I knew this wasn't how it was supposed to go down. But I was in unfamiliar territory. I'd never had this problem before.

"You okay?" Juice asked.

I nodded. "He's a fuckin' retard. He won't apologize and he won't promise to leave, so I told him I won't get him out. I don't even know if Daryl knows he's here."

"I don't give a shit about him. I asked if you were okay." Juice restated.

I nodded again, looking up and out at the parking lot. "I don't know what to do."

Juice moved to get off his bike and came to hug me tightly. I hugged him back, closing my eyes and pretending we were a normal couple, who did normal things and neither of us had a fucked up past getting in the way.

"Want me to kick his ass?" Jax asked, lighting a cigarette.

I shrugged, still holding Juice. "Suppose it ain't much good. He's still an ass."

Juice nodded above me. "Yeah he is."

"I'm gonna go home if that's okay." I told Juice.

He nodded, looking down at me. "You gonna be okay?"

I nodded, rubbing the back of my neck. "I'm just gonna bury myself in blankets and try to sleep off this nightmare."

"I'll put somebody outside your house, darlin'. Don't want nothin' to happen." Jax spoke up.

"Don't think it will, but I won't argue with the Prince." I smirked, knowing he hated being called that.

He rolled his eyes. "Be glad I like you." He told me, mounting his bike and firing it up, waiting on Juice.

I leaned up to give the Puerto Rican a kiss on the cheek before going and getting in the Intrepid. They mounted their bikes and took off, out of the parking lot. I followed for a few blocks before I turned off, heading for the house. By the time I got there, Chibs was already sitting on the couch.

"Nice paint job." He said, referring to the word 'beaner' in sloppy, red paint on the front of the house.

I nodded. "Suppose it's my fault."

Chibs shook his head. "Nah love. Not your fault. It's all his."

I shrugged, feeling exhausted from the day. "I'm just gonna go lay in bed and hope I fall asleep." I told him, hanging my hoodie and purse on the coatrack by the door.

"Ya want some company?" Chibs asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

I pushed on his shoulder, knocking him forward a little. "Pretty sure Juice wouldn't be happy with that. But you can come lay on top of the sheets."

"Not done that since my school boy days." Chibs said, shaking his head like he wasn't thrilled with the idea.

"Thanks for watching over me." I told him, kissing the top of his salt and pepper hair before kicking off my shoes and making my way to the end of the hallway.

* * *

At some point, I heard the front door open and close. But I was buried under two or three blankets, staring at the wall without the alarm clock, so I didn't even know what time it was. I heard the exchanging of voices and the door opened and closed again. The sounds of heavy boots made their way down the hallway before slowly cracking open the bedroom door.

He kicked off his boots and I heard him hang up his cut, but I didn't focus on the noises. I just wanted to lay here and be numb. He came around to the other side and my brain didn't register Juice's face in front of mine until he touched my hip gently.

"Hey." I said quietly.

"Hey." He replied.

We laid there in silence for a moment, just watching the other person. "How was work?" I asked, feeling the need to ask.

He shook his head, pulling me closer to him. I was confused by his behavior until his lips pressed gently against mine. The kiss started off slow and careful, before slowly getting more passionate. When his lips pulled away from mine, I was struggling to breathe. His lips gently set kisses against my cheek, my jaw, my chin, my throat…

Juice knew all my spots, everything that turned me on.

But his actions weren't quick or jerky, like he just wanted to do it. His actions were slow and deliberate. He knew I wanted to just lay here and not feel anything, but he didn't want me to slip away. He wasn't trying to turn me on, even though he was. He was trying to let me feel him.

He kissed my neck and flicked his tongue out to just barely catch my skin. I gasped at the sensation, trying to pull him closer to me.

"What's wrong?" He asked innocently, looking down at me.

"Your pants are still on." I told him.

He cocked an eyebrow. "That's the problem?"

I had shed my jeans before I got in bed, not wanting to lay here with them on. So I gently took his hand and guided it between my legs, pulling back my underwear so he could feel my warmth.

His eyes widened a little. "I wasn't…" He trailed off.

I leaned up and kissed him. "I know." I told him, moving to his neck and nipping at the spot under his ear, the one that made him hard every time.

He growled in my ear, pushing me back against the bed and kissing me as he slipped a finger into me. I gasped, not having felt the sensation in a few days. He kissed me hard and hungrily, like he'd never be able to get enough. I bucked my hips, trying to get more friction.

"You want more of this?" He asked into my ear, sending a shiver down my back.

I nodded. "Please." I begged.

He slipped another finger into me, but it still wasn't enough. I wanted to feel all of Juice's weight on top of me, all of his muscles pressed against mine, making me moan loud enough the neighbors would complain.

I reached for Juice's jeans and unzipped them, pulling out the semi-hard muscle. He gave a groan as my fingers touched him and his fingers stilled in me as mine moved against him.

"Just think… you could have a whole other sensation if you removed that denim." I told him, gently squeezing the muscle in my hand.

He hunched over me, letting out a moan that made my walls tightened around the fingers he hadn't moved in a moment or two. He ripped his fingers out of me, leaving me with a desperate wanting. He ripped off his pants, boxers and shirt, before crawling on top of me, between my legs and kissing me deeply.

I pulled him closer, wanting to feel his strong muscles against my body. He easily slid off my underwear and gave me a few quick pumps with his fingers before he leaned into me slowly. I moaned when he pushed into me, my walls tightening around the intrusion.

Juice quivered and I knew he'd felt the sensation. "Fuck." He murmured, looking at me.

I put my hand on the back of his head and pulled his mouth down to mine. I kissed him for a moment before biting his lip. His involuntary reaction was to slam his hips against me, making me moan against his lip. I reached around his shoulders and lightly scratched at his back.

His breath left him in a whoosh. "Keep doing that and I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you can't walk."

I dug my nails deeper into his back, moving my hips to work his hard member. "I want it." I told him breathily.

"Beg for it." He growled into my ear, making me shiver with pleasure.

"Oh baby, please." I begged. "Please. I wanna feel every inch of you buried in me." I pulled hard on his back, knowing he'd have red marks in the morning.

Juice got an almost feral look in his eyes as he slammed into me. His hands gripped my hips tight enough to bruise and he quickly went to work, going in and out of me as fast as he could. It only took twenty minutes before he collapsed next to me on the bed, panting, same as I was.

We were both covered in a sheen of sweat and we'd knocked all the blankets off and pulled the sheets off opposite corners of the bed.

"That was good." I commented when I could catch my breath.

Juice nodded against the pillow his face was in. "The best."

I cuddled up next to him and he wrapped his arm around my middle as we fell into a dreamy sleep.


	11. Part 9 The Boys Are Back Chapter 3

My eyes slowly fluttered open, feeling like someone was watching me. Juice was awake, watching me carefully from under thick eyelashes and black eyebrows.

"You're pretty when you wake up." He spoke quietly.

I sighed happily, nuzzling into the hand that was laid under my cheek. "What time is it?"

"Not late enough we have to be anywhere yet." He told me gently, brushing a strand of hair out of my face.

"Okay." I said back quietly, watching him.

"I like your eyes when they're this color." He told me.

"What color are they?" I asked him.

"Mostly brown, but there's bits of blue." He spoke quietly. I remembered how we'd had a full discussion on why mine and his favorite color was brown. He'd told me my eyes change colors depending on my mood.

"What's blue mean?" I murmured.

He laid there for a moment watching me. "I haven't figured it out yet. I don't normally see the blue."

"Maybe its love." I spoke gently.

He stayed still, the same as he had for the last ten minutes. "Maybe it is." He told me, gently moving in to kiss me on the lips.

I moved against him, trying to press closer to him.

My phone dinged, making me jump a little. I didn't remember turning the ringer up.

"Who's texting you at this hour?" Juice asked me.

"Excellent question." I spoke, stretching to get the phone off the bedside table. I opened it and was slightly surprised at the message. "It's from Daryl. Bailed Merle out. Leavin' town today. Randy's Diner at noon."

"He's articulate." Juice said, drawing his eyebrows together as he took the phone from me to read the message.

"On the plus side, they're leaving." I spoke.

"Do you want them to leave?" Juice asked, looking at me as he handed the phone back.

I blinked. "What? Of course I do. Have you seen any of the trouble and mayhem they've put us through? They haven't even been here a week." I told him firmly.

He nodded. "I understand that. I'm just checking."

"I'm not leaving with them, you know that right?" I asked.

"Yeah, of course." But his tone lacked any kind of convictions.

"Juice." I said, shaking his arm a little.

"If you want to go, you can, alright. I'm not gonna hold it against you, you wanting to be with your family." He told me.

I sat up in bed to get a better look at him. I wanted to yell at him for being so stupid. I wanted to slap him. But I remembered what I'd told Merle yesterday in his cell. Maybe it wasn't just a Dixon man trait, maybe it was just a Dixon trait to be abusive. I shook my head, violently throwing off the covers. I grabbed a towel and a change of clothes, heading for the bathroom.

"Wait, Kelsi. I didn't mean it like that." Juice called after me.

But I'd already closed and locked the bathroom door. If he thought I wanted, _wanted_ to go back to Georgia with my white trash brothers, he could float down this river without a fuckin' paddle. I turned the shower on hot and stepped in, letting the water warm me from the chilly morning air.

When I finished, I dried and dressed in the bathroom. I hung my towels and unlocked the door. Juice was leaning against the opposite wall, head hung even after I opened the door. I side stepped him, pretending not to see him. I toed on my shoes and reached for my car keys.

"Kelsi, please don't leave mad."

His words made me still, my hand almost to the door knob. "I'm not mad." I told him calmly.

"Sure act mad." He mumbled like a child who'd gotten in trouble.

"I'm not mad. I'm upset. If you think that I don't love you and that I just wanna book it out of town, then maybe I shouldn't be here after all." I told him, turning the knob and moving out of the house, down to the car and getting in.

Juice stood in the doorway as I fired up the car and made my way through town and into the TM parking lot. I put the car in park and headed for the office.

"Hey Kels." Kip called.

"Yeah Kip?" I asked. I refused to call him Half Sack.

"You heard from Juice? He's not pickin' up his cell." He told me.

I heard a motorcycle roar from down the road. "He's pulling into the lot." I told him, turning around and heading for the office as I heard Juice's Dyna pass the unlocked gate and head for his designated parking space.

"Juice, we need your help." Kip called as soon as the engine died.

"It can wait." Juice called and his boots fell heavy on the concrete behind me.

I was curious, but I just pushed open the door for the office to find Opie sitting in my chair. "Comfortable?"

"Very." He told me, taking a bite out of the apple in his hand.

"Kelsi, wait." Juice spoke.

"Kip needs your help." I told him, moving to the filing cabinet.

I could feel Juice's body behind me as his arm came around my shoulder, showing me the little folded paper crane in his hand. My heart ached, because I knew out of everything, the crane wouldn't fix this thing. "Folded paper can't fix this." I murmured gently, pulling a file out to look busy.

"Kelsi… tell me what I can do." Juice said.

"You know what you can do?" I asked, turning on him. I saw his eyes flicker over me and he'd noticed the change in the conversation. He wasn't going to come out on top of this one in good standing and he already knew it. "You can go out, build yourself a time machine and use it to go back in time about one hour ago. Because an hour ago, we were layin' in bed, smilin' and havin' a good time. We weren't fightin' 'bout whether I fuckin' loved you or not."

Juice ducked his head. "I never… I never said that."

I scoffed, turning away from him. "You fuckin' didn't have to. We been together long enough, I thought you knew that." I knew Opie was watching our encounter, but I'd had no time to warn him, and he was too deep in now; he'd have to ride it out with us.

"Kelsi… I'm sorry." Juice spoke from behind me.

"Me to. I'm sorry that something I've done in the last week gave you the unholy impression that I'd rather ditch town without giving you a second thought. I'm sorry that after all this time and energy you've put into making me a better person then I was when you first met me on that stupid fucking bed, feels completely wasted since my family came back into town. I'm sorry." I told him, feeling thankful that I wasn't looking at him, because my eyes started to tear up. "Just go to work, Juice."

I could feel the energy in the room shift. I could hear him drag his boots across the carpet in the office and the lock slide out of place as he opened the door leading into the shop. I listened as he gently closed the door, as to make as little disturbance as possible.

I leaned over the filing cabinet, feeling like I was going to collapse. My world seemed like it was crashing around on me, into little pieces and I couldn't breathe.

Suddenly, there were strong arms pulling me away from the cold metal and into a leather vest.

"How could he think I don't love him? Opie, what'd I do? What'd I do wrong?" I asked as the tears fell and landed haphazardly on his leather cut and cotton t-shirt.

"It's not you. He just don't know how to handle this. You didn't do anything." He told me, pulling me closer.

"I must… I musta done something. I don't know what it was, Opie, I swear." I mumbled against him.

"It's okay. We'll figure it out." He told me, rubbing circles on my back.

It took a few minutes, but I'd stopped crying. I pulled away from him gently, wiping the stray water off my eyes. "I'm sorry I cried on you."

Opie shook his head. "Don't be sorry. We'll figure it out." He told me, putting a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"Thank you." I told him, squeezing his hand. I coughed, trying to clear my throat. "So, we should work." I told him with a nod.

He nodded once and headed out into the shop.

I nodded again to myself and moved to the desk, slowly getting into the groove of working.

* * *

About 11:30, there was a knock on the door from the shop. "Come in." I called, wondering who it was, knocking on the shop door. The guys normally came and went as they pleased.

Juice stepped forward, pushing the door closed behind him. "I just wanted to let you know it's 11:30." He spoke quietly.

I nodded, glancing at the clock. "Thank you."

"I didn't know when you wanted us to go over." He commented.

"I'll be leaving shortly." I told him, hoping he'd caught the fact I said 'I' and not 'us'.

"With all due respect, I've been protecting you from assholes since we got together. I'm not going to stop now because you're upset." Juice's words came easily and with confidence I'd rarely heard.

I paused, slowly looking up at him. I didn't know what changed, but it had. He didn't hang his head like he was ashamed, he stood tall and I could _feel_ how he was backing the words he spoke. It took me a moment, but I nodded. "Thank you." I said quietly. "If you'd be okay with giving me another ten minutes to finish this project, I'd appreciate the ride over."

Juice nodded. "Ten minutes." He said like a confirmation, moving back into the shop and closing the door again.

I watched him leave and wondered what changed. Something obviously had. He seemed more like the Juice I'd first met who wanted to watch the Mummy and told me how his stepdad had hurt him. For ten minutes, instead of working, I sat wondering what had made such a drastic change in three and a half hours.

He came back in exactly ten minutes later. "Are you ready?" He asked politely.

I nodded, making sure to lock my purse in the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet since I wouldn't be needing it at the diner. I knew that even though Randy's was the cheapest sit down place in town, Merle was too stingy to order more than coffee and maybe a piece of pie; especially after Daryl had to bail him out.

"What changed?" I asked quietly, standing from the desk and pushing the chair back in. I couldn't walk into that diner, ready to fend off my brothers in their last attempt to get me to go with them if I didn't know I could count on Juice.

He watched me for a moment and I saw a flicker of the ashamed man he'd been when he'd tried to hand me the paper crane he'd made just for me. "You blamed yourself. Opie told me you thought you'd done something that made me question your love." He shook his head, coming closer to me and I could see the sincerity in his eyes. "You didn't do anything. I'm not questioning your love for me. Even when you're pissed and flaming angry, I know you love me. I just felt like I was holding you back when they came into town and I didn't want that. If you wanted to leave, I couldn't look at you and tell you that you had to stay. I couldn't be another Danny."

I watched him intently for a moment. "I don't want to leave." I told him firmly.

"Then we won't talk about it anymore." He told me quietly, taking my hand in his and I relished the feeling of his strong fingers wrapped around mine.

I nodded. "Okay."

He nodded too, giving me a little smile as he squeezed my hand before gently pulling me to the door and holding it open for me.

There was a kind of calm that washed over me on the drive over to the diner and I'd appreciated the kind of strength it brought me. But the moment Juice killed the ignition, anxiety and fear flooded me, enough I felt like it could knock me over.

"I don't… I don't think I can do this." I told Juice.

He turned back to me, trying to read my face. "You want them to leave you alone right?"

I nodded just barely.

"Okay. That doesn't mean you'll never see them again. It doesn't mean goodbye forever. It means you have to live your own life and you can't do that when they're staring you down." Juice told me sternly. "I'm not telling you to do this one way or another. I'm not here for that. I'm here to cover your back, whatever choice you decide. Because I love you and care about you. And I'm never going to let anybody push you around again." He told me, gently running his thumb over my cheek.

I smiled, nuzzling into his hand. "You're too good for me, Ortiz." I told him quietly.

"Well, Dixon, you're not too bad to me either." He told me with a smile.

"Ya'll comin' in or ya gonna make out in the parkin' lot all day?"

I sighed at the sound of my barely older twin brother. When I turned to look, he had already let the door swing closed behind him and he slid into the booth next to Merle.

"C'mon." I said, taking a deep breath and letting it out before I pushed forward, pulling open the front door to the diner.

"Hi. A table or a booth?" The overenthusiastic waitress asked us.

"We're uh… here for family." I said, gesturing to Merle and Daryl.

"Okay, is there anything I can get you two to drink?" She asked sweetly.

"Two coffees please." Juice spoke up for both of us and I nodded, confirming the order.

"Ya even let him order for ya? What a good little doggy." Merle said with a snarl to his lip. Daryl glared hard at our oldest brother.

Juice let me slide in first and I figured this was a way to save us from fighting, the same way Daryl was on the outside across from us. Merle and I were the first ones in the bunch who would jump up and try to start something. Keeping us separated and less likely to injure the other was probably the best idea my twin had come up with.

"Daryl says you're leaving." I said, trying to clearly enunciate my words so they didn't slip and slur together like Merle's always did.

"Thanks." Juice said kindly as the waitress set down our coffees.

"Apparently Darylina here thinks it's best to leave you with the beaner." Merle spat the words like they were on fire in his mouth.

"He's Puerto Rican." Daryl spoke quietly, pointlessly stirring his coffee.

"Excuse me?" Merle asked.

"He's not Mexican. He's Puerto Rican. Ain't no beaner." Daryl spoke, barely louder than he had before, giving a glance and a slim nod to my beau.

Juice nodded back and I wondered if he actually understood the huge gesture Daryl had just done. He'd stood up for Juice against Merle; he'd defended him when Merle expected him to join in on the name calling.

Merle turned in his seat to look at Daryl and I glanced at Juice, trying to see if the remark even registered to him.

"Don't go defendin' him now. He's sleepin' with yer sister. Ya want little beaner babies runnin' 'round, callin' him papa?" Merle spoke with the most venom he could manage.

Daryl and I both recoiled from the sharpness of his words, and I knew we both felt cut from them. But Daryl recovered quicker than I did.

"Ain't none of my damn business who she's sleepin' with, same as it ain't yers. We ain't even here to talk 'bout it neither." Daryl said, giving Merle a firm look.

Merle looked taken back, but apparently chose not to argue about it. Although, the look on his face told everyone at the table he was clearly not happy with the arrangement.

"We're leavin'." Daryl spoke up again, directing his words to me, with a glance to Juice. "We just wanted to say it to yer face. We ain't here to cause trouble."

"Says you." Merle said with a glance out the window.

Daryl elbow Merle sharply. "Ain't here for trouble." He almost growled.

"You can come back anytime you want. All ya gotta do is call." I spoke, looking them both in the eyes.

"Yeah, and see you hangin' off that beaner's dick." Merle said with a sharp shake of the head.

Daryl worked his jaw at me, silently telling me he was going to kill our brother and bury him so we wouldn't have this problem anymore.

"And you ain't gon' say nothin'? Just sit there like a pussy ass bitch?" Merle snarled.

Juice looked at ease, despite the tension I could feel running through his arm across my shoulder. "I am literally anything your sister wants me to be. If that means occasionally being the bitch," Juice slightly inclined his head. "Then I'm the bitch."

"Yeah, bet you like it up the ass too." Merle quipped, hoping to injure Juice's ego.

I grinned and ducked my head a little, knowing the comment had absolutely no effect on the man beside me. Juice gave Merle a little smirk. "Sometimes. Why? You offerin'?"

Merle's eyes glowed with fire and he tried to stand up, but the table, bolted to the wall and floor, wouldn't let him. "Say that one more time and I'll skin you alive."

Juice wiggled his eyebrows. I knew without a doubt he was making this so much worse. But Daryl and I shared a smirk and I knew it was better than fighting.

"Maybe that'd be fun too." Juice said, raking his eyes up and down my older brother's body.

Merle thrashed, trying to get the table and Daryl to move.

I covered my mouth to stifle a giggle. "Ya'll should go before we get the cops called." I commented, glancing at how the waitress watched us with worried eyes.

Merle never took his eyes off Juice, even as Daryl slid out, roughly grabbed his arm and reached for his wallet.

"I got it. Don't worry about it." Juice said, standing and pulling a fifty from his wallet, and handing it to our waitress, despite the fact we'd only ordered four coffees for the table.

Merle could've said any rude word he'd wanted, but I think he was kind of scarred about Juice's reaction to his comment about 'taking it up the ass', which I knew for a fact Juice had never done. My oldest brother refused to say another word to me, stalking over to his motorcycle and lighting a cigarette, never even glancing at me.

It hurt a little bit, but I knew Merle. I knew he cared, because I was family, but Juice had severely wounded his ego and it wouldn't be repaired for quite some time.

Daryl glanced between Merle and me, a small sigh letting from his lips. "Ya done it now."

I nodded. "I sure know how to pick 'em." I spoke quietly, as Juice hung back to light a cigarette and let us have a moment.

Daryl reached for his pack and I took one from his extended hand. "He pick ya up?" Daryl asked, lighting a cigarette. I paused, almost not sure what he was talking about. Apparently Daryl saw my look. "Does he pick ya up and pin ya to the wall when he kisses ya?"

A slow smile broke out on my face as I shook my head at Daryl. "If he ain't strong enough to pick ya up and pin ya to the wall, you got a girlfriend." I nodded, remembering the words he'd told me in my first year of high school. "You told me that when I was worried about my weight in Freshman year."

"If the bastard ain't strong enough to pick ya up and pin ya to the wall, regardless, ya got a girlfriend." He repeated, blowing out a lungful of smoke.

"Yeah… Yeah he does." I said with a little smile.

Daryl nodded, like he approved. "Know you don't like it much… me goin' back. But he ain't got nobody else. We don't do good alone." He told me, gesturing between the two of us as the smoke dangled from the edge of his mouth.

I nodded. I knew it better than anybody. Dixons weren't meant to be alone in life, and if we didn't have family, we had to make some. "Call… or something. Write me a fuckin' letter sayin' 'I got home alive.' Just… don't forget about me."

Daryl's eyes darkened. "Couldn't forget ya, Kelsi Jo. You been my fuckin' shadow, seven minutes behind my whole life."

I nodded. "You best get your asshole of a brother on the road. He don't care much for pansy shit like this."

Daryl nodded, knowing the fact. "He'll miss ya too. Just too chicken shit to say it." He spoke, turning around and mounting his bike before making it roar to life. He and Merle took off down the road and I stood there watching them until they disappeared into the blur of traffic.

Juice's hand set on my shoulder and I looked back at him. "You're a good person." He told me.

I shrugged. "Dixon's don't survive well alone. He never woulda let Merle ride off without him, knowin' I got you."

"Well at least you got me." Juice said, wrapping his arms around my middle and hugging me from behind.


	12. Part 10 Freedom from Fear

Juice and I sat quietly, side by side on the couch. His hand was holding mine, resting on his leg. He still wore his shoes, jeans, white shirt and cut. I was still in my boots, blue jeans, and red top. He'd gone when Jax called him, telling him Clay and Chibs were at the scene, to grab Tig and get over there.

And when he'd come back to pick me up after the party, he was a changed man. I could tell, just after he stepped over the threshold. He looked at me with barren eyes and his body language told me he'd given up. The words tumbled from his lips and I could barely respond.

"What do you mean she's dead?"

I didn't remember saying the words, but I remember hearing them echo in my head. He'd just kind of shook his head, like he couldn't believe it, like he thought someone was pulling an extensive practical joke.

But it wasn't a joke, because she was dead. She'd been murdered in cold blood on her way to the grocery store.

Juice had crumbled into my arms when he'd gotten close enough. His knees shook before they gave out and he was crying in my lap as I held him close and rubbed his back. It'd taken nearly twenty minutes for the episode to pass so he could stand enough to actually walk. Then he'd drove us home and we both kind of fell onto the couch, in the exact same position we were now.

Neither of us had moved since we landed, except to hold hands. I felt like if I got disconnected from him at this point, the world would break away and nothing would be real anymore.

I couldn't think of a more deserving man of love and affection like Opie. He was a spectacular person and he helped everyone who needed it. Yeah, he'd gone to prison for the club, but I'd come to realize it was part of the territory, much like not knowing the insides of the club business; it came with the protection the club provided to you for being an old lady.

But what protection had the club provided Donna? How could they let someone get close enough to her to kill her, close enough to shoot her in the back of the head?

None.

The club hadn't protected Donna, like they always told us they would. What protection did Opie have, now being a single father? Did the club somehow help him with babysitting duty or cooking or cleaning? Did the club replace the love of a woman he'd been with since high school? I knew the club couldn't provide that to Opie and suddenly, I found him on the outside of a club he loved. Could he recover from a loss like that?

I glanced at Juice, wondering what if it had been him? What if I found him in the middle of the road somewhere, with a bullet in his head? Could I recover from his loss? Would I ever really move on from that?

"What?" Juice asked, noticing I was looking at him.

"Just… thinking." I told him, my voice cracking from not being used in the last hour or two.

"About what?" He asked quietly.

"If it had been you and I was Opie." I told him, bending down to lean my head on his shoulder.

"Don't think about that." He gently told me. He shook his head like he couldn't bear the thought to even cross his mind. "Don't think about that tonight." He told me, and gently pulled away from me to kick off his shoes. I followed suit, since we obviously weren't going anywhere else tonight.

Juice pulled me into his arms. "Just lay with me." He said, moving to lay on the couch.

I snuggled up to his chest, relishing the warm and my heart ached for Opie. He'd never feel Donna's warmth again. A tear fell from my eye, the first I'd shed since the news. A hopeless feeling crawled into my chest as I held tightly to Juice.

"Why Donna?" I couldn't keep the question in. "Why Opie? Donna was the only thing that got Opie through. How's he gonna even function now?"

Juice held me tighter. "I don't know." He whispered. "First, we've got to find out if there's a hit on Opie and they made a terrible mistake… or if it really was for Donna."

I didn't like that those were the only two options. There had to be some intense third option he hadn't thought of… right? How was this possible? Donna didn't deserve this and I couldn't for the life of me imagine why there would be a hit on Opie, even if it was club related.

"She shouldn't have died, Juice." I struggled to get the words out, my watery eyes making my throat close up.

Juice nodded. "I know. I know she shouldn't have." He told me, wrapping his legs in mine and bending down to kiss me on the head.

I cried against his shirt until I fell into a fit of restless sleep. My dreams were filled with an onslaught of gunfire. In one scene, we were back in the clubhouse with splintered wood and glass covering the floor, blood running down the walls. A man stood in front of me, shooting me over and over again, but I wasn't dying.

The scene morphed into Juice and I standing in the field by the dairy where we'd met Daryl and Merle to talk. Juice and I both had a gun in our hands I never saw either of us move, but a gunshot resounded and suddenly there was a blood spot appearing on Juice's white t-shirt. He looked stunned, looking down at his stomach before he crumpled. The gun fell out of my hand and as it hit the ground, I woke with a start.

I had fallen off the couch and was sitting on the floor, looking around the room. Juice was fast asleep on the couch, looking peaceful for the first time in a long time. I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling stiff as I quietly pushed myself off the floor. I grabbed his pack of smokes from his cut and as quietly as I could, snuck into the garage and out the man door to sit on the sidewalk while I smoked.

The dreams had been vivid and I felt like I needed something to ground me, to tell me this was the real world and I hadn't shot Juice, even though I'd seen him laying on the couch, breathing.

Cars passed, driving up and down the road, despite the early morning hour. It was probably three or four if I had to guess. I nursed the cigarette along, taking puffs just to keep it lit. I liked breathing the cherry to life and watching it slowly burn the tobacco inside the wrapper.

My phone beeped and I took it out of my pocket, confused. Who would be texting me at this hour?

Chibs.

"Ya up?" I read outload. "Yeah I am." I typed back.

It only took twenty seconds for his reply to reach my phone. _Be over in a jif._

I was confused as to why he wanted to come over so late in the evening, but I didn't argue. I always appreciated Chibs' company. Besides, sitting here alone on this sidewalk was starting to slowly let my brain sink into the abyss I tried desperately to avoid when Juice wasn't around.

I glanced to my left, hearing the motorcycle engine make a corner a ways down the street. I saw Chibs park the bike a block down, as to not disturb the sleeping Juice. I watched him walk over and he sat heavily next to me. I leaned into him, wondering how deeply he felt the loss of Donna.

He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it, holding one out to me since mine had burned out. I took the smoke he offered and the lighter before handing the lighter back.

"Ain't right." He said lowly.

I nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly. "She shouldn't have died."

"Nobody should've died. Not her, not Opie." Chibs said sternly and I knew he was upset.

I hadn't had the guts to ask Juice, but I knew I could ask Chibs. "Has this… has this… happened before?" I asked quietly. I didn't mean to imply that the club went around getting old ladies shot. That wasn't my intent with my question. My intent was more, 'was this an accident or was the bullet meant for her?'

Chibs shook his head. "Never heard of an old lady takin' a bullet fer the club. Donna hated it good and well too."

On some level, I was reassured for a second until I remembered that a woman was dead, a husband was wifeless and two children where motherless. I bit my lip, feeling like a cold hand grabbed my heart.

"Ya ain't in danger, lass. We'll protect ya." Chibs said, the same way he'd always said; the same way he said when I was freezing cold and willing to die. I'd always believed his words. Never a blimp of doubt had ever surfaced to me when he'd said those words, until that moment.

I looked over at him. They hadn't protected Donna. Nobody had been watching out for her, because she'd been on a trip to the store. She wasn't on her way to steal or murder. She'd been running an everyday errand and she'd been gunned down.

Chibs glanced at me like he knew my thought process and he disapproved. "Something's happened we're not aware of yet. A piece is missin' from the game."

I almost cringed besides him. "You… you think this is a game?" I asked, horrified, like some sicko out there thought he was playing some kind of twisted 'cops and robbers' game?

Chibs didn't answer me right away and my inner horror doubled. "We're dealin' with a fucked up man, lass. Can't make heads or tails o' it." He told me quietly, sucking on his cigarette.

Looking at Chibs was difficult. I'd never wanted to seem like I was staring at him too long, like I might be looking at his scars, since he didn't like when people stared. When he'd saved my life, he seemed like this young guy stuck in an old body. But the longer I was here, the more I saw of him, he seemed to age before my eyes. Of course, the bags under his eyes and the obvious lack of sleep he'd gotten recently probably helped nothing.

"Is Juice next? Or what about me? Are we safe?" I asked him, wondering how he was still so calm.

He nodded, giving me a pointed look. "I ain't lettin' anythin' happen to ya, lass." He told me, moving close and putting his arm around me like this was he promise to me.

I nodded. I'd trusted him since he'd rescued me and I still had no reason to doubt him. I wasn't as set in stone about the club, but I knew Chibs would keep his word on what he said.

"I best be gettin' back. Clay's been actin' odd. Don't want him to go blamin' 'imself." Chibs said, standing up and holding his hand out to me. When I took it, he pulled me to my feet and watched me. "Don't sit out here, thinkin', lass. Go inside and hold yer old man. He needs it more now than ever." Chibs said, giving me a hug before turning and walking towards his bike.

I knew he was right, so I headed for the house, gently toeing my shoes off inside the door. Juice was still asleep on the couch, but I gently laid my hand on his chest, waking him up. "Come to bed, baby." I told him quietly, knowing there was no more room for me on the couch, but not being able to consider sleep without him.

He just nodded and slowly moved to get off the couch. I led him down the hall and pulled back the sheets so he could crawl in. He shed his shirt and pants before moving between the sheets. I shucked my shirt and pants, following his lead before I laid down next to him. He pulled me tightly into him, and I could almost sense his fear.

"We'll be okay." I told him quietly, hugging him back and feeling him relax some against me.

And we both fell into a bit of fitful sleep, tangled up in each other's limbs.

* * *

Waking up the next morning was hard. I woke slowly and part of me considered how nice to was to sleep and just forget the world for a while. But then I remembered the night before, how Juice had come back to get me, crying over a dead body. I moved my arm through the sheets, but it didn't hit anything. I turned in bed to find myself alone.

I crawled out of bed and pulled on one of Juice's shirts. I glanced through the rooms as I passed them before finding him in the kitchen, standing in front of the sink, watching the willow in the front yard. He was still in boxers and the cup of coffee in his hand wasn't even steaming anymore.

"Hey." I said quietly, hoping not to startle him.

He was pulled from his daze slowly and turned to look at me like he didn't think I was real. "Hey you."

"What's wrong?" I asked, slowly crossing the room to stand in front of him.

"Oh nothing. Nothing. I just… just had a bad dream, is all." He told me, setting down the coffee cup to pull me tightly against his chest.

I hugged him back, never moving to break contact with him. I needed the comfort as much as he did. "I'm sorry you had bad dreams." I whispered against his shoulder.

"It's fine. They weren't real." He said, kissing the top of my head like he was trying to convince himself.

"Come back to bed. We don't have work for another two hours." I murmured.

He shook his head, making me pull back enough to look up at him. "I can't… I can't lie back down."

I set my hand on his cheek, wishing I could do more for him than just hold him. "Okay. Then let's sit on the porch and watch the sun come up."

He nodded, watching me with careful eyes. "I love you, Kelsi Jo Dixon."

I smiled. My full name always sounded funny in my ears, spoken with such kindness. He was the only one who had ever said my full name without venom in their voice. "I love you too, Juan Carlos Ortiz."

"Our first names really are better than our whole names." He said, verbalizing my own thoughts.

I smiled with a little nod. "Can't get much worse than Kelsi Jo Dixon."

He rolled his eyes. "Juan Carlos Ortiz? I sound like a taco platter." I couldn't help but giggle, covering my mouth to quiet the sound. His rough fingers set gently on the side of my face, pushing my hand away. "I like to hear you giggle. Don't cover it up."

"I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to. I feel like I shouldn't laugh again." I told him quietly, nuzzling my cheek into his hand.

He shook his head, watching me. "Death doesn't mean you can't ever be happy again. It just means you're sad for right now. If you wanna laugh, you go ahead and laugh."

I smiled up at him, relishing the feeling of his warmth. "How about you get a blanket, I'll get coffee and I'll meet you on the porch?"

"It's a date." He told me quietly, leaning down to kiss my forehead before moving towards the hall closet.

I moved towards the coffee pot, hearing him moving something in another room before the front door opened and closed. I stirred my coffee in the cup once more before heading to the front porch. Juice sat in the porch swing with the biggest comforter I knew he owned spread across it. I crawled under it, sitting my coffee on the side table and cuddled close to him.

"Clay called for church this afternoon." He told me.

I nodded against his shoulder. It made sense. "Are they gonna figure out who did it?"

Juice shrugged and I could feel the helplessness come off his in waves. "I hope so."

I pulled him closer to me, just wanting to appreciate his warmth and his pressure. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to just wake up and not have Juice there anymore. But that's how I thought Opie woke up this morning, if he ever even went to sleep.

* * *

The funeral was hard and so was the wake. Opie held it together for his kids, who I knew were heart broken. Donna loved them as well as any mother could, better than mine had loved me. But seeing the bikers around me participate in the loss was difficult. I'd never had to attend many funerals; none of my parents family on either side gave a shit about us, so when somebody passed away, it never fell on us to make it to the funeral.

Piney stood up and said some words at the funeral, about how Donna hadn't been his blood relations and she hadn't cared much for the club, but she was family all the same. He was Opie's and that made her blood related.

All I could think while they talked about Donna's life was that I only wanted one thing right now; freedom from fear. I was here, standing in a group of people that loved me, much in a similar way that they loved Donna and I was so scared. If Donna had been hit, was there something Opie did that set somebody off? Or was there a psycho going after old ladies?

I didn't want to blame Opie, but I knew the club didn't let the women know what the happenings were. I'd experienced it since the day Juice wanted me to be his. You didn't get the luxury of knowing everything was going to turn out. It was almost like this gray cloud over your head, making you wonder if you were really safe, or if it was just a lie you were being fed.

Donna had been going to the grocery store to get dish soap.

She hadn't been on a mission to kill the Niners. She didn't want to be affiliated with the club, even though she stood by her husband. She didn't want her kids to grow up in it the way Jax and Opie had.

Yet, she was the one in the casket that they were lowering into the ground, surrounded by leather clad bikers with solemn faces.

The false sense of freedom I'd been under since I came to meet this bikers was just that; a veil that had been cast out to make my life easier, to shield me from what could really happen to us in this life we lived on the edge of the world.

The façade was the most real thing I'd experienced since I'd been pulled from a bridge by a Scotsman and a blonde. But now I saw the harsh reality. Juice was part of a group of men doing what they thought was right, regardless of if it was or not, and that placed a target on my back, as well as his. I'd thought we were safe. I thought we were invincible. I never wanted to be this wrong.

Opie pulled his children away and they headed for the car.

I watched them leave, feeling an ache in my chest for the three of them. Freedom from fear. That was all I wanted; to stop being scared of every turn and every back lash.

Juice gripped my hand and with my heart in my throat, we moved back towards his motorcycle.


	13. Part 11 Soul Cancer

I woke slowly, gently being pulled from my dream until I realized my eyes were open and I was staring at the ceiling. It took me a moment to realize who's ceiling it was I was looking at. Juice's room. I turned my head to see his half of the bed empty and I wondered why before remembering he was in Tacoma for some club business.

I turned to look back at the ceiling, sighing gently to myself. He was only supposed to be gone for five days. Complications he couldn't talk about had sent him away for almost two weeks now. We were coming up on day 13, if I'd counted correctly the first five times. I pushed up from the bed, my body feeling heavy. I pulled my knees in close, looking towards the window. There was a motorcycle in the driveway.

Shaking my head and moving out from under the covers, I slid into a pair of yoga pants and a big hoodie over the tank top I wore for sleeping in. I pulled open the door and ran my hand over my face. Half Sack stood at the coffee pot, pouring himself a cup when he turned around.

"Oh hey. Mornin'. Sorry for the intrusion. Clay wanted me to come check on you this morning." He quickly explained.

I nodded. "Thanks. I'm fine." I told him, sliding into a chair at the breakfast nook.

He watched me for a moment and I was under the impression he didn't believe me when he took a slow sip of his coffee.

"I miss Juice." I relented, running my fingers through my hair. "I haven't slept very well for a week." Or two, I thought.

"He'll be back." Half Sack told me reassuringly.

I nodded. I knew he would. I just didn't like the feeling in my stomach.

"He called you?" He asked carefully, meaning he knew of Juice's situation, but he wasn't allowed to tell me.

I felt helpless as I shook my head. "Not since last week when he told me he'd have to stay in Tacoma longer."

Sack nodded and poured me a cup of coffee, bringing both of ours back to the table. "I'm sorry." Whether he meant for the lack of communication from Juice or not being able to tell me, I wasn't sure. But I nodded, trying to convey that it was alright, not his fault.

For the longest time, I couldn't accept the rules and restrictions the club had in place. But I'd learned it was for the best. If you wanted the protection and the shielding the club provided, it was one luxury you gave up. Knowing what was going on was strictly a club privilege that was not easily given.

"Do you know when they might be coming home?" I asked, wondering if a yes or no question was out of line. Juice had gone up to Tacoma with Happy, Bobby, Tig, and Jax, leaving the rest of us to wonder what they were actually doing.

Kip shook his head. "Clay's trying to get them home as soon as he can."

I nodded. It was a good enough answer, and probably more than he should've said. But I appreciated it. "Thanks for making coffee." I told him, sipping the brew he'd given just enough sugar to.

He nodded like it wasn't a problem. I knew Kip did his best, even though he was only a prospect. He had my respect and I knew he wouldn't hurt a fly.

"You want breakfast since you're babysitting?" I asked with a little smile.

"I'm not babysitting. Clay just wanted me to check on you." He told me straight.

I nodded. "I'll still make you breakfast for the effort." I told him, patting him on the shoulder as I pulled ingredients out of the cabinets for pancakes.

* * *

Kip only stayed for another hour, just waiting to finish breakfast and help pick up dishes before he took off, heading back to the clubhouse to report my progress with the President. I got dressed and drove my little Intrepid into work. I parked in the lot and pulled my purse out, feeling more tired than I had in a long time.

Gemma was in the office, looking for a paper at the desk when I opened the door.

"You okay?" I asked, seeing an angry expression on her face.

"Where is the last's month reconciliation?" She asked sharply. I watched her for a moment before moving to the filing cabinet and pulling it out of the drawer, holding it out to her. "You already finished it?" She snapped, taking it from my outstretched hand.

"It's October 15th. I always have the previous month reconciled by the 15th." I told her quietly, wondering where her anger stemmed from.

She took the folder and stood in a huff, shouldering past me.

I stood there for a moment, watching her walk across the parking lot and get in her Cadillac to leave. I pulled open the door to the shop and made sure she'd pulled out of the lot before walking over to Opie. I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling insecure in the situation. "Hey Opie. Do you know what's up with Gemma?" I asked him.

He shook his head. "She's on a rampage today. Anybody in sight is gettin' it. Clay don't even know what's got her on fire."

"Awesome." I mumbled, turning on my heels to head back to the office.

* * *

It was almost six in the evening when my cell phone rang. It was a burner number, but not one I recognized. "Hello?"

"Hey baby." Juice's voice said from the other side, soothing me.

"Juicy." I said, almost sighing his name. "How are you?"

"Good, I'm good." I could almost hear the smile in his words. "I'm sorry I haven't been able to call."

"Don't worry about it. I know the drill." I told him quietly. "I'm just glad you're safe."

"I got a little banged up. We had a little tiff with the Tacoma charter. Clay says I can tell you all about it when we get home, I just gotta get there." He told me.

"Okay, that's fine. How far out are you?" I asked him.

"I should be there before you lay that pretty head on my pillow." He told me and I could picture him grinning.

I nodded to myself in the empty office. "Good. I miss you." I told him sincerely.

"I miss you too." He spoke.

"I'll let you go. Thanks for letting me know you're alright." I told him.

"Bye babe. I love you." And he hung up.

I set the phone on the desk, feeling a weight lift off my chest. Juice was fine and on his way home. I could hardly ask for more.

Another hour passed as I worked on updating all our spreadsheets on the computer. I looked up when I heard a car speed into the lot, slam on the brakes and park. I looked out the window to see Gemma get out of her still running car to walk across the parking lot towards the office. The only thing that crossed my mind was how bad this was going to be.

"You lying little bitch." Gemma said, bursting into the office. I paused, not sure what she was meaning. I just stood there, watching her. "You've been skimmin' off the books." She yelled, throwing the last six months of reconciliation on the desk, making other papers move around because of the sudden intrusion.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "No, I haven't."

"Really? This $500 charge at the Sporting Goods Warehouse?" She asked, cocking a hip at me.

I slowly walked over to her, picking her concealed carry purse off her arm a little. "Clay bought it for you for your birthday, but you got the credit card statement before your party." I said, trying to remind her.

"How about this $2,000 charge at World Office Supplies?" She asked, holding strong.

I stepped back and hit the office chair so it would spin around two or three times. "The old one gave you a backache."

"Listen here, you little bitch. I'm onto you." She growled, coming forth with a finger forward.

"What'd I do?" I asked, wondering where this venom was coming from. Gemma was never anything but nice and helpful.

"What'd you do?" She scoffed, like she couldn't stand the question. "You're tearing this club apart and you don't even notice. My old man hasn't slept in two weeks because your old man won't leave him alone about telling you when and where they are every time they goddamn turn around."

I blinked at her. "I haven't heard from Juice since he told me they were staying longer." I informed her.

"Oh, but you got him wrapped around your little finger. He's following Jax around like a goddamn puppy, asking if it's alright to call you. They almost died because of your piece of shit old man." Gemma spouted.

"They what?" I gasped, looking at her.

"Almost fuckin' died." She said again, slower like I was stupid. "Juice was checking his goddamn cell phone with your fuckin' picture on it when they got fucking jumped. Happy almost didn't make it out alive."

I shook my head. "I didn't… I didn't know…" I murmured.

"You didn't know, you didn't know." Gemma mocked me. "There's this old saying, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."

"What are you trying to tell me, Gemma?" I asked her.

"You're not doin' this club any favors hangin' around like this. We took you in, we cared for you, it's time for you to go find your stupid, asshole brothers and be assholes together."

Her words were sharp and I felt like she'd socked me. "You… want me to leave?" I asked quietly.

"I don't care where the hell you go, but I don't want to see your sorry face again." She told me, stomping out of the office and back across the lot to her car, where she sped off.

"You alright?" A voice asked. I turned to see Chibs in the doorway of the office. I could tell by his tone he'd only heard Gemma yell, not what she was yelling. I'd heard him speak, but Gemma's words rang in my eyes like a bell, making it difficult for me to respond.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay. I need a shot. Long day." I told him, moving past him and heading for the clubhouse.

No one else showed me any of the negativity that Gemma had shown me only moments ago, treating me the same way all the guys had normally treated me. Chibs played bartender and poured me a shot.

"Anythin' you wanna talk about, lass?" Chibs asked.

I shook my head. "No, just a long day. I miss Juice." I told him, knowing he'd easily believe me. But Gemma's words sat heavily in my stomach like frozen water on a hot day.

Chibs nodded. "A might odd without him bein' around."

I agreed, giving my shot a toss. "Thanks, Chibs." I told him and something clicked in the back of my mind. "For everything."

The look in his eyes changed and he watched me. "S'that for, love?"

I shrugged, realizing the decision I now had in my hands. "I just want to make sure you know how much I appreciate you. I realize the bad days could always be worse. I could be standing on a bridge." I said with a half-hearted laugh that sounded strangled coming out of my mouth.

Chibs set his hand on mine. "But ya ain't."

I shook my head. "I ain't." I said with my own little twang I hadn't been able to get rid of since the guys showed up.

"Go get ya some sleep, love. Boy'll be home soon." The Scot told me.

I nodded, pushing away from the bar and heading for my car. The guys would lock everything up later in the evening so I didn't have to worry about it. The drive home seemed long though. It was barely a ten minute drive, but it felt like it lasted an hour.

For all the time I'd been living in Charming, I had few things to my name. A backpack and little more clothes than I'd showed up here with. I stood in the living room, just taking in the house. Juice and I had some good memories in this house. But that's all they were now; memories. I'd decided to leave before he got back. I knew he'd try to stop me and I didn't want to have to sneak out in the middle of the night.

I hiked my backpack on my shoulder and double checked that the note I left on the table was clearly visible. I nodded to myself, seeing it was. I gave the place one more glance before pulling out my cell phone and dialing the digits I couldn't make myself forget. It only rang twice before the phone picked up on the other side.

"Kelsi Jo? That you?" Daryl's gruff voice asked.

"Hey Daryl." I said quietly, wondering if he could even hear me on the other end. "I decided to come home, if you'll be able to put up with me."

The silence on the other end made my heart speed up and I wondered if I'd made another wrong decision. "You don't even gotta ask, Kelsi Jo. We always got room for ya here." He'd been drinking already this evening, but his words were sincere.

I willed my eyes not to well up as I nodded. "Thanks Daryl. I'll see ya in a couple days, aight?"

"He hurt ya?" His words came quietly, but they were urgent.

"Nah, nah he didn't." I told him honestly. "I just overstayed my welcome here. Love ain't real, ya know."

He as quiet for a long moment, making me think he'd hung up. "You come on home when you're ready. That front door ain't been locked since ya left." He told me.

I nodded again to myself. "Thank you." I told him, letting one single tear fall. "I'll call you when I'm a day out." And with that, I hung the phone up.

Pulling open the kitchen door and stepping outside was one of the hardest things I'd done in a long time. I couldn't let myself look at the house again. I could feel my insides ripping apart and I couldn't make it worse. I'd left two notes inside the envelope on the counter; one addressed to Juice, telling him how sorry I was and the other addressed to both Chibs and Jax, thanking them for saving me, for making me a better person.

I knew in my bones Gemma was right. I'd overstayed my time and I was starting to make Juice choose between the club and me, especially if he'd almost gotten a brother hurt over me. If I left, that problem would fix itself after a while.

So I took a deep breath and let it out before turning on the car and backing out of the driveway.

* * *

"Kelsi, I'm home." Juice called, closing the front door and kicking off his boots. He let his duffle hit the floor with a thud as he stripped off his cut and tossed it over the couch. He scanned the kitchen and living room, not finding her. "Kelsi?" He called again, ducking into the dining room, the spare bedroom that had belonged to her when she'd first gotten here, the bathroom and their shared bedroom.

No signs of her.

And if he thought about it for a moment, her car wasn't in the driveway like it was normally.

Panic started to ease its way into his chest. "Kelsi!" He called louder, going back through each room. He stopped in the kitchen at the breakfast nook, seeing an envelope with his name on it. His heart fell through his stomach as he slowly approached it and picked it up. With gentle fingers, he pulled out two pieces of paper; one with his name on it and one with both Jax and Chibs' names.

He laid down the one that didn't have his name and slowly unfolded the other one. "Dear Juice," He read quietly to himself. "Today was hard and I'm sure it's going to get harder for you when you get through with this letter, but I'm sorry." He said and his breath left him in a whoosh. He sat hard on the chair closest to him and covered his face, wondering if he was strong enough to read the rest of the letter.

"I realized I've overstayed the welcome I was given when you took me in. If I'd known, I'd have left sooner. I'm sorry for making you choose between the club and me. Your family is more important and I realized mine is too. I love you forever and I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me one day. And if the only thing you ever do for me after this is get the other letter to Chibs and Jax, I'd be forever in your debt. I love you, Juice.

Kelsi Jo." He mumbled to himself. His eyes scanned the words ten more times before the words seemed to cling to his brain.

She'd left him.

"Kelsi!" He shouted, standing up so fast, the chair knocked over. He frantically searched the house twice more, even digging in closets. He stopped when he heard footsteps in the kitchen. "Kelsi." He said with relief, standing up to meet her.

But it wasn't her. It was Jax and Chibs, looking confused. "Ya didn't check in after ya got home." Chibs spoke.

Juice felt like falling apart. He slowly righted the chair he'd knocked over and fell into it, leaning over and grabbing the back of his neck with his hands. "She left." He said quietly.

"What? What do you mean she left?" Jax said, sounding worried.

Juice wordlessly reached for the letter he'd be able to recite after reading only once, holding it out to them. Chibs took it, as he was closest and read it out loud to Jax. Jax then reached for the other letter with his name on it.

"Dear Chibs and Jax, I'm sorry this letter had to come right after you came back from Tacoma, but I knew I had to leave before Juice got back. I love him dearly, but he wouldn't have let me leave if he'd been home. An outside member of the club informed me of the damage I was causing to the club, damage I wasn't aware I was inflicting." Jax read.

"That's bullshit." Chibs said loudly.

"I hate leaving Juice, but the club is his family and I'm just a girl. He'll find another one in a couple months and I hope she does as well as I thought I did. I owe you my life in the most sincere terms and that's a debt I could never repay. If you could do me this one last favor and watch after Juice. He'll be a wreck with me gone for a little while until he gets his footing again. Don't let him be stupid and guide him the same way you were before I messed everything up.

Forgive me my sins and trespass us.

Love Kelsi Jo." Jax finished, running his hand over his mouth as he looked at the paper.

"She's gone." Juice said in a low whisper, tears welling in his eyes.

"Now son. She's not gone forever. We'll find her and bring her back, alright?" Chibs told him sternly.

Juice nodded, although he could feel the connection sever. She wouldn't be found if she didn't want to be found. He knew she could disappear and leave no trace. She'd grown up in the backwoods and she was stronger than any girl he'd ever met. If she didn't want to be found, she was already gone.

"Don't look like that, Juice. We'll find her." Jax told him, just as firmly.

Juice stood up, not wanting to hear the promises he knew they couldn't keep. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey off the top of the fridge and pulled the top off, tossing the lid across the living room and taking a long pull as he walked down the hallway, closing the door to his bedroom.


	14. Part 12 White Trash River

I figured I'd have to stop and ask directions at least once after I crossed the state lines into Georgia, but I didn't. I drove on auto pilot the whole way. I was surprised when I glanced at the clock to see eight hours had passed since I'd looked at it last. I'd been zoning out for the last forty-eight hours.

Well, it was closer to forty-nine. I'd barely slept since I left Charming. The drive was longer than I remembered, but I'd also stopped and stayed for a week here or two weeks there on my way to California almost ten years before. So making the whole trip in one sitting was killing me. I just wanted to get out of the car and do some jumping jacks.

It was odd, how things along the way had changed, but they also didn't. The old Shoe Barn that we'd buy our thrift shoes from was now a liquor store. The old wine place that would sell to underage kids was now a book store. I'd thought the neighborhood would've changed, new buildings would've gone up, confusing me of the landmarks.

But they hadn't. It looked the same as it did when I was a kid. I started to turn down Birch where our old house had been, but I remembered seeing the pile of ash and burnt wood after the house had burned to the ground and continued down Rockwell Drive until it made a sharp right, leading to the houses out in the boonies, the ones with more than one acre of property.

Our house sat right next to Farmer Johnson's, who hated us moving around his property. He generally hated kids as a whole, but us in particular; mostly because Daryl and I thought it was fun stripping the bark off the trees on his back twenty. Our house sat on twenty-five acres, and his house sat on almost eighty acres, but I could see his front porch from ours.

Pulling into the driveway was like jumping through a time warp. I glanced at the steering wheel to see if I was driving the Intrepid, or the '67 Chevy pickup that had been mine and Daryl's first vehicle, a hand-me down from Merle once he got something else.

I parked the car and slowly climbed out. Merle sat in a rockin' chair on the porch, the old yellow bulb casting him in an eerie light; not that the man needed any help looking like a devil. Daryl stood, leaning against the support beam. Both of them watched me as I pulled my backpack from the back seat, and threw all my worldly possessions over my shoulder.

Approaching the porch was difficult for me. I didn't want to hear how I was a fuck up, or how I'd disappointed them. I didn't want to hear any 'I told ya so's. So I hung my head and stopped when I was spitting distance away, waiting for one of the older men to say something.

"Nice drive, little sister?" Merle's harsh voice called to me.

I shrugged. "Didn't care for it much the first time; didn't care much this time around." I told him, still keeping my eyes diverted.

"Where's the rest of yer stuff?" Daryl asked.

"I uh… I only took what I needed. He didn't need me robbin' him blind too." I mumbled.

"Shoulda. Fuckin' wet back probably deserved it." Merle said with a chuckle.

I took a step away from the porch, involuntarily. His words stung me and now, even though I was already hiding my face, I had to fight back tears for the words spoken against the only man I'd ever loved. I turned away from them, facing the car as I took a deep breath. If Merle saw me cry, I was done for. I might as well just head back to California to burn at the stake.

One of them jumped down from the porch, coming up behind me. Normally, I would've panicked. But I knew neither of them had bad intentions, so I stayed where I was.

"He hurt ya?" Daryl's gruff voice asked me quietly.

I shook my head, putting my hand up to cover my face. "Nah, nah he didn't hurt me." I told him.

"Then why ya cryin'?" His words came gently.

"I loved him, ya know. I just… I just don't want to hear him talk about Juice like that." I whispered, knowing Merle didn't give a damn one way or another.

"Why'd ya leave?" Daryl asked.

"The club is his only family. I was making him choose between them or me. I couldn't make him do that, so I left. He needed them more than me anyway." I told him, scrubbing a hand over my face.

Daryl's arms wrapped around me from behind and he held me tightly for a moment. "Made yer bed."

"Because he's a bitch ass boy that takes it up the ass." Merle called loudly.

I ignored Merle, the same way I had easily done since I was old enough to talk. "Thanks Daryl." I said, readjusting how the backpack sat on my shoulder once he let go of me. "I'm just gonna go to bed. Ain't been sleepin' well." I told him, heading for the porch. Merle just grinned as I walked past him, into the house. I didn't look at the couch or the TV that hadn't moved in ten years. I didn't look at dad's favorite recliner; the one that was his throne on game nights. I didn't look at the kitchen to see how disgusting the boys had let it get.

Mine and Daryl's room hadn't changed a whole lot either. I'd hung a bunch of posters with thumb tacks the year the record store went in on Main Street in town; they'd all been long removed, but you could see the color difference in the paint even now. The furniture had been moved around, but it was all the same stuff. I sat heavily on the bed, knowing this wasn't where I wanted to be.

I'd rather be back in Charming, on the back of a motorcycle, or at the clubhouse while their traditional Friday night parties went on. But I wasn't. I had to be here, because that was what was best right now. I made a quick decision to only be here as long as I needed. I knew living with Merle would drive me to drink as much as he did. So I'd work on getting a job tomorrow and a place to rent after my first paycheck.

The phone Juice had bought me was in the front pocket of my jeans, suddenly burning a hole through me. I pulled it out, having left it on silent the whole drive, so I wouldn't be tempted to look at it. I'd disabled the GPS when I'd turned it to quiet so he couldn't track me, although I was sure it wasn't hard to find Dixons in Georgia through the phonebook.

I had ten missed calls and twenty-three text messages. Most of them were from Juice, a few from Chibs, a few from Jax, and one from Happy. I didn't want to read the ones from Jax, Chibs or Juice, because I knew they'd say how stupid I was and to tell me to come back home. So I decided I should at the very least read the one from Happy.

"Gemma was wrong. I'm fine. Come home." I read quietly to myself.

Without another thought, I hit the call button and put the phone up to my ear. I knew the guys would be on the porch for another couple hours, so I was free to talk to whoever I wanted without the fear of being overheard. The guys never crowded when they knew they weren't supposed to.

"Where the fuck are you?" Happy's voice greeted me.

"The fuck am I? The fuck are you? I heard you almost died." I told him, glaring at the wall.

Happy sighed loudly. "I didn't almost fucking die. I'm gonna kill people though."

"So ya wanna elaborate, or ya gonna make me guess?" I asked.

"Tig almost died, but he was faking being a snitch, so that comes with the territory." Happy said.

"I'mma need more than that, Lowman." I sighed, leaning down and rubbing my forehead.

"Clay thought Tacoma was dirty, so he sent us up there like we came on our own, hoping to get in on their business. Tig played the snitch, pretending to run to Clay to tell him what was going on. We got shot at, they got shot at, some of them are dead and we came home." Happy wrapped it up.

I shook my head, feeling my head pulse. "Gemma told me that Juice was checking his phone for anything from me and not keepin' watch when somebody started shooting and you almost died."

"That's not even what happened." He said, sounding confused as to how this new story even appeared.

"Considering you were there, I'll take your word." I told him.

"So come back." He spoke again.

I shook my head, wondering if there was ever a way to communicate the small gesture over the phone. "I can't, Happy."

"Bullshit." He said.

I ran my hand over my face. "Gemma obviously wanted me gone for good. She came into the office while I was updating spreadsheets and told me I'd been stealing from TM. She tried to pin expensive charges on me, which I explained where they went and she blew up, telling me I was tearing the club apart. Talk like that don't get pulled outta somebody's ass without a damn good reason."

Happy was quiet for a moment and I could hear something rustling around in the background. "She said you yelled at her and threw a wrench at her car before speeding off."

"I'm gonna kill this bitch." I said without thinking about it, then my body froze up. Gemma was the Queen of the club. She had almost as much pull as Clay. Insulting her in front of a member was the same as disrespecting Clay.

Happy just burst into laughter. "I'd pay to see that."

"Oh, don't let me fool ya. I could take Momma Bitch any day of the week." I told him sternly. I remembered the feeble me, who wouldn't have ever said anything bad, in hopes to not get hurt. But I was stronger now. I knew what it was like to be weak and I couldn't let myself be that again.

Happy only chuckled. "I know ya could."

I smiled a little. For all his front, pretending he was pissed about the existence of everything, makin' all mean; he was a big softy, and one of the best people in the club. "I'm sorry ya got shot at. Ain't no fun." I told him, remembering when the club got shot to pieces.

"Eh. Ain't the first. Ain't the last." He told me.

I nodded. "How's Juice holding up?" I asked quietly.

"Come see for yourself." He told me.

"Happy…" I trailed off.

He sighed. "Yeah, I know. Queen Bitch pissed ya off. He's fine. Drinkin' more, I guess. Chibs and Jax have been keepin' a close eye on him, though, not lettin' him get too bad. Clay's starting to worry though."

"Hey. Don't… don't tell nobody." I murmured.

" 'Bout Gemma?" He asked.

"Yeah. Just let her do her own thing. I don't wanna be startin' shit after I'm already out of there. So just let her do her own thing." I told him, feeling too tired for this conversation.

He was quiet for a moment. "If I catch her slip up, I'll point it out. But ain't gonna start nothin'."

I nodded. That was good enough for me. "I'm gonna disconnect this number, so I don't get no more texts from Juice. Just watch after him and help him get back on his feet. He'll be okay." I knew I was saying the words for myself, not for the man I'd left behind.

"I'll watch after him, but it ain't me he needs." He told me and the line disconnect sound clicked before I pulled the phone away and saw the counter flash, telling me the call ended.

In a sudden fit of rage, I threw the phone at the wall, shattering it into a million pieces. I heard footsteps and then saw Daryl, silently asking me what was wrong. He saw the phone on the ground and looked back at me. I toed off my boots and crawled into bed, still in my jeans, knowing he wouldn't ask anything else of me. I heard the soft click of the door closing and I closed my eyes tightly, hoping to keep my tears in.

* * *

Sleep came and went for me that night. I slept about as well as I had in the car, which wasn't as well as I wanted to. False light broke over the hills in the distance and I sighed, moving to get out of bed. I ran through the shower, putting on clean clothes and pulling my hair back out of my face. I walked through the house quietly, as to not alert the other members that I was awake.

The sink was full of dirty dishes, the trash was overflowing and the living room was stacked with trash and dirty clothes. So I set to work. With nothing better to do, I put a load of dishes in the washer while I hand washed and set the others on a towel on the counter to dry. Three bags full of trash were taken out to the can by the end of the porch that one of the guys would drive to the end of the driveway on Wednesday when the trash truck made its rounds. I started a load of laundry before I'd got to the dishes, so I changed that. I realized I hadn't made coffee yet, so I moved to work on the pot, adding coffee grounds and water before hitting the button.

I was surprised all the appliances worked. I expected the dishwasher to be broken, or the washing machine to not work. But they all did. I smiled a little. The main rooms of the house were starting to look good. There wasn't petrified pizza in a box on the couch, there wasn't beer cans everywhere, there wasn't underwear and socks hanging from places they shouldn't have been.

A hand touched my shoulder and I jumped, moving quickly away from the person it belonged to. Daryl watched me quietly for a moment. "Didn't know you got skittish."

I tucked my hair behind my ears and ducked my head. "That happens when people hurt you." I told him, heading for the coffee pot. I poured him a cup, leaving it black, just the way he liked it. I poured myself a cup and added a spoon of sugar to just take the edge off the bitter taste.

"He really messed ya up."

I looked over at him, not knowing if it was a question or a statement, but when his eyes caught mine, I knew it was a statement. He was telling me. I nodded a little. "Guess so." I commented.

"Queens never did that." Daryl murmured.

I looked over at him, confused as to what he was talking about, Queens. But I remembered Juice was from Queens. It was apparently the nickname my brother had given my most recent lover. "Nah. Nah he didn't." I agreed.

"So why ya here?" He asked quietly, like he was exhausted. I hadn't heard Daryl put as much into a set of words in as long as I could remember. Like he was exhausted and although he seemed glad to see him, he seemed drained from the situation, like he'd spent a long time thinking about it.

I shrugged, leaning on the counter, crossing my arms over my chest. "I needed a place to stay."

"Don't fuckin' avoid me. Why ya here?" He asked again.

I bit my lip, ducking my head. "Jax's mom, Gemma, came to me three days ago. She was pissed about the bookkeeping for some reason." I shrugged. "She tried to blame her expensive stuff on me and I showed her where it was. So since that didn't work, she told me I was tearing the MC apart; making Juice pick me over his family."

Daryl tilted his head like I was speaking alien.

I nodded. "Even told me one of his brothers almost died, waitin' on my call. Guy called me last night and told me she's lyin' out of her ass. He never got shot and Juice wasn't the reason they got shot at."

"So get yar ass back to Cali. Beat a bitch's ass." Daryl said, gesturing away from his body.

"Ain't that easy. I already broke it to Juice, broke his heart and maybe his head. I can't just ride back into town, guns blazin' sayin' 'I'm here to kill Queen MC Bitch.' Ain't work like that." I told him with the same gesture.

He shook his head. "Kelsi Jo I knew wouldn't let some biker bitch step on her."

"The Kelsi Jo you knew is dead." I growled at him, grabbing my purse and makin' for the door.

"Where ya think yar goin'?" Daryl said, running out to the porch.

"Inta town." I called, making sure to speed out of the driveway so I flung gravel at the porch.


	15. Part 13 Starting the Abyss

I'd finally found an apartment to rent. Two weeks in that shithole of a house with both my brothers; it was enough to make a person wanna kill. With Merle leavin' his trash anywhere he pleased and Daryl never arguin' or fightin' him on nothing, it was starting to drag on me. But I'd found an apartment to rent the same day I'd found a job.

There was a loft for rent above the small diner in town. Danny's Diner had opened when I was seven and was right about twenty miles away from the boys; close enough we could talk and I could see them, but I wasn't close enough they'd stop by when they weren't invited, which Merle fancied doing when he had too much to drink.

The job I got was actually waitressing for the diner. The décor was definitely 40s and 50s styled. There was a lot of old signs, telling how at one point, a hot dog was 7 cents and a beer was 10 cents. I wanted those kinds of days back.

"Kelsi Jo, table ten needs drinks." Rob, the manager and head cook, called to me.

I shook my head at him. He liked to micro manage. So I walked over with my best smile. "I'm so sorry 'bout that. Didn't know nobody got ya drinks. What can I get ya?" I asked.

"Can we have two plain vanilla milkshakes and one chocolate milkshake with oreos?" The lady asked me.

"Absolutely. It'll be just a few minutes and I'll have 'em right out." I told her with a smile, which I dropped as soon as I got behind the counter where the machine for the milkshakes were.

Waitressing definitely wasn't the worst job I'd ever had, but it took its toll. I'd only been doin' it for two weeks now and it was already kickin' my butt, even though I knew I wasn't a bad waitress by any means.

I grabbed a tray and balanced their milkshakes, heading back to the table. "Ya'll ready to order, or ya gonna need a few?" I asked. I really hated how moving back had made my words slur together and my twang more pronounced. An hour of bein' around Merle and listening to him talk, all those years of suppressing it were out the window.

The teenage son grinned. "Can you say ya'll again?" He was obviously from some part of the eastern states.

I turned to the woman, the mom, who was looking at the menu; obviously she hadn't heard the rude words from her son's mouth. "I'll have the jalapeno burger, light on the lettuce, heavy on tomato, without the jalapenos."

I paused. "Ma'am, if you'll read at the bottom of the menu, the only substitutions we do are for bread and sides."

She looked at me like I had a third head. "What?"

"Bread and sides." I explained again, feeling like my temper was heating up a bit. "But I can get you a regular cheese burger."

"What kind of place doesn't substitute?" She asked harshly.

"I don't make the rules, ma'am." I spoke.

"Then I guess we'll just go down the street then." She told me, standing up from the chair.

"Good riddance." I mumbled as I turned around.

"What'd you say?" She called.

"Did I stutter?" I asked, turning back to her.

She must've seen the look in my eyes, because she gathered her stupid kid and oblivious husband and left through the front door, not even bothering to pay for their milkshakes.

"Rough day, lass?"

I paused, my heart feeling like it stopped. It... couldn't be… could it? But there was no way I could forget that voice. Of anyone's face and anyone's voice, his I would remember until my name was carved in stone. I turned around, so slowly I wasn't sure I'd moved until I was facing him.

Two leather clad men sat at the breakfast bar, looking like they'd come here every day for the last two weeks. Chibs and Happy didn't look at all out of place in the diner and I wondered why I thought that.

"Chibs." His name left my mouth on the last breath from my lungs, rushing out like it was a race.

"Kelsi." He said affectionately. I always loved the way he said my name.

"Oh my god. Is Juice okay? What happened?" I asked, rushing over to him.

"He's fine, lass. We just came to say hello and check on ya." Chibs told me with a smile, making his cheeks crinkle.

"How… how did you find me?" I asked, looking between the two of you.

"Juice had your brother's address pinned down the day after you left. He even found it with the worst hangover I've ever seen from the kid." Happy spoke.

I bit my lip, coming back around the counter and glancing at Rob, who was watching me carefully. "Can I get you guys anythin'?"

"Hear ya got decent shakes, lass." Chibs spoke, picking up a menu to look busy; although I knew he wasn't actually reading it.

"Chocolate, vanilla, butter pecan, caramel swirl, or oreo." I told them.

"Oreo!" Happy spoke quickly, an excited air to his voice, making me giggle.

"Caramel swirl, lass, if ya'd be so kind." Chibs said, putting the menu back down on the bar.

I nodded, turning around to the milkshake machine. "So what really brings you out here? Come to drag me home?" I asked.

Chibs shook his head firmly. "Yer gonna do what yer gonna do, lass. We just came to see yer alright."

I stopped the machine and looked over at him, remembering his soothing words as he pulled me off a bridge what seemed like five years years ago. I remembered how I was so scared and I just wanted to end it, but he wanted me to keep fighting. He wanted me to have better. I wondered now if I had better, or if I'd taken a step back. I turned the machine back on and mixed up Happy's first, since he'd seemed so excited before going to work on Chibs'.

"I'm not happy here." I spoke quietly to them as I handed Chibs his. "But it ain't no difference. I'm supposed to be here, I guess, ain't no changin'."

Chibs gave me a hard look I could barely take. "Ya don't believe that lass." He told me, spooning the ice cream mixture into his mouth.

I was going to speak up when I saw Happy's look; nearly the same as Chibs'. I sighed. "Did he tell you what happened?" I asked Chibs.

He nodded. "Aye, he did."

"So how can ya even ask me to come back? Gemma is gonna roast me alive. And I already broke Juice's heart. I can't just come ridin' back in, guns a blazin', sayin' 'hey darlin' I really do love ya. But the Queen bitch of the MC wants me dead.' " I said in a huff. I remembered the panic I felt on the phone with Happy. I knew the MC didn't take well to other people cussin' out the leaders of the group.

Chibs watched me for a long moment. "Juice ain't doin' well without ya, love."

"You… ya said he was fine." I said, feeling fear fill my chest cavity.

Chibs nodded. "He ain't in the hospital, I suppose that's fine. But he's been drinkin'… Been… bringin' home women…" Chibs cringed at the words as they left his mouth.

"I don't care." I said plainly. "He's free to do as he likes." Even though it made my stomach churn, thinking of him sleeping with another woman; let alone several others.

"He misses ya." Chibs told me.

"Kelsi Jo! You better be waitressin' and not runnin' yar mouth." Rob called from the kitchen and I involuntarily cringed at his words.

Chibs stood up off his stool, taking a step towards the kitchen. I quickly shook my head, grabbing his arm. "Hey, it's okay. It's okay." I told him, hoping to calm him down.

"Pulled ya off a bridge 'cause a man talked like that to ya." He told me sternly.

I ducked my head, nodding. I remembered all too well, every single night. "I know. It was the only job I could find to get out of the house. Just… go to your hotel and text me the address. I'll come see ya tonight before ya leave, okay?" I begged, more than asked.

Chibs gave another glance at the kitchen before nodding, leaving his half eaten milkshake on the counter.

"I'll hang around if it's alright." Happy spoke, eating his oreo bits and ice cream.

"Long as ya order somethin' every once in a while and ya ain't causin' no trouble." I told him sternly.

He nodded, dipping his spoon back into the ice cream as I grabbed menus for the four top that just came in.

* * *

Rob wouldn't let me close with Happy still in the diner, so I grabbed my purse and he walked me out to his motorcycle, where he drove us back to the motel he'd got with Chibs. When Happy opened the door, Chibs was sitting on one of the twin beds.

"Ya alright?" I asked him carefully.

He nodded, a cigarette between his lips. "Just worried 'bout ya."

I nodded, sitting next to him on the bed. I was quiet for a long time, trying to decide what to say or do. "I don't know that I made the right choice, but I knew there was a reason Gemma wanted me gone and I didn't want to stick around to see her try to tear me down in front of Juice."

Happy pulled out a chair from the desk and turned it around, straddling it to face Chibs and I. "You could've tried to talk to her."

Chibs and I both looked up at him. "Talk… with Gemma?" I asked slowly.

He grinned, like he found his joke humorous.

Chibs shook his head, looking at the window across from him, thinking. "I didn't know she was after ya, lass. I woulda said somethin'."

I nodded, setting my hand on his arm. "I'm not blamin' ya. Neither of ya." I said, making sure to look at Happy too. "She just… she cut me deep when she spoke." I murmured. "And talk like that don't come outta yer ass for nothin'."

Chibs nodded. "We best look into it, then." He said, glancing at Happy.

Happy nodded. "We'll figure it out."

"Ya goin' home, lass?" Chibs asked without any inflection to his voice. He wasn't pushing me out, just curious as to my plans for the rest of the evening.

I didn't want to tell him, but being alone in the apartment was difficult for me. I'd always had somebody by my side, and now, being alone for longer than I ever had before, was draining. I dreaded going home; just because I knew there wasn't anybody else there. Being with the guys was okay, but I'd forever rather be alone than trying to put up with Merle.

Another moment of deep thinking reminded me that I hadn't answered Chibs. I looked over at him and I wondered if he could see in my face how helpless I felt in my bones.

"I'm no Juicy boy, but I'd snuggle right up to ya." Chibs said, with a grin and wink, letting me know he was joking.

Happy smirked, shaking his head.

I nodded, not entirely sure what to say to the offer. "I've never been alone before, ya know?" I asked, looking up at the gray haired man who had saved my life. "Even when I had been traveling away from Georgia, there was always a guy, or a friend around." I shrugged, feeling lost.

Chibs threw his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into a tight one-armed hug. "Ya can stay the night if ya wish, lass. I've never made ya do a thing you don't want, no sense in starting now."

I nodded, hugging him tightly around the middle. Chibs was comfortable, safe. He smelled like grease and cigarettes and leather and he felt like home. My eyes welled up with tears and I nodded against his cut. Part of me heard Merle's voice in my head, telling me I was a pussy for cryin', especially in front of family. The other part of my head just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

Chibs moved to stub out his cigarette and I let go of him, considering the trek home before both his arms wrapped strongly around me, pulling me close to him. "S'alright to cry, lass. Lord knows ya earned it." He told me quietly. "You're a strong woman, Kelsi Jo. And braver than most men I've met. You go ahead and cry if ya wish. I'm not leavin' ya anytime soon."

And with those words of comfort floating around my brain, I fell apart, broken into his warm embrace.

* * *

I sat up in bed, covered in sweat and a heavy wool blanket the hotel had provided. Chibs sat next to me, looking concerned. The nightmare I'd woken from moments ago still replayed in broken film clips in my head and I wiped my forehead. Something about Juice and somebody trying to kill me, but wanting to do it slow…

Chibs reached around me, pulling me sideways into him. Happy groaned and rolled over in the next bed. "Ya have many nightmares, lass?"

I nodded. Every night. I had one every single night since I'd left Charming. I'd taken sleeping pills, I'd drank until I couldn't see, I'd tried tea and coffee before bed. I'd even gotten some weed from a guy I'd known in high school who still hung around. Nothing worked. I'd hoped sleeping next to another warm body would mellow my bad dreams out. Apparently it hadn't.

Chibs gave me a worried look. "Juice never said ya had nightmares."

I scrubbed my hand over my face, trying to remember if the blood was in the dream or if it'd really covered me. Inspection of my hands found it'd been part of the dream; thank God. "I had nightmares of Danny before we got together. But the longer I was with him, the less and less bad dreams I had. Before I left Juice, I hadn't had nightmares in months. I didn't even wake up in the middle of the night."

Chibs watched me carefully and I wanted to know what he was thinking.

"Ya think it's a sign?" I asked quietly, like speaking the words any louder would break something apart.

Chibs nodded. I knew Chibs had been Catholic a long time ago and still liked to follow their guidelines, I knew he wasn't nearly religious as he was spiritual. He believed strongly in fate; what was meant to be will always find a way.

"I can't just go back though." I reasoned.

He nodded. "Especially if Gemma has it out for ya. It'll only make things worse." He agreed.

So that was it. I was stuck here, all alone. As much as I wanted them to stay, Happy and Chibs had come to check up on me. Now that they saw me alive and well, for the most part, I knew they'd be off again today or tomorrow. Clay had probably approved their travels and even if they'd lied, coming up with another reason to be gone a couple days, Clay wouldn't have approved them for a two week vacation.

I threw the covers off me, my jeans feeling heavy on my legs as I scrubbed my hands over my face again. I was left with this hole in my chest. I gathered up my things and slid on my shoes, feeling Chibs' eyes on me the whole time. And then I just left. I didn't say another word, just pulled open the hotel room door and closed it behind me.

Thundering footsteps caught me by the time I got to the sidewalk, angling for my apartment.

"Where the hell ya think yer goin'?" Chibs asked, his jeans stuffed haphazardly into his boots, obviously in a rush to catch me.

"I can't keep saying goodbye to you, wondering if I'll ever see you again." I told him, feeling my resolve crack. "I love you. You saved my life and it's a debt I'll never be able to pay you back. You're the best family I've ever had and I can't…" I stopped, dipping my head to wipe my teary eyes. "I can't keep losing you."

Chibs hugged me tightly and I wanted the hug to fix me, all my problems and worries. I wanted him to pull all the broken pieces of me back together like the glue I knew he was.

But I gathered the strength to take a step back, away from him. I roughly wiped my eyes one more time, looking up at the tall man with scars on his cheeks and adoration in his eyes. "I love you, you Scottish freak." I told him, taking a deep breath. "But I won't say goodbye again. I could barely do it the first time. I can't make myself do it again. I can't lose you again. I won't." I shook my head violently.

"Then don't say goodbye, lass." He told me firmly. "Ain't much for 'em me self. So how about this?" He asked, stepping closer to me. "I'll see ya when I see ya, and I hope it's soon."

I nodded. "The sooner the better."

He gave me a sad smile and pulled me close again. "I'll tell Happy ya send yer best."

I nodded, wiping my eyes as I turned away. I couldn't hear Merle's voice prancing around my head anymore, so I was happy on that front. But the thought of my bikers, riding off into the sunset, leaving me here; it was almost more than I could handle.

But I'd have to. I'd have to handle it, because I couldn't go back to Charming. I washed my face when I got home, feeling the hole in my chest get bigger. I looked into the mirror and paused. It wasn't the same face I'd seen looking at the mirror in Juice's bathroom back in California. Sure, my eyes were the same color and my features were in the same place.

Now, though, my face looked like it changed. It looked a little more broken then I'd wanted and a little older than I could stand. But I resolved that I had to live with it. This is who I was now.


	16. Part 14 Burning Dreams

I was running through deep water. I wasn't sure where I was, but the water was far above my head and deep below my feet. It was almost dark all the way around me, but I knew I was running hard, like something was after me. But my panic slowly morphed into excitement. There was a light in the distance, growing slightly bigger until it was right in front of me.

The light wasn't really a light; it was a small boy. He looked familiar, like I'd seen him somewhere a long time ago, but his name escaped me.

"Are you lost?" He asked me clearly, despite the water surrounding us.

I nodded. "I can't seem to find my way."

"I can help with that. Follow your nose." He informed me, sniffing the air.

"My nose? But we're underwater." I told him.

He smiled, like he knew I'd say this. "Then take a breath."

And suddenly, the water was forcing itself down my nose and into my lungs. I coughed and gagged, jolting to the side to try to breathe. I hit something hard and when I opened my eyes, I was laying, tangled up in the sheets on the floor.

"You okay, babe?" Juice asked from the door, but I couldn't see him clearly, as he was upside down for me.

"Uh, yeah. Weird dream." I told him, untangling myself from the sheets.

"Well, come have breakfast." He told me with a smile, taking my hand and leading me out to the dining room table. Four different kinds of pancakes sat on the table along with small plates. He was providing us with a sampler breakfast. He even pulled my chair out for me.

"You're so sweet." I told him, as he moved around the table to pour me a cup of coffee, dumping in one spoon of sugar to the dark black brew and handing it to me.

"Anything for you." He smiled, sitting down at the table and sipping his own coffee.

"Can I ask you something?" I spoke, grabbing a chocolate chip pancake and the maple syrup.

"You just did." He said with a smile.

I grinned, taking my first bite. "Why do you always have pancakes on Saturday? Why Pancake Saturday? Why not Pancake Tuesdays or Waffle Fridays?"

He smirked, watching me. "You remember the first night you were here?"

I thought about it for a moment but nodded.

"You told me you like having some kind of pattern. Your dad always drank four fingers of bourbon when he was watching a football game and three when he watched baseball. Your mom always had two cigarettes between the start of dinner and the finish of it. Your brother seemed to only steal cigarettes on the week the cashier at the gas station got paid." He explained. "You made pancakes for me the first morning you were here. It was a Saturday. Pancake Saturday."

I smiled at him, ducking my head. "So pancake Saturday is all about me?"

He shook his head vigorously. "I never knew I liked pancakes this much. I am definitely not complaining." He grinned.

I nodded, finishing my chocolate chip pancake and grabbing a peanut butter chip one. "Well, thank you. I appreciate it." I told him sincerely.

He nodded, shoving his mouth full.

"Kelsi." I heard from somewhere behind me. "Kelsi!"

I jumped. Rob was standing over my shoulder, glaring at me hard. "Table six needs their food so get off your ass." He told me sternly, shoving the plate into my hands and walking back into the kitchen.

I huffed, heading right for table six. It was Old Man Rogers. He came in every other day at four for dinner. He rotated between the chicken fried steak and the bacon cheese burger. "Hey Mr. Rogers. Here's your steak. Sorry it took so long." I told him politely.

He shook his head and patted my arm. "You're doing great, Kelsi Jo. We having appreciate you around." He told me, moving quickly to his steak.

I moved back to the counter and started making a milkshake for the pimple faced teenager who gave me funny smiles.

Fuckin' waitressin'… again. I hated fuckin' waitressin'. My mind wandered back to Juice, and how bookkeeping was less stress and better pay. I gave the kid his milkshake and brought out three plates of fries for table eleven, who I could already tell wouldn't leave a tip.

Four or five motorcycles drove by outside and I looked up, hoping to see a Reaper on the back of their leather jackets, but they were the kind of luxury bikes old, rich people bought to feel alive; not the ride or die kind of motorcycles.

"Where ya from?" The kid with the milkshake asked when I got back behind the counter.

"Willisburg, half hour south." I told him, wiping off the counter.

He shook his head. "Ain't meant where yer born. Meant where you was before." Damn, his accent was thicker than mine before I left.

"I was in California a spell." I told him.

"With some motorcycle riders?" He asked. I looked at him sharply and suddenly the nine millimeter in my waist band, that I'd been carrying since Juice got it for me, felt heavy. "I don't mean nothin' by it. I saw ya glance out the window when those others rode by."

I nodded to him slowly. "Yeah, with some motorcycle riders." I told him before moving back to the window that sent the food out. Bettie called in sick, so I was working a double tonight. The kid with the pimples was already on his third milkshake and I seriously questioned whether he had enough money to pay for his drinks.

"Table eleven just split." Rob told me when I came back.

I glanced over to see the four teenagers run out the door, high fiving each other. I had no energy to chase them down, so I collected their empty plates and dumped them in the sink so Rob's kid, TJ, could wash them. I quickly grabbed my wallet out of the back and put twenty dollars in the till, enough to cover the French fries and sodas they carelessly hadn't paid for.

"How long was you in California?" The kid asked me as I went about cleaning the milk shake machine.

I shrugged. "Couple years." I didn't really remember. I knew when I left here and I knew when I got back, but I didn't remember much of the time between leaving and finding Juice.

"Ya like it out there?" He asked me.

"Why so curious?" I asked, moving to wipe off another section of counter.

The kid shrugged and sipped on his milkshake. Another couple came in and I grabbed two menus, asking what they'd like to drink.

The kid with the milkshake stayed at the counter another two hours, coming within a half hour of closing time. I was starting to put things away when I noticed he still sat in the same spot. "You want me to get yer total?" I called over my shoulder.

"It's $17.68. I've been keeping track." He told me, laying $30 in cash on the counter.

I went to the register and rang it up for him. He was right, tax included. "You good with math?"

He nodded. "I like figuring math problems out in my head." He shrugged. "You miss 'em?"

I turned to him, not sure what he was talkin' about. "Miss who?"

"Yar motorcycle riders." He spoke.

I shrugged, wanting to feel nonchalant. I knew I couldn't, but I wanted to try. "Sometimes."

"Just sometimes?" He asked.

I was going to say yes, but I saw the way he looked at me, like he knew the real answer. I sighed. "I miss them a lot. But ain't nothin' I can do 'bout it." I told him, taking the twenty dollar bill and moving to get him change.

"The rest of that's fer you." He told me, sliding off the bar stool.

I looked over at him, watching him for a moment. "Damn near sixty percent."

He shrugged. "Closer to fiddy-eight, but it's what I got in mah pocket."

"Why?" I asked carefully. He looked like he could be a Junior or Senior in high school. I never knew a high school kid to give over ten percent, if they even tipped.

He smiled at me, showing off uneven teeth. "My ma worked in a diner for almost twenty years, just tryin' to pay for me on 'er own. She told me it's the little things that mean the most. Couple extra bucks in yar pocket might help ya get back to yar motorcycle riders." He told me with a grin, moving towards the door.

"Hey kid. What's your name?" I asked.

He just kept walking, out the door. Through the glass, I saw him cross the street and disappear into the dark past the street light.

I looked back at the change in my hand and I silently thanked him, looking back at the glass door. He was a good soul and I wished the world had more of those. I pocketed the change and wondered how the kid had ended up at the diner.

"That was sweet." A voice said.

I looked up to see Juice sitting at the bar stool the kid had recently vacated. I knew it wasn't Juice, but it looked just like him. I nodded, looking back at the cash drawer.

"Gonna come see me with that money?" Juice grinned widely.

I shook my head. "You're not real." I mumbled.

"Maybe not, but you sure are. Kelsi baby, you fill out those curves like a beast." He grinned widely.

Since coming home and cooking for the guys every now and again, home cooking, I had gained a little bit of weight. I didn't mind though. I'd always been curvy before I'd gotten with Danny, but he'd made me lose weight so I wasn't so chubby or fat as he liked to call me. I was happy with where I was, but I knew Juice had never seen this part of me.

I shrugged, moving to lock the door behind the kid. I went back to the cash register, counting the till.

"Baby, don't ignore me." His voice came quietly.

I shook my head. "You're not real." I had meant for it to sound strong and solid. But my voice wavered and I felt my eyes heat up, sending tears into my vision.

"I could be. All you gotta do is come home." His words spoke from over my shoulder, right behind me.

"I am home." Again, my voice shook and I set down the dollar bills, losing my count.

"This isn't home, baby girl. Home is where you're loved and cared for. Home is where you're safe. Home is where you cuddle up to your man, even when you're feet are cold are ice. Home is movies on Netflix and popcorn fights." He said and I could've sworn I could feel his fingers run gently across my shoulders.

A tear fell from my eye and I just felt the sadness overwhelm me. I leaned forward to brace myself on the counter, feeling weak.

"Kelsi Jo! You better be workin' on countin' that cash." Rob's voice yelled from the back room.

Maybe I'd made a horrible decision.

Maybe this wasn't home.

Maybe I shouldn't have left Juice.


	17. Part 15 Clock Watchers

"Then leave, if you're gonna be a litl' bitch about it." Merle cursed at me.

"You watch your tone, Merle Dixon. I will skin you alive." I warned him.

Merle turned to Daryl, gesturing wildly to me. "Damn woman's only been here three months and she's treatin' us like she never left. You gonna take this?"

Daryl shrugged. "Kelsi Jo never much listened to me."

I was just as mad at Daryl as I was at Merle. Merle was always harshin' on me, always belittling me. I finally stand up to him and Daryl can't even say anythin'. I turned, slamming the front door on my way out. I stomped all the way down the porch and out to the hunting shed.

The only good skill my ol' man ever taught me was to know how to hunt with whatever you could find. I knew how to shoot a bow, a gun, or even stun an animal with a sling shot. I did better with the smaller sized game; coons, possum, rabbit. Never brought home a deer to butcher, although Merle was a damn marksmen if you told him to get that deer running across the field.

Daryl was a happy mix of both. He could shoot a rabbit or a buck without much trouble, even bringing down bears and cats, or a string of coons. I'd found out early on I had a lot more trouble with a piece of game larger than me. But rabbits and coons I could catch all day.

Pa always said, the best thing to do when you start being a clock watcher, is to get into the woods. He always called the city slickers that; people who watched the clock, waiting for the day to be over. My old man was abusive and a drunk, but this was the only piece of advice he'd ever given me worth its weight in gold.

I dug around in the shed until I found a few scraps of camo to wrap around myself. Daryl never cared much for it, but it helped me feel more confident. I grabbed the compound bow that Daryl had given me for my sixteenth birthday. For all his salt, he'd maintained it well. I wondered if it was his way of hoping I'd come back again.

Without a word to my brothers, I disappeared into the forest behind the shed, blending in seamlessly with the rugged landscape. The trees had gotten bigger and the bushes grew out of control, so it was easy to find a place to disguise myself among the brush. Daryl was the best tracker the family had ever seen; he'd easily be able to find me if he wanted to. But I doubted he'd come running to see if I was okay.

Farmer Johnson had long ago laid clean fence lines, dividing his property from ours. He'd hated us trespassing and after all those years, I could finally understand why. He'd just wanted to grow old and manage his farm. He didn't want to have to chase some stupid kids off, but he wanted to protect his piece of land.

I wasn't sure how long I'd been walking, stumbling on roots that had pushed up through the top soil and ducking under branches bigger around then my head. I itched to shoot at something, to release the anger and stress that had been building up in my chest for weeks now. It'd been almost two months since I'd last seen Chibs and Happy wander into the diner and I'd already been here for two weeks at that point.

I still missed Juice with a passion I couldn't rein in, no matter how hard I tried. I'd drive home from seeing the guys and without meaning to, I'd end up on the highway, pointing west. Twice now, I'd had to make myself stop the car and turn around. My body knew where I was supposed to be; in California with Juice.

But I couldn't. Not with Gemma wanting me out of the picture, however it worked.

So I stalked a rabbit for almost thirty yards before I drew the bow and the arrow found its mark. I'd grabbed a stray baling twine when I'd stormed out of the shed and I was glad, seeing as it came in handy to string up the rabbit. I threw it over my shoulder and tied it off on my pants. Another hundred yards and I found another, quickly striking it down. I did the same thing to this rabbit as I had done to the last one.

A little more quiet stalking through the trees presented me with three squirrels, an possum, and another rabbit.

I turned my head, listening carefully. I'd thought I'd heard someone walking through the trees, so I hunkered down near a fallen tree trunk and slowed my breathing to listen. It took me a full minute or two to realize the sound was running water. I hadn't grabbed a bottle of water on my stampede out of the house, so I popped up and slowly headed towards the sound.

Pushing back branches and through undergrowth put me in the middle of a small clearing with a brook running through it. I glanced around, making sure I couldn't see any predators larger than me. No bears or mountain lions upon thorough inspection, so I set my string of small game down to dip my hands, rinsing them off before sucking up some cold water.

A bird called overhead and I looked up, seeing the sunlight dance through the trees, casting an eerie kind of light over the clearing. I heard a snort and I glanced right, seeing a stag stand near the top of the next hill, maybe only two hundred yards away. I stilled, knowing there was no way in hell I could hit him with my bow from that far. I was only accurate up to maybe thirty yards and that was nothing impressive to a family of hunters.

But the buck stared right at me, like he knew exactly what he was looking for. I relaxed back on my heels, feeling unstable leaning on the balls of my feet, figuring he'd spook and dart off. So I was surprised when he stood still tall, still watching me.

I'd heard stories in town about a buck that always got away. It didn't matter how you tried, or what you used, this one deer would get away from you every time. The stories the guys had told at the bar were hilarious. Apparently, the imaginary deer could duck or dodge any bullet or arrow fired at it; they'd even tried fishing wire traps, nets, bear traps. Didn't matter. Besides for a couple scratches and scars, the buck always lived to see another sun rise.

Before, I hadn't believed the stories. But now, seeing this deer not afraid, not skittish in the least; I could tell the stories were true.

The buck snorted, sending fog through the chilly evening air. Then he pawed at the ground and threw his head. He was impatient. Daryl acted much the same way when he didn't have his way. The buck returned to watching me for a moment before another session of pawing at the ground and throwing his head.

I made sure of my footing and stood myself up slowly, still watching him. I knew I was acting crazy, but something in my head told me to just do it. So I strapped the sting of animals around my waist, so they wouldn't put me off balance over my shoulder and I hopped the creek. Another glance at the stag showed he still stood where he was.

Carefully, I picked me way up the rocks to the hill he was on. When I was within thirty yards, he hopped over the hill, out of sight. I continued picking my path to the top of the hill, where I found him on the other side of a wide open, grassy clearing, the little river running along my right side before running off west.

When he saw me, he headed for the trees, disappearing into the shadows. Crazy. I was motherfuckin' crazy. But the sun had started its descent, and although I had never lost my direction, the deer's path of travel looked less covered in brush and undergrowth then my previous path. So I followed the deer.

I could see him walking about fifty yards in front of me and I followed him through the forest. He jumped every obstacle in his path with an ease I didn't possess. As soon as the sun got below the tops of the trees, panic started the spread through me. I didn't have a flashlight. I could tear my shirt and make a torch, but I was hoping to avoid that.

Suddenly, the buck disappeared and I broke through a line of trees, spitting me out on a dirt road. Upon further inspection, this was the dirt road I'd followed that led to the boys' driveway. I glanced up and down the road, pausing as I saw headlights coming from the south. I ducked back into the tree line, hidden in the shadows from the headlights. I didn't know who was drivin' around the old dirt road, but I'd known there was shady folk in town who just liked to drive around.

The truck came to a stretching halt and the driver bailed out, slamming the Detroit steel hard enough to make the cab rock a little bit.

"Kelsi Jo!" Daryl's voice called, stepping into the tree line and looking around. When his eyes fell on me, I saw a mix of worry and anger in his features. "The fuck you doin' out here, Kelsi Jo? Fuckin' dark out."

I looked at him for a moment and looked back into the woods. There was no sign of the deer, like it'd vanished. "I was huntin'."

"Well why the fuck you end up two miles from the goddamn house?" Daryl growled.

I unhooked the belt I'd made of bailing twine and small game and held it up. Daryl's posture relaxed. "Got us dinner."

Daryl glanced from the animals to me and the bow I'd been carrying. "Thought ya went city slicker and got lost."

"Ain't no Dixon get lost in the woods." I rolled my eyes.

He seemed to nod, watching me again. "How ya end up out here?"

I considered telling him about the deer, but I probably thought he'd look at me like I was crazy and write me off. "Too much undergrowth on my way out. Knew I'd all but get lost in it. I followed the creek for a while til I saw yer headlights 'round the bend." I told him, gesturing as I talked.

Daryl watched me for a moment, glancing over my shoulders and off to our sides. A shiver ran through him, making him shutter. "Yeah, alright. C'mon back to the house. Ya can spend the night and go to work normal tomorrow." He told me firmly, giving the woods one last glance before heading for the truck.

I glanced over my shoulder, feeling a pull. There, just before the trees melted into shadows, was a buck, standing tall and proud, before he turned and headed into the forest, away from me.

Getting back in the truck left me with an odd sensation. "Somethin's in the air." I told Daryl, glancing over at him. "Ya feel it?"

Daryl looked on edge, mildly nervous and I was reminded of the buck, snorting and stomping. But he nodded. "Yeah, I feel it." He told me, putting the truck in gear and pulling down the road.


	18. Part 16 Breath of an Angel Chapter 1

"What do you mean, he's dead?" I choked the words out of my hoarse throat, trying to gasp for breath. Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't bear to look the blonde man in the face anymore.

He looked like he was struggling with the words, like he couldn't force himself to say them again; he'd barely gotten them pried from his the lips the first time and his eyes begged me not to make him say the words again. He just shook his head.

I gasped again, bending over, my hand on my chest, trying to brace myself for the pain that engulfed me. But nothing could lessen the blow. Nothing could brace me for the struggle that was warring in my stomach, fighting to keep my food down.

"No." I said, looking up at him. I was in denial, but I knew it couldn't be true. I knew I'd be able to feel it in my bones, the moment he died. "He's not dead. He can't be." But the tears still ran down my face and even through my blurred vision, I could see his cheeks turn red as he forced himself not to succumb to the same tears.

He nodded, not brave enough to say the words again, but feeling they needed further confirmation.

"No." It came out as a gasp, barely audible. "No!" I screamed, feeling my lungs and throat burn with the effort.

Jax looked like he was dying, the weight of the words pulling him apart. Chibs reached around me from behind, his gloved hand covering my screams and sobs.

"We can't do it here. We can't." He told me, pulling me tightly against him.

My sobbing was uncontrollable and suddenly I vaulted to the left.

I gasped, opening my eyes to see the dash of Daryl's old gray pickup. I looked both ways, seeing Merle to my right and Daryl to my left. I twisted around in the seat to see where we were. Not in the middle of a field, like I had been before. We were in the cab of the truck, stuck in the middle of some wicked ass bumper to bumper traffic.

"Juice. Juice died." I mumbled, pulling my sweat rag out of my bag and scrubbing it over my face.

Merle snorted, but he knew better than to say anythin'.

Daryl was quiet, but I could see the sideways glances he gave me, trying to see if I was really alright.

"What the fucks the hold up? We ain't moved much." I asked, trying to see if I stretched in the seat far enough, if I could see anything up ahead.

"The fuck you think we look like? News men?" Merle snarled.

I kicked him hard in the knee and popped the door, climbing over him while he was yowling in pain. I couldn't be in the truck anymore. I felt like a damn caged animal. I even started pacing, feeling trapped.

"Hey, are you okay?"

I turned to see a tall, lanky brunette watching me carefully.

I nodded. "Yeah. Just… locked up in a truck with two guys. Wears ya thin fast." I told her.

She nodded. "Well, if you wanna get out of this cluster, there's a group of us goin' down to the old rock quarry to park for the night, since it doesn't look like this is going very far." She told me, gesturing to the blockade of cars.

"The one old man Willy used to own before he died?" I asked.

She nodded. "And you don't have to. I just thought I'd offer since you don't seem too much like sittin' here." She smiled at me, turning back and weaving through the line of parked cars.

I nodded after her, thinking it through. I clapped my hands together, trying to get the good energy flowing. "Damn straight." I wove around the truck and threw open Daryl's door. "Move."

"The fuck you talkin' 'bout, move? It's my fuckin' truck." Daryl growled at me in his normal arrogant tone.

"Move your ass. I'm gettin' us out of here." I told him and with a shove, he moved into the middle seat. I hopped into the driver's seat and made the truck roar to life, scaring a few people in our area. I backed the truck up until somebody yelled at me to not hit their car and then I pulled from the outside lane, cranking the wheel hard to make the truck turn itself around.

"The fuck we goin'?" Merle asked harshly.

"The old rock quarry. This lady told me a group of 'em are goin' down there and it's a damn better place to lay our heads than this fuckin' line of cars." I told him, chugging along down the shoulder of the road.

"She done lost her mind." Daryl commented.

But Merle was stilled. "Nah. Nah brother. This could be good. Maybe they got them some nice stuff, some fancy stuff. Could rob 'em blind and high tail it for Tennessee."

"Ain't robbin' nobody." I commented, ignoring them as the truck bounced and rolled down the shoulder for a couple miles until we hit the sign, telling us the rock quarry was five miles up the side of the hill.

I made the turn and headed towards the glow of a fire. Above the quarry was a big open area that most of the people had parked their cars. I climbed out and grabbed my backpack from the bed of the truck.

When we'd heard on the news that there was an infection, a break out of a deadly virus, we'd packed our shit and hit the road. But we hadn't planned on getting stuck in traffic before being able to break out into the country side. We'd been headin' for dad's old shine cabin, but hadn't even made it half way at this point. Merle's motorcycle was loaded in the back and we'd stuffed our bags around it.

There were people by the campfire, looking wary of us. I knew Merle, Daryl and I each had our own gun, in addition to Daryl and I bringing our bows along. We could sure take 'em if there was a fight, but didn't think there'd be much use for one tonight.

The tall brunette stood from a log that she was using as a bench and came over to me with a smile. "I'm Lori, by the way. This is my son Carl." She spoke, gesturing to the scraggly kid that trailed behind her.

"I'm Kelsi Jo. This here's my brothers, Merle and Daryl." I told her, gesturing to the boys.

"A pleasure." She told us with a head nod. "If you've got something you wanna throw towards dinner, you're welcome to eat with us, or you can feel free to pitch a tent and do your own thing."

Merle grumbled, calling somebody a piece of shit as he turned and headed for the truck, grabbing the tent and headed for the woods.

"Suppose we'll do our own thing for the evening. We appreciate the offer." I told Lori, Daryl still standing behind my right shoulder.

She nodded, obviously not put out by my rude older brother. "You need any help with firewood?"

I shook my head. "No ma'am. We'll do fine on our own. Just appreciate bein' outta that damn truck." I told her with a smile.

She nodded. "You have a good night." She told me, taking her son and turning around, heading back to the fire.

"Who the hell is that, Lori? You can't just go invitin' every Tom, Dick and Harry up over here." A loud, male voice spoke around the fire.

Lori shook her head, glaring hard at the man. "They needed a place to stay the night and they don't mean to hurt us none. Just hush and they'll keep to themselves."

"Got a bad feelin' 'bout this." Daryl spoke gently as we pulled some more of our stuff out of the bed of the truck.

I nodded. The news said it'd been a virus, although they had no idea how it traveled. It'd caused people to go brain dead or somethin', only wanting somethin' to eat instead of any human reaction like they'd had before. We'd seen one by the road, back near home. 'Bout tried to charge the truck too. But it never stopped comin' for us.

Words couldn't explain how desperately I wanted this to be temporary, to be back at home in a matter of days. But Daryl and I had both agreed only weeks ago when he found me on the road after I'd wandered the forest, following an imaginary deer, the winds of change had picked up and I didn't think they'd die down for a long, long time.

* * *

We pitched the tent and spent the night. We quickly found out that the three of us had adapted much easier to this 'living off grid' thing than literally anybody else, except maybe the old man with the camper. Daryl and Merle would periodically go off and whisper among themselves, but they'd always quit when I came around and never tell me why when I asked.

Within the first two days, I already had a feel for everybody's personality and attitude. I could already tell who I did and didn't like. It quickly became apparent that Lori, the lady who'd allowed us to stay close, was having a thing with the sheriff guy, I thought his name was Shane. I couldn't tell if they were married, but I knew Carl was not his kid, despite how Carl followed Shane around like a lost pup.

Dale, although nice, was more of the camp snoop then anything. He wanted to know everything about everybody, even if he said he didn't care or 'you don't have to tell me.' But he kept tryin' to show Glenn how to fix little things on the RV and for that, I commended him.

Andrea and her sister Amy were pretty quiet and kept to themselves, but they were always helping the group as a whole, offering assistance or talking with somebody.

The boys and I didn't talk much about ourselves and whenever the conversation came up to question something about where we lived, what'd we been doing before all this, I always steered it away. I knew Daryl was grateful for it at the least. He hated people knowing his business and if I went and talked about us like that, he'd rip me somethin' good.

We'd been at the quarry for almost a month. Merle and Daryl still had their whispers about robbin' the others blind, but I told them to stop that shit. First group of decent people we met since we left home and they're gonna go and ruin it for us. The others in the quarry group had pretty much accepted us, except for Merle, who couldn't keep his damn mouth shut if it'd save his life. But we helped with what we could.

Supplies were starting to get low and Dale kept talking about needing this or that part to get the motorhome running for whenever we did get to the point of leaving. Shane suggested a trip into Atlanta to scavenge for supplies. Glenn, the little Korean kid, volunteered right off the bat. Although he was small and shy, he seemed like he could get in and out of a place fast.

In the end, it was Glenn, Andrea, T-Dog, Merle and me. I had no idea what Andrea and T-Dog brought to the table. We'd been here almost a month with our thumbs up our asses and all Andrea's little sister did was complain about how long we'd been 'camping'. T-Dog was strong as an ox, but damn if he wasn't a lazy sack of shit.

The guys and I had talked about it. Merle and Daryl wanted to go together, but I needed out of camp. I was starting to get cabin fever and pacing wasn't helping any, so Daryl decided to stay behind. And with that, we grabbed our gear and headed for Atlanta.

* * *

Returning to camp was hard. I felt the weight of the loss in my chest, although I knew my brain wasn't actually registering what was going on. The sheriff we'd found was reunited with Lori and Carl, who turned out to be his wife and son. I was happy for them on some subconscious level, but I couldn't feel it.

Someone mentioned that Daryl had taken off hunting. He'd be back within a day or two. Daryl got restless easily and I knew he didn't much like anybody in camp. I didn't blame him. God, after the trip into Atlanta, part of me wanted to go kill somethin' and the other part of me wanted to be the thing killed. Daryl would never forgive me.

The rest of the night and half that next morning was hard. Daryl hadn't come back and even though I knew he was safe, that he could handle himself, I just wanted him to return. I didn't give a rat's ass how he felt; he needed to come back. We had to figure out what to do. I knew he'd want to go back and I already knew he'd blame me for what happened. I blamed me too, but there was nothing I could've done.

When I heard rustling noises in the bushes behind camp, Glenn quieted everyone and I grabbed a tire iron I'd picked up. I knew I wasn't quick enough with my bow for it to do any good. Rick and Shane moved towards the rustling and I made sure to stay close to them.

Breaking through the bushes was… an odd sight. My brain knew what it was seeing, but something in my head didn't want to actually process the scene before me. There was a walker doubled down, gnawing on a deer. I also noticed the crossbow bolt sticking out of the deer's chest; Daryl's bolt. Oh, the dead guy got Daryl's deer. That wasn't going to turn out well…

And then Daryl broke through the trees, looking excited. He'd known he'd dropped the deer. But then his eyes landed on the walker and I could almost see him ignite. He couldn't even go hunting without some dead guy eating his kill. He took the hatchet off his belt and went to town on the walker, caving in his skull and spilling out his brains.

"That was my fuckin' deer, you piece of shit." Daryl grunted, kicking the already dead body.

I bit my lip, fearing what was coming next. We all kind of parted so that Daryl could move back to the quarry, away from both pieces of dead meat.

"Merle! The fuck you at?" Daryl hollered.

"Daryl…" I started.

"Merle!" Daryl yelled again.

"He ain't here, Daryl." I spoke.

Daryl stopped and turned to me. "The hell you mean, he ain't here?"

"He ain't… he ain't here…" I said again.

"The fuck you mean, Kelsi Jo?" Daryl asked and I could feel the heat from his temper and suddenly, I could feel mine flare too.

"He ain't fuckin' here, Daryl. I know you ain't stupid, same as you ain't deaf. He ran his fuckin' mouth and he got his sorry ass handcuffed to a goddamn pipe. We got surrounded by walkers and I fuckin' tried to save him, but I… I dropped the key." I told him in a rush.

His whole body froze and he watched me, like he was expecting me to say, 'haha Just kidding. He's taking a leak by the cars.' But I couldn't because it wasn't true. "Ya left him?"

"We got overrun by walkers. It was either leave him, or we all died. There's a chance he's still alive. I bolted the door closed. I'm sure he's still on that building hollerin' and screamin'." I told him.

He charged me, knocking us both over. As soon as my shoulders hit the dirt, I threw a punch at him, landing it on his cheek. He hit me back and I knew he busted my lip. We both took another swing before there were hands, pulling us both away from each other.

Daryl threw off Shane and Glenn, staring me down. "You left my fuckin' brother."

"He's my brother too, you sack of shit. But he can't keep his goddamn mouth shut and you fuckin' know it." I told him, spitting out blood.

Daryl glared at me once more, picking up the crossbow he'd dropped when he charged me and stalking off towards the vehicles.

"The fuck you think you're goin'?" I called.

"To get my brother back." He told me.

* * *

The next few weeks were a whirlwind of events I could hardly describe. It was like walking through a dream. The group that went into Atlanta didn't find Merle, but they found his hand, so the bastard was still alive, I was sure of it. Daryl never said it outright, but I knew he agreed too. With no body, no proof of death, he was definitely still alive. We got attacked by walkers at the quarry, driving us from it.

After we fled the rock quarry, we headed for the CDC. We lost Amy due to a bite that caused her to bleed out and Jim because of a bite, but we left him near a tree on the highway. A bunch of others died, and the Morales family wanted to try their luck on their own. We couldn't hold it against them, even if I thought they were fools.

Finding the CDC wasn't as difficult as making our way inside. Trying to talk the Doctor inside into letting us in was a damn right miracle to say the least. We'd had booze and real showers for the first time in two months. When we woke up, we had real food like eggs that I thought we might never see again.

Then the doc, Jenner, showed us what happened when the virus takes over your brain. He told us how it slowly kills you and then reanimates the part of your brain that moves your limbs and makes you want to eat something.

After that, the Doc tried to kill us. He told us the building was in lock down mode and would explode when the timer ran out, neutralizing any chance of the diseases inside getting out. We'd had to fight our way out; that was for sure. We almost lost Dale and Andrea, who'd wanted to stay behind. Jacqui was inside when the building exploded. She didn't want to go like Amy or Jim. I couldn't blame her in the least. I would never have been strong enough to stay in a building until it blew, but I knew she didn't feel the burden of those dead bodies on her anymore.

We went from having five vehicles, to having the RV, the station wagon, and Merle's bike. Daryl hadn't wanted to leave the truck behind, but we'd both agreed, the motorcycle was more fuel efficient and if we ever found Merle, he'd never forgive us for leaving his bike behind.

And then we'd been attacked by walkers while scavenging the cars that had all stopped at one portion of the highway, blocking our travels. T-Dog cut a vein and started to bleed out. Daryl had to help him hide from the horde. I had dropped to the ground and pulled a corpse over towards me. Carol's daughter Sophie had run off.

After that, we stumbled onto a farm, but we hadn't been there long after it got overrun. Rick's wife, Lori, was pregnant, so we had to always make sure she had shelter. It was an odd thing to me. In the middle of the end of the world and trying your damnedest to stay alive, you wanted a poke? I couldn't wrap my head around it myself, but I knew everybody had their ways of coping.

Me, I could've gone for a stiff drink over any other vice to take back.

But I'd known we didn't have that option anymore. Nobody was safe anywhere and we had to keep each other alive. After wandering the countryside, we'd decided to take shelter in an abandoned house for a few days. We didn't have many supplies, but Lori needed to be out of the elements, which meant we didn't have to pitch tents and set up can alarms.

I looked up from the floorboards, to where somebody had called my name. Glenn stood at the entrance of the room I was sitting on the floor in. We'd cleared the house and moved Lori in for the night. It was a big house; four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a kitchen, full dining room, and study. The walls in this room had once been bright pink, with the outline of a crown on the wall, telling me there had once been something there for a long time to discolor the wall in such a way.

Once we'd arranged for watch duties, I'd moved to this room and sat down. Lately, I hadn't been holding myself together very well at all. I felt like a part of me was slipping away; the part of me that cared for my existence. I protected and watched over the others carefully, always putting them before myself. But I was starting to not care anymore what happened to me.

And here Glenn stood, with a look of concern and worry I hadn't experienced in a while. "Are you alright?"

I nodded quickly, trying to put on the good show. I even threw in a smile, although I didn't know how it looked to him since I knew I was covered in dirt and blood. "Yeah, thanks."

He didn't move, just watching me still. "Daryl told me you lost a guy a while back. He said it messed with you a little."

Honestly, I hadn't thought much about Glenn one way or the other. He seemed alright, and I knew things about him from the life he led before, and I could see the bravery and honor he held in his eyes. But I hadn't ever put much thought into him as a person. "A little." I let out a strangled chuckle. "Yeah, I guess." I said, glancing across the room at the old broken TV in the corner so I didn't have to look at him.

"Your husband?" Glenn asked.

I felt the same ache in my chest I'd felt since the day I'd pulled out of that driveway on the other side of the country. "Pretty much. We didn't have a paper to go with it, but I was his old lady; he was my old man."

"You miss him?" He asked.

A sort of numbness washed over me at the question and all I could manage to do with my body was slowly nod my head once. "Every day."

Glenn moved out of the corner of my eye and I looked to see him sitting next to me on the slowly rotting floors. He moved like he was making himself comfortable, which I knew was hard. "Tell me about him."

I felt a pained smile slip through my features and I ducked my head. "Why?"

"There's not a lot of people lining up to help you. I figured why not me?" He asked quietly.

I wanted to decline his offer; it's what I would have done before all this happened. I had to be strong, I couldn't be weak. Merle never woulda let me sit and talk about the man I'd loved, the man I'd lost. But I also knew that if I didn't talk about it with somebody, I was likely to lose a part of myself somewhere along the line.

"His name was Juan Carlos, but he was in a motorcycle club and everyone in the club had nicknames, so he never went by it. They all called him Juice. He was the only man who didn't hurt me when he touched me." I murmured quietly, staring at the wooden floor.

"He was a mechanic. He was strong, and really good with computers. He could hack stuff and change the insides of a computer to do what he wanted. He had a terrible, horrible taste in movies. The Mummy was the only one we ever really agreed on." I smiled at the memory, although I felt so weak. "When we met, we were both so broken. He healed me and I made him smile once in a while."

"Why were you broken?" Glenn asked. His tone told me he didn't want to offend me by being curious and if I refused to answer, that was alright.

It took me a moment to compose my thoughts. That bridge felt like a lifetime ago. "The man before Juice used to beat me. Hit me and throw me around. A couple of the other guys in the club saved me from killing myself. Juice was tasked with babysitting duty and I guess he didn't totally hate it." I tried laughing, but it felt strangled in my chest so I stopped.

"So…" Glenn said, dragging out the word like he was trying to word his thought. "You were a biker bitch?"

A real chuckle made it out of my mouth and I realized how long it'd been since I'd heard the sound. I nodded. When you broke it all down, I had been a biker bitch.

Glenn grinned, like seeing me laugh made him feel better. "I hope you can find him when we get through this."

I nodded, feeling a weight lift from my shoulders. "Yeah, me too."

Page Break

* * *

I used to think when people said 'There's a light at the end of the tunnel' was to just imply that it was a train, ready to run me over and throw me off track of whatever I was doing.

But when I broke through the trees with the rest of the group, and saw that fenced in prison sitting there, I considered that maybe the light at the end of the tunnel was actually blue sky and clouds in a safe haven.

Sure, the whole thing was overrun by walkers, but they must've all been inside already when they got turned, because we didn't find a breach on this side of the prison.

Rick called out our game plan to get inside and clear the walkers. It wasn't difficult, cutting a hole in the chain link and clipping it back together so the dead heads on the outside couldn't get back inside.

Clearing the yard took a bit of patience. Rick ordered Daryl, Carol, Carl, and T-Dog into the watch towers to take down whatever they could. The rest of us stood in the walkway between the outside fence and the fenced in yard. We were to distract the walkers while Rick ran over and latched the gate so no more could funnel into the open yard.

Glenn had volunteered, but you could see Rick shoulder the responsibility. If it didn't work, he wanted to be the one to go down.

So the rest of us banged on the fence and speared the walkers in the head when they got close enough. I saw Daryl's arrows take down a handful, as well as the others shooting. I saw Rick latch the gate as I sent a pry bar through the skull of one of the dead guys. Rick ran for all his worth back to the fence line where Lori and Carl latched it behind him.

It took longer than I wanted, but soon they all laid in the field, green and brown liquid oozing into the dirt. After we finished them off, we had to drag them into a pile on the other side of the yard.

Camping in the open yard wasn't my idea of a good time and while I appreciated the fact we were surrounded by big fences, I knew fences could fall. Daryl had wandered off a while ago. I could see him sitting on an old truck and I knew he was keeping watch, trying to make sure nothing got in. I didn't know why he felt like he had to take care of us like that, but I just sat by the fire, eating the food I'd been given.

Carol took a bowl over to him and they talked for a while before wandering back. When they came back, Rick gave a speech about the shelter the prison would give us, and the food and medicine that could be inside. I wanted to believe him, but so far, we'd lucked out. I was glad we'd found some place for Lori to have her baby though. I couldn't imagine carrying a kid and trying to bring it into a world like this.

The next day was a battle in itself. Along with trying to clear the walkers beyond the gates and get inside, we found some of the walkers were in riot gear. That was tricky. Although it meant there was a plastic shield between my face and theirs, it also meant you had to be creative in getting to the brain. But with a long enough knife, you could go up from the jaw and that stopped them pretty fast; it was just terrifying to get that close.

We'd cleared the majority of the walkers from the space when something moved out of the corner of my vision. I'd been ready to head at it with the crow bar I'd kept close, but I paused. It moved like a human, not like a walker. It had deliberate movements, not jerky or erratic ones.

The person had their back to us and I could see the patch on the back of the leather jacket from across the yard. It was a reaper, saying the name of a motorcycle club and where they came from. My first thought was that a looter had grabbed it off a dead body and was sporting it as his own. But the man turned. The way his face seemed to crinkle around his mouth was familiar, like I'd seen it in a dream before.

My breath got caught in my throat and I wondered if this was how a heart attack felt like. "Chibs." I felt the word fall from my tongue like I said it every day for the last year. I knew everyone behind me had a gun pointed on the man, but all I heard was Daryl's voice shouting something that didn't make it to me as I broke into a sprint across the concrete.

The Scot looked worried for a moment, taking a step back until I got close enough that he could see my face. Then relief washed over him. I heard a sob rip out of my throat as I collided with him, pulling him close to me.

He gasped, like he was stunned as he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly. "Kelsi. Kelsi, girl. Ya made it." He murmured as if it was a prayer. I knew he'd been religious at one point; maybe that was as close as he got anymore.

There was another body that joined our huddle and it didn't matter who it was, because I knew at this point that it was someone who cared about me and I drank it in, welcoming it.

When they both pulled away, Jax was at my shoulder, a tear running down his cheek. He looked grateful that I was alive as he watched me. His hair had been cut short, probably to lessen his chances of walkers grabbing it, but it looked ragged, like he'd hacked it off himself.

Chibs didn't look much better. His clothes spattered with blood and dirt. There was blood and dirt covering his hands and face too and I could faintly remember what it looked like clean.

I could see my group move closer and I turned, hearing a noise. Happy, Kip, and Opie stood by the building, preparing for the worst, but I could see the look on their faces when they saw me.

Daryl moved beside me, watching the men closely like he didn't recognize any of them and was concerned. But something in Jax's face caught him and the realization slowly spun out on his features. "Jax, Chibs." He said, looking between them.

"I'm glad you made it, brotha." Jax said with a smile and a clap on Daryl's shoulder, and it almost looked odd on his face, like he hadn't done it in a while.

"You too." Daryl said, giving both men near me a nod.

"Are you living here? What the hell?" I asked, looking around, absently looking for Juice.

Jax's hand caught my shoulder and he shook his head.

"We can have time for reunions and explanations later, but right now, we need to clear this section." Rick's strong voice said from somewhere behind me.

I knew I'd broken whatever protocol we had going for us, but he didn't sound mad; just concerned for being in the open in an unclear area. So I nodded, readjusting the bow that was slung over my shoulders. I pulled the crow bar off my belt and weighted it in my hands before following Rick's lead, although I made sure to keep an eye on the five bikers around me.

* * *

We finished clearing out the inside of cell block C. The five men we'd added to our ranks were a big help. My nerves were shot from the day; between trying to kill all the walkers and suddenly finding people I'd been without for so long. We'd all picked a cell to be our room and I couldn't do anything except sit on the bed and stare at the wall across from it.

"Kelsi?"

I looked up to see Rick in my doorway. "Yeah?" I asked.

"I'd like you to properly introduce me to your friends." He told me.

I nodded, standing up. Since Rick didn't know who they were and didn't trust them because of it, they'd had to stay on the outside of the locked cell door, in the common area with the cafeteria style tables.

He unlocked the cell door and the five men looked up at me and I was nearly overrun with emotion again. I cleared my throat, glancing at Rick. "I lived with these guys in California. They're all part of a motorcycle club, or they used to be. Daryl told you how I had a rough past. Well, these guys brought me back from that. So Rick, this is Chibs, Jax, Opie, Kip, and Happy." I said, gesturing to each man as I said his name.

"Rick Grimes." He said, nodding to each of them.

Kip moved to stand up and made a beeline for me, giving me the tightest hug I'd had in a long time. I squeezed until I couldn't squeeze anymore and then he let go. He glanced at Rick to see him with his hand on the butt of his pistol and Kip just smirked. "I got a nut shot off in Iraq. You don't scare me."

"You don't look military." Rick commented.

Kip shrugged. "Really? Because you might as well still be wearing your uniform, Officer Grimes."

"It was Sheriff." Rick said with a little smirk.

Kip shrugged like he didn't care before he looked back at me. "You made it."

I shook my head, putting my hand on his shoulder. "Nah, brother. We made it together."

Kip grinned before returning to the tables.

"So ya gonna let us in?" Opie asked.

"Let me make one thing clear. If you try to hurt any one of my people, I will kill you. I will not hesitate, and I will not think twice. And there is no three strikes you're out. One fuck up and you're all gone." Rick said, giving a hard look to all of them.

Happy smirked, looking at Jax. "I like him."

Rick nodded, before walking away. Daryl quickly replaced him, coming to stand close to me.

Looking at Jax was hard. I knew what I wanted to ask, but the words felt like lead on my tongue. "Juice?" I begged. I knew I was begging. I just wanted him to tell me he was hiding in a culvert somewhere and we just had to go back and get him.

Jax stood up and came over to me, moving to give me a hug.

"No!" I said, pushing hard on his chest to move him back. I looked at his face and it was the saddest look I'd ever seen from him. His face started to go red and when he looked at me, his eyes were tearing up.

"He's alive. Right? He's… he's hidin'. Ya got separated." I murmured, my accent getting thicker the more distraught I became. I took a step back away from the blonde, trying desperately to rationalize why the Puerto Rican wasn't with them.

Jax looked like there was no way the words could be forced out of his mouth. He looked like he was choking on them. "We did get separated, lass. But…" Chibs trailed off. "Ain't a shot he made it out."

Chibs might have punched me himself. Daryl wrapped his arms around me as my knees buckled. He pulled me close, telling me it was going to be alright. But it wasn't. It never would be again. It was like something cracked in my chest and there was no way of ever repairing it.

"I'm sorry." Jax mumbled, but I couldn't do anything except cling to Daryl who was trying to calm me down.

I moved to bury my face in my brother's shoulder. "I shouldn'ta left. I shoulda stayed. It's my fault." I sobbed into Daryl's jacket.

"Ain't a thing ya coulda done." Daryl's rough voice said.

It took a few minutes for me to calm down, but as soon as I did, a numbness washed over me like I'd never felt before. The world crumbled, but I didn't care because I couldn't feel it. I laid in my bed, facing the cold, painted brick and wondered if it could suddenly cave in and kill me. I'd rather die in a freak accident than by walkers.

Heavy boots sounded on the cement and I knew they were biker boots, I just didn't know who was in them. Someone sat on the bed behind me silently. I couldn't even bring myself to roll over and look at them. I didn't ever want to move again.

"It hurts. A lot." Opie's deep rumble told me. "I won't tell you it gets better, because it never does. But it gets easier to handle, being alone."

"Heard you got remarried." I murmured.

I couldn't see it, but the way the bed moved, I considered him to be shrugging. "I loved her, she was great. But she wasn't Donna, that's for damn sure."

"Where is she?" I asked quietly.

"When the shit hit the fan, she wanted to go make sure her parents were alright. I told her I wouldn't be here when she got back and she told me she loved me before she got in the car." Opie's words felt like a stab to the heart. How could she just leave him, after everything he'd been through?

"You deserved so much more." I told him gently.

"So do you." He spoke, setting his hand on my shoulder.

I could feel myself crack and I curled in on myself, not wanting to cry in front of Opie for the eight hundredth time since I'd known him. I'd been so strong through the end of the world and here I was, crying over a guy I hadn't seen in eight months. But it didn't matter. My heart knew he had been the one, and so I cried again.


	19. Part 16 Breath of an Angel Chapter 2

I stayed inside until the irrational anger washed over me. I didn't tell anyone, but I ended up at the fence line, sticking a four foot crow bar into the skulls of the walkers who mindlessly banged against the fence. My clothes got splattered with brown blood and rank long-dead flesh, but I didn't notice, never pausing to consider what I might have looked like. I thought the activity would get rid of the anger bubbling in my chest, ready to spew out, but it did nothing but feed it, making it a hotter, more intense anger than what I'd already had.

Somewhere else, I could hear my name being called, but I was so far inside my head, I was probably hearing things. I stabbed another walker in the head and wondered if any of them were Gemma; if she'd been turned somewhere along the way and left to wander. The next walker got the crow bar more viciously forced into their face, nearly making me stumble when I pulled it free.

I paused for a second, considering which one to go after next when the tool was yanked free from my hands and landed in the grass ten feet behind me. I turned to see an angry Scot. In all the times I'd known Chibs, his face had never looked like this towards me.

He took a firm grip on my upper arm and painfully pulled me away from the fence. I stumbled, trying to keep up, telling him to let me go, that he was hurting me. But the look on his face told me he wasn't listening to me. He gave me a little toss away from him when we got inside the locked walls, into the common room.

Daryl, Happy, Opie, Kip, Jax, and Rick sat around tables there, watching us with an air of surprise, like they had no idea what was going on.

"I never been so mad at ya, Kelsi Jo." Chibs said, with an air of calm that rattled me. "I pulled ya off a bridge, crying over a man who ain't loved ya. I held ya and told ya you were better off. Ya promised not to do it again. I know ya didn't say it, but ya did; ya made a promise."

I watched him from the floor, wondering what he was trying to tell me.

"It ain't your fault he's gone. But don't you dare take this weight. Don't you dare. It ain't yours to bear alone. Ya didn't do nothin' and it couldn'ta changed if I wanted. Ya got no right." Chibs told me, his eyes on fire.

The anger in my chest reignited as I pulled myself off the floor. "How dare I? How dare I?" I asked, coming close to him. "I left. I left him and broke his heart. Even if it wouldn't have changed anything, I could have been there for him. I shoulda been in California. I shoulda told Gemma to go fuck herself and been there when he got home from Washington. I fucked up, Chibs."

Chibs just shook his head at me. "That ain't a cross I can let ya bear."

"You can't let me?" I snorted, rolling my eyes. "You can't make me do nothin' neither. You ain't been here, alright? You ain't seen the struggle it's been for me to not find another goddamn bridge. If I wanted to walk out into that horde and get torn apart, there's not a goddamn thing you could do to stop me."

But I'd said the wrong thing. Instead of anger, his features were replaced with a fear I hadn't seen before. "Why?"

"Because I'm tired of being a survivor. I'm tired of having these walking nightmares bounce around in my head like one day I'll wake up and magically be all better. It don't work like that and I'm tired of it." I told him, suddenly realizing there were six other sets of eyes on me including Daryl's.

"Ya can't… ya can't just give up." He told me quietly.

"Why not?" I asked him, the anger refueling itself. "What is so goddamn great about this world anyways? Hmm? Anybody either of us have ever loved is dead and there ain't nobody comin' to save us. It's us or them and it ain't like we're runnin' outta dead stuff to kill."

"Ya can't talk like that love." Chibs told me.

"No, you can't talk like that love. Growin' up, pa always told us that suicide was for the weak. Killin' yourself was a fool's game with no winners." I told him, turning to Daryl. "But it ain't for the weak. Maybe they're the strong ones. Maybe we're weak for trying to get through this thing without a scratch."

Chibs hugged me tightly, pulling me against his leather. "Don't gotta be like that, love."

I heard his words, mumbled against my ear. But they didn't reach me. I knew he was trying and he didn't want to lose me so soon after finding me again. But maybe I didn't want to keep myself.

* * *

I realized my outburst of emotion put everyone on edge around me except the bikers. Lori looked like me like I didn't have any right taking up space here and Herschel looked at me like I was a danger to myself. It wasn't like that; it's just how I felt. I wasn't gonna find no damn bridge, I wasn't gonna walk into the horde. I'd be lyin' if I said I hadn't thought about it. But I wasn't gonna actually do it.

It was an intense few weeks. We had to clean out the rest of this section of prison. Glenn and I got separated from the rest of the group when we got ambushed by a few dozen walkers. We'd found the group again, just as Herschel got bit. It all happened in a rush, but we found the cafeteria and we'd had to cut Herschel's leg off, hoping to prevent the spreading of the disease.

It worked. Maggie and Beth were a wreck for a few days until Herschel woke up and started to mend. It was a week before he got out of the cell block on crutches. And that was a disaster. Somebody had opened one of the gates, letting in a bunch of walkers.

Rick, Daryl and Glenn were down in the yard getting firewood to burn the other walker bodies. Beth had got Herschel into a cage; Lori, Carl and Maggie went into one section of the prison while T-Dog and Carol went into another. I'd been inside until the alarm went off, startling the bikers and me. We went running into the courtyard to find the guys fighting off the walkers. Once the six of us joined in the slaughter, it ended pretty fast.

Opie and I managed to get the gate shut as Rick, Daryl, and Glenn charged into the prison to find the alarm system. It took a while to get it off, but when they came back, they told us they'd found a prisoner who'd been here when the world collapsed, and had never left. They'd had to kill him, because he'd nearly killed Rick.

And then Maggie and Carl came out, holding a baby and we'd discovered Lori hadn't made it. We'd found T-Dog's body, he'd been ripped apart. We hadn't found Carol yet, but Daryl said he'd found her headband and was assuming she was dead.

I wasn't sure what happened, but Daryl told us he wasn't going to lose anyone else, and volunteered to go get formula for the baby. Maggie went with him while Rick went off the deep end. He stormed into the other section of the prison, looking for Lori, I guessed.

We dug graves, all taking turns. It was hard. Seeing Daryl look at the cross we'd put up for Carol broke my heart. I knew Daryl wasn't good at talking about what was going on in his head, but I knew the look he gave the cross with Carol's name. I'd given my phone the same look, hoping for Juice's name to pop up.

And my heart sank into my stomach, knowing I'd never see Juice again. I fought the tears by digging more vigorously. The real problem came when Glenn and Maggie went into a nearby town to get formula and whatever supplies they could find.

All in the same day, we found Carol alive, and Rick came back with a woman in tow, holding baby formula, saying she saw Glenn and Maggie get kidnapped. After few words, we decided to rescue them. Rick, Daryl and I would go with this woman, Michonne. The bikers protested, saying one of them should go with us. Chibs didn't look happy, but I told him he had to stay here and watch over the prison when we left. Jax looked equally unhappy, but they agreed.

The trek from the woods where we parked the car into this place, Woodbury, where Glenn and Maggie were, was a hard trek. Part of me didn't believe this Michonne chick and I could tell Daryl didn't much either.

It was dark when we reached the outside of the gates. Michonne showed us how to get in and by the time we were all inside, she was gone. I cursed at her, looking over at Daryl. He shook his head, turning his focus to the mission at hand. After a brief glance at the layout of this town, we headed towards a building on the far north, away from the majority of the town. There were guards posted outside and after a few shots, they were down.

We snuck in and got Maggie and Glenn before the world broke out into a firefight. We ducked and dodged before we ended up pinned in another building. We fought our way out, but I got shot in the arm. If I thought about it much, it was pretty close to where I'd got shot by our neighbor when I was younger.

In the mass chaos, trying to get Glenn and Maggie out, I realized Daryl was missing from the count. Rick and I got them out and away, heading to the rendezvous point. Michonne appeared out of the woods and we tried interrogating her, but we had bigger problems. Daryl still hadn't showed, which meant we had been captured.

We made a plan though and Rick and Maggie headed back into Woodbury. Rick wanted someone to stay here with Michonne and Glenn needed a looking after too. He told me he'd seen Merle, alive and as well as Merle could be, working under the Governor. He'd even thrown a walker at Glenn. Outwardly, I shook my head, protesting and arguing that Merle wasn't like that. Part of me even thought Glenn was lying

But inside, I knew he would if he got the chance. He was his father, flesh and blood, and I'd never liked a man less. I couldn't say it out loud though. Merle was family and Merle didn't go back on family.

So when Rick and Maggie came walking out of the woods with Daryl and Merle, I smiled. Merle was alive and well. But we didn't have time for niceities; we had to disappear before the guards of that crazy town came after us, so we all loaded in the SUV.

We stopped a few miles from the prison, figuring it was a safe distance. Glenn told us he wasn't comfortable going back to the prison with Merle, after Merle'd tried to kill him. Part of me wanted to protest, but I stayed quiet, watching the encounter until Merle got mad.

"Ain't you got a damn thing to say?" Merle snarled, turning to me.

"What you want me to say, Merle? Glenn's family and you tried to kill him." I told the older man.

"He ain't yer family! What about ol' Merle?" He snarled again.

"Just 'cause he ain't blood don't mean he ain't family! Damn better family than you are!" I told him.

Merle seemed to shift his weight, looking pissed but holding his tongue for the first time since I'd known him. "Fine. You comin' little brother?"

I looked over at Daryl, silently begging him to stay.

Daryl gave me much the same look he gave me all the time ago, when we stood in a dirt lot in an abandoned dairy, when he told me Merle was family and we had to stick together. "He's family." He told me quietly.

"Come on then little sister." Merle told me, taking a few steps back.

I could feel my eyes fill with tears and I looked over at Rick and Glenn, remembering there was five bikers at the prison who had come all this way just for me. I looked back at Merle and slowly shook my head, turning to stumble into the car, closing the door behind me. I couldn't look at them as they went away again. I couldn't see them leave again.

So I sat in the car until the others climbed in and we drove away. A piece of my heart chipped off, but I wiped my eyes and readjusted how I held the crowbar.

* * *

Getting out of the SUV was harder than I wanted it to be. I should be used to losing them by now, but I felt torn once more, between the family I needed and the blood I didn't.

"What happened?" Chibs asked, but his words sounded hallow in my ears.

"Daryl left with Merle." I told him quietly, pushing past the bikers so get back into the prison. I laid on my bed, silently listening to the workings of the prison. I could hear them discuss whether or not Michonne should stay with us or not. I didn't care either way. She seemed fine on the drive, and she helped us get our people back when she could've let them die.

I felt somebody sit on the bed behind me and I just didn't care. I felt much the same way I did when the guys told me Juice hadn't made it out alive. I felt a hole ripped in me that I thought might never be filled. I wanted to go after him, but I knew Daryl was stubborn. I knew he'd stay gone if that's what he wanted.

"Wish I could make this easier on ya lass." Chibs told me.

I didn't know what to say. I felt like I was always going through this, finding somebody just to lose somebody else. "Love is for wimps." I murmured.

"Nah, love is for the brave." Chibs told me.

"Love is for the weak." I told him, moving to stand up off the bed.

He grabbed my hand, stalling my exit. "Don't give up on love, lass."

I pulled my hand from his and moved towards the crowded room, asking Rick which detail he wanted me on. He tried to tell me to go rest, but I protested, telling him I was better suited helping with whatever I could. He told me to take Jax and Opie and spear the walkers at the fence, keeping them at bay.

I tried not to think about Daryl, out in the woods with Merle, bein' yanked around the same as he had been for years. But that was all I could do as I stood next to Opie and Jax, spearing walkers. We'd come so far, we'd been through so much; I didn't know how he could just leave after all this time. Merle hadn't changed; if anythin', he'd gotten worse. Part of me didn't want to believe Glenn, but I knew deep inside me that it wouldn't have taken much for Merle to get that far, even before everything went to shit.

After a while Jax told me we should go in and get out of the heat. I didn't know how Opie could wear that stupid beanie in this humidity, but I said nothing. I knew he'd been talking to me, but I needed to do something and I knew if I was inside those prison walls, I might fall apart again and I'd been through this too many times.

I heard Jax say something else as I was stabbing another walker in the face, but between my determination to not move and the slurping sound of brain matter as I yanked my crow bar free, his words didn't get to me.

"Kelsi!" Jax barked, making me freeze.

Slowly, I bit my lip and turned to him. I knew he wasn't happy, but I hadn't quite expected the look he gave me. Opie didn't look thrilled either.

"Stop." Jax said, his voice a little softer.

A flicker of anger flared in my chest. "With all due respect, Prince, no." I told him sternly.

"Stop before I make you." He told me, moving closer to me, his voice dropping a little, gaining a scary tilt to it.

The anger slowly wrapped around me. I squeezed the crow bar harder and all I could do was think about swinging it at him as hard as I could. He didn't get it. He had no idea how I got ripped apart every time somebody left or died. He didn't know how weak I felt when I couldn't control a goddamn thing in this world.

"Now." He spoke again.

I threw down the crow bar with all my might. It was stupid and pointless, but it made it feel a little better. The plaid over shirt I'd put on to keep the blood spatter off me was itching at my arms. I unbuttoned it and tossed it off to the side.

Jax and Opie watched me carefully before I launched myself to Jax. I threw my fist as hard as I could manage and it collided with his jaw perfectly. I wasn't all that strong, but we ended up in the weeds. I threw another punch before he could recover. He regained his bearings and threw me to the side, landing me on my back. He crawled up on top of me, trying to pin my arms down.

The last time a man had done that it'd been Danny when we'd been together and anger covered me like cold water.

Jax was just on top of me, not straddling me. So I swung my knee up and got him in the ribs, making him lean down and choke before I threw my weight to make us roll so I was on top of him again. I threw another punch and I could see his cheek start to swell. He caught my hands and kicked, throwing me over his head to land on my back.

Opie grabbed me around the waist as I recovered, moving to dive at him again. I elbowed him in the side and as he doubled over, I kicked him in the shin, sending him to the dirt. He coughed and held up his hands like he wanted me to wait and it suddenly dawned on me what'd I'd just done.

I turned around to look at Jax and his nose was bleeding, his lip was cut and his cheek was swelling. He didn't look at me like the weak Kelsi I'd been when I was ready to die; now he looked at me like I might tear him apart and the idea that I'd just willingly hurt my friends, my family, made me want to crumble.

"Jax…" I took a breath and the tears slowly blurred my vision. "God, I'm so sorry." I moved over to him and fell to my knees, gently reaching out to touch his face. Those crystal blue eyes, the ones that had lead me away from a bridge and towards a better life, now stared at me like he might wanna put me back on that bridge.

"There goes your pretty boy good looks." Opie sputtered, moving to sit up on his knees.

I wanted to turn around and slap him. This wasn't the time for humor. I'd just done something awful and hideous and how dare he joke about it.

"Better me than somebody you care about." Jax told me, spitting out a little blood into the weeds.

I gasped. I could hear the humor in his voice, but the words hurt much more than any hit I'd ever taken. Before I could move away from him, his hands were on my shoulders, pulling me roughly towards him. I fell against his chest, feeling useless and worthless. If I'd ever had a reason to want to end myself, this had to be it. Hurting the ones I loved most was one of the lowest places I'd ever been.

"I'm sorry you keep getting hurt." Jax told me, holding me tightly against him. "We're gonna survive this and we're gonna make it."

* * *

When we got back to the prison, Rick and Chibs were quick to ask what had happened to Jax's face. Jax and Opie tried to joke about making some stupid comment, but I'd told them it had been me, going off the handle and it wouldn't happen again. Rick's gaze was judgmental and I knew I'd been put on his mental watch list; while Chibs just looked at me like he didn't know how to help.

Laying in bed, staring at the brick, made me think about all the feelings I'd had so long ago when I stood on that bridge. I often remembered the night, but I tried to focus on what exactly had happened with Danny before I'd left the house.

I reached up to gently touch the long scar on my cheek that had healed a long, long time ago and I couldn't even remember what had caused it; why he'd back handed me with the heavy ring to cause the mark on my face.

I fell into a restless sleep, tossing and turning, running from monsters and faceless men threatening to kill me. I didn't remember waking up, but suddenly I was sitting upright in bed, panting, looking at the door of my cell that had been covered with a blanket so I had some separation.

Kip stood at the entrance, just barely pulling the blanket away from the wall to watch me.

"What's wrong?" I choked out, feeling drained and tired.

"You were whimpering." He whispered, pushing past the blanket to come sit on the bed next to me, watching me carefully.

"Sorry." I murmured, running my hand over my face, wiping off the sweat.

"Talk to me." He whispered.

Through the crack of space where the blanket didn't quite meet the wall, I could see a window out across the open hall and false light was just barely starting to break, meaning the rest of the world hadn't had a chance to wake up yet.

I shook my head. "Nothin' to tell." I told him, pushing off the bed and moving to the sink to splash water on my face.

"What happened with Jax?" He asked quietly.

I shrugged, drying my face on the sleeves of my shirt as I moved to sit back down. "I lost it."

"Obviously." Kip said, his eyebrows shooting up his face before they relaxed back into their normal place. "Man, he thought you were going to end him."

Tears sprung up in my eyes at the thought that Jax actually considered I might finish him. I reached up to cover the bottom half of my face and leaned forward, resting my elbow on my thigh.

Kip's hand set on my back, rubbing circles as I tried to keep the tears back. "He knows you didn't mean it."

But his words were hollow in my ears. All I'd wanted was to find my guys, all my guys, and be one big happy family again. But Juice was dead, I'd tried to do the same to Jax and Daryl didn't want nothin' to do with us.

"Why do you fuckers keep puttin' up with me?" I murmured silently, partly not wanting to hear the answer.

"Because we love you." Kip said, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me into a one armed hug.

"I'm just some psycho that should've died a long time ago." I whispered.

"You might be psycho, but you survived because you were meant to." He told me, still holding me tight.

Part of me wanted to shake my head and tell him no, I wasn't meant to. It'd been luck since the moment I decided to leave Danny's house and trudge across town to a bridge nobody cared about. It wasn't fate or destiny; it was chance. It was a luck of the draw I didn't know I possessed, but somehow I was still here.

"We should get to work." I murmured, nodding my head so he'd let me go, but hoping he wouldn't.

"And do what?" He asked, looking over at me.

I shrugged. I didn't have an answer to that. I just couldn't sit here and wallow about another lost person, coming and going through my life as they pleased. I remembered when Happy and Chibs came to see me at the diner, and how I'd left their motel room the next morning without a word, because I couldn't stand to see them leave again.

"Just need to do somethin' before I lose another person." I told him quietly, sliding into my boots and making for the curtain I used as a door.

* * *

It'd been a week and a half since Daryl left. He'd come back with Merle in tow. We'd got attacked that day by the Governor. He was out for blood, I knew. He tried to ambush us with walkers. It didn't work, but we came too close for comfort on that one.

I didn't know if I was happy about seeing Merle or not, but I was glad to have Daryl back; I was glad he'd come back at all.

Andrea had found the prison; she'd been staying in Woodbury this whole time. I didn't like the idea that she seemed to have an in with the Governor, but it wasn't my place to say anything. None of the bikers seemed to care for her being at the prison and after she left, Kip told me that he felt weird when she was here, like she brought death. I knew Kip had seen war before all of this and the steely look his eyes took on when he told me about his feelings toward Andrea made me wish she'd never come back.

Kip and I agreed we'd keep the vibes to ourselves until something happened one way or the other. I didn't like to think about death coming, but I knew if the Governor was involved, it just might be around the corner. Something in the air seemed to shift as well.

Rick and the Governor had a meeting to talk about what was going on. I didn't think it was a good idea, but Rick said they had to try. I didn't like it; it felt wrong to me. But Rick returned and said we had to go to war with Woodbury. I didn't think that was a good idea either. We weren't exactly an army; there was only a handful of people in our group with military experience and while Rick counted Merle in the handful, Merle was a loose cannon.

Later, Daryl told me quietly that The Governor had offered to leave us alone if Rick gave him Michonne. I told him it was a bad idea; she was part of the group now, we couldn't just go sending people to the slaughter house like that. He agreed and told me they were trying to figure it out.

But then Merle disappeared with Michonne. He was just gone. We searched damn near the whole prison and couldn't find a trace of him. Daryl went after them. I'd told him I'd go to, but he got mad and told me to stay put. I couldn't just sit around and wait like this! Part of me was stunned that Merle could do such a thing, but the other part of me, the larger part, knew it wasn't that far of a stretch and I hated it.

Daryl came back in tears. He couldn't say the words, he couldn't force them out, but the look he gave me told me everything I needed to know. Merle was gone. We'd lost another person and it tore at my heart like a wild animal, savagely ripping me apart from the inside. Merle had never been the best of people, but he'd been my brother, my blood, my kin.

The Governor attacked again, but he hadn't come as prepared as he was before. We'd caught them off guard in the tombs and had scared them off. We'd tried to go searching for them, but The Governor had killed most of his army, leaving their bodies on the side of the road. Woodbury had been abandoned too.

It was a few months before anything else happened. We'd been farming at the prison, growing our own food. We'd found piglets and were raising them. Life had gotten as normal as we thought it ever might. We were surviving, we were doing better, we had finally adjusted to life.

And then the flu hit.

Patrick, one of the people we'd rescued after Woodbury was abandoned, was the first one to die. He'd turned and ate several others in the prison, slowly starting a horde on the inside. We'd killed them all, but upon inspection, Patrick didn't have any bites or scratches; something else had killed him.

Doc S. said that it was probably a disease, something that could be spread by pigs and birds and thrived in close quarters like the prison. Rick had killed the pigs and burned the pens. I couldn't help but feel that our shred of normalcy was merely a façade; we'd never really have normal again the way we used to.

Chibs and the guys tried to reassure us that things would work out; we'd figure it out, but I had my doubts. Were we just destined to be killed off by some invisible disease? I'd never been religious, but I was starting to wonder if we'd pissed off a higher power; if this was our sentencing for our crimes.

Twelve more people died after Patrick. The flu had killed them off and we'd had to dig twelve more graves. I was fine with the digging; it was when we had to stop digging and bury the bodies that I struggled with. We'd already lost so many people, and here, we had to lose more.

And then Hershel and Michonne went missing, and the Governor returned, with a new army, standing outside our gates. He wanted to talk to Rick, and so they talked. But The Governor was having none of it, and to prove his point, he cut off Hershel's head.

It was the closest thing to war I'd ever experienced; my friends dropping like flies from bullet wounds, the Governor's tank bombing the prison.

Daryl stood by my side the entire time, shooting as many of the Governor's people as I was. Maggie and Beth had been loading the bus behind us somewhere, but I glanced back to see them heading back into the prison. Daryl told me he was going after them and disappeared from my side, being quickly replaced with Chibs.

"We gotta get outta this mess, lass." Chibs said from my right.

I could barely hear him over the gunfire. I fired off a few more shots. "We gotta find Daryl."

"We ain't got the time, lass." He told me sharply.

Another explosion struck the prison, shaking the ground and hurting my ears. I looked back behind us to see Kip charging at one of the Governor's men. I wanted to yell out for him, to tell him to stop; there was no way he'd injury the man.

And as if on cue, the man turned and shot; with an explosion of red from his chest, Kip was knocked over. I wanted to scream, to cry, to kill the man. But he hadn't seen us yet, he was faced the wrong direction.

I looked up to see Chibs's concerned face. I nodded and he took my arm, pulling me away from the front fence, around to a hole in the side fence and towards the forested area.

After a while of running, we took a minute to rest. My ears were still ringing and my shoulder ached. "Ya've been shot."

I looked up at Chibs, then back at my shoulder, cringing against the pain. "Just a scratch." I told him.

He tore off a strip of cloth from his shirt to wrap around my arm, despite my protests before he told us we had to get moving again.

"But Daryl and Rick and the others." I told him, not moving from my spot.

Chibs looked lost for a moment. His brothers, his family had been left behind too. Opie, Jax and Happy were still inside somewhere. As soon as I thought about Kip, I pushed the memory down, out of my mind before tears could sting my eyes or bile could rise in my throat. I didn't have time to mourn him here.

"We'll find 'em again. But we're all we got right now, and that's gonna have to do us." He told me firmly, moving closer to me to stress his point.

I nodded, knowing he was right, even though I didn't want to think about it.

Pushing away from the tree, I looked back at the prison, smoking and burning behind us, a pile of bricks and boards now.

I wanted to know Daryl made it out alive. I wanted to know that the guys were safe. I wanted to think that Kip had just been wounded, not dead. But I'd seen the amount of blood he'd lost from the bullet and I knew he couldn't still be alive.

I nodded again, trying to force down the sadness and the turmoil that threatened to choke me. Chibs took my hand and we moved into the forest, leaving the burning prison behind us.


	20. Part 17 Owls and Mice

The prison had fallen.

Hershel was dead. Kip was dead. Countless other people we probably didn't even know about were dead. We still hadn't found any of the others. Part of me thought they were all dead, and we were the only ones alive. I knew that wasn't true, but I could still hear the explosions in my ears, feel the shake of the earth as parts of the large prison crumbled to the ground.

Chibs and I had made it out alive somehow, through the gunfire and the explosions. We'd been wandering for a day and a half when we found a hunting cabin. The roof had caved in to the point the house was nearly demolished. But the overhang for the carport still stood strong and sturdy, and so after we searched the rubble of the house for any supplies, we returned to the carport with a can of beans and a knife.

I'd started a fire for Chibs, as he wasn't sure how to. "Opie was the pyro," he'd told me back at the prison about them were wandering Georgia, looking for me.

I was fine while I was doing something; walking, searching the house, starting the fire. I could force away the pain because I was doing something, I was being useful. It was when I sat back for a moment, with nothing to do but stare at the fire, that all my turmoil, all my grief, all my sadness turned on me, and left me with a numbing sensation that made me wonder if my hands had suddenly fallen off.

Watching the fire dance, the only thought that found its way into my mind was of Kip, loading busses one moment, charging the enemy the next. He had no reservations, he had no doubts. He had seen war before, and he knew this was exactly the same. He went into battle, fighting for his friends and his family, willing to sacrifice himself to save someone else.

I knew all of us would've fought for as long as we could, tried our best to keep our home, to defend what was ours. But I didn't know if I could charge a man shooting at me. I didn't know if I had the inner strength to distract a shooter like that so that my friends could get out safely. I wanted to say I'd try, but if it came down to it, I didn't know if I really could make that choice.

But Kip didn't even think about it. He kenw people were getting hurt and dying around him, and the only logical fix for that in his mind was to eliminate the threat. He died to help get those people on the buses out safe, because he knew he was strong enough to fall for his friends if it came to that.

"Whatcha thinkin' 'bout, lass?" The thick Scottish voice asked, nearly making me jump from my thoughts. HI voice was rough, hoarse from lack of use. We hadn't talked since he'd told me he'd found the house and we needed to search it; it'd had to have been a few hours since then.

"Kip." I said quietly, feeling my sadness coat the single word like honey, sticky and thick.

Chibs said nothing for a long time. "He was a good man."

"He didn't even think twice." I said absently, keeping my eyes trained on the fire that licked at the log I'd thrown on before I sat down however long ago.

" 'e just wanted to die for somethin' importan'." Chibs spoke quietly. His words were simple, but they held so much meaning. I knew Kip wouldn't want to die for nothing.

"For us." I murmured, looking up at him for the first time since I'd built the fire. The weight of the words sat squarely on my back, making me feel hunched over and heavy.

Chibs nodded firmly, as if the weight of the realization had been hard on his shoulders as well. "For us." He agreed with a nod.

"If there is a heaven," I mumbled, letting my first tear fall. "I hope to God that's where he is."

Chibs shuffled around on the ground before he sat right next to me. "Oh he is, lass, he is." He told me, putting his arm around my shoulder.

I fell into his chest, letting my tears come. I cried for what seemed like several hours, before I slowly pulled myself away from Chibs and wiped my eyes. I felt empty, hollow on the inside.

"We're not meant to outlive them." I mumbled, feeling the numbness take over again.

"Who them?" Chibs questioned.

"The walkers." I told him, looking out at the forest past the fire. It was dark, a new moon in the sky, hiding the world from us.

"Nah, lass, they ain't no owls." He told me plainly, his arm still around my shoulder.

I turned to him. "Owls? What does that mean?"

"Ya see lass, there's two kinds o' people in the world; the owls and mice. The owls are the hunters of the people, the ones makin' it better. The mice are the weak, who can only do for themselves, but ain't never better themselves. These beasts, they ain't no owls. They're mice." He told me.

I felt a little bit like this was something that got lost in translation, but I nodded a little bit.

"Ya don't believe me?" He asked.

"They're stronger, they're meaner, they're never ending. These are some mean ass mice." I told him, still watching the forest.

He squeezed my shoulder, pulling my closer into his side. "They're the mice. I'll prove ya so."


	21. Part 18 Strangers in the Shadows Part 1

Chibs and I had been walking for God knew how long. I'd stopped counting. I stopped trying to keep track of the days. There wasn't any point. Chibs clung intently to the idea that we'd find the others. I didn't think we would. I didn't know how we could possibly all find each other, stumbling around this mess of a forest while trying to avoid the walkers. Chibs continued to call them mice, but all I could think was that if that was how mice were now, I for damn sure wasn't no owl.

Wandering was painful. I just wanted to lay down and die somewhere before the walkers got me. But I knew Chibs would never let me rest again if the thought got the chance to exit my mouth. So I stayed quiet and walked behind him as he picked his way through the forest.

I paused, feeling a set of eyes on me. I glanced over my shoulder, giving a half turn to scan the forest.

"What?" Chibs asked quietly.

"Somebody's watchin' us." I told him, feeling like bugs were crawling on my skin.

"Whatcha mean, somebody's watchin' us?" He asked, coming close to my shoulder.

"Ya don't feel the creep crawly feelin'?" I asked, looking up at him.

The way he stayed silent, watching the forest, I knew he had, he just hadn't wanted to talk about it out loud. "Ya see 'em?"

I shook my head, scanning the forest again. "We best find us some supplies." I told him, watching the forest floor. "This way." I told him, turning our course more to the east, towards a set of old foot prints.

Chibs followed silently. I didn't think he knew what to do with me. He'd never seen this side of me before, the normal Dixon side of me. It was one of the reasons Daryl and I adapted better to this new lifestyle than other people had; we were already doin' it before, it was just more intense this time around.

I carved us a path through the woods until we broke into a small clearing with a cabin. I paused for a minute. "Old moonshine cabin." I murmured to Chibs. "If nothin' else, we got booze." I told him, picking slowly towards the cabin.

He helped me clear the cabin before I went searching. I told him I was fine and that he should search the cabin for anything useful. I went around back and found the goldmine in the form of clear liquid that could make you go blind if drank in large quantities. It'd also start a fire and run a tractor clean for a day. And since we didn't have any tractors around, I only brought back one gallon jug, knowing this would last us more than the next three weeks, let alone the night.

"What'd ya find?" I asked Chibs upon entering the cabin.

There were three cans of soup and chili on the counter, which he gestured to before smiling like a fool. "Found me a can of chicken livers."

I balked. "You can keep those, I get this." I told him, setting the jug on an old rickety table.

Chibs grinned, wiggling his eyebrows at me. "I dunno 'bout you, Kelsi love. But I've been alone a minute."

I rolled my eyes. "Keep it in your pants, grandpa. You drink more than a couple ounces of this and you'll be hearin' colors. It's to start the fire."

Chibs looked good with the grin that seemed now plastered on his face. "Never heard a color before. Now's a good a time as any."

I shook my head. "Open those cans up. I'm gonna find us some firewood." I told him, pulling the crow bar off my belt and swinging it around as I made my way for the door. I paused on the deck, watching the trees.

"Ya alright love?" I heard Chibs call.

Looking out at the forest felt… weird. Something wasn't right and I couldn't shake the feeling. I turned to look back at Chibs, watching me. "Do ya… do ya feel it?" I asked carefully.

He watched me for a moment, but nodded his head slowly. "Suppose it's not good then."

"Never is." I told him, swinging the crow bar around as I stepped off the deck and headed into the trees in search of wood.

It'd rained the last day and a half and I wasn't much looking forward to smoking out the little house we had. Luckily, I found a whole arm load of firewood under the cover of some barely damp moss. The only hard part was hauling it back. If something came up on me, I'd be worse off to defend myself.

I settled for only grabbing as much as I could carry in one arm. This way, I still had the crow bar at the ready. I did this three other times. On my fourth time out to get my last load, a twig snapped and I held my breath, looking around.

About twenty yards out was a dead guy, in a suit and tie, missing an arm and most of his face. The walker groaned and snapped his teeth at me, the only things he knew how to do anymore. So I waited until he came closer, then I ran the crow bar through his head and gave a yank.

It was covered in brown blood and brain matter, but I flung it off into the bushes and did another scan. Nothing else among the trees but us.

I carried the last load of firewood in before Chibs and I settled on the old wood floor with our canned chili and chicken livers. We were quiet, only making a little noise. The fire was warm and there was food in my stomach; I felt like talking would ruin the second of normalcy we had been graced with.

"What ya miss most?" Chibs asked quietly after a few more minutes.

I looked up at him, not sure what he meant.

"From before. Sex? Coffee? Ice cream?" He asked with a little grin that made me consider if he'd been sipping on that shine or not.

"D, all of the above." I said quietly, taking another bite of soup.

Chibs nodded. "Meh too. Never thought I'd make it this far."

I shrugged. "I never thought I'd make it off that bridge. Guess we were both wrong."

He smiled a little bit like he was happy with his current situation. "Suppose so."

I didn't have anything to add, nothing to say to enhance the conversation. I didn't know if I wanted to talk, or scream, or kill something that wasn't already dead. The numbness that washed over me was far more intense than anything I'd felt before. I could barely focus on anything but the fire.

"Ya changed after all this." He spoke quietly and I felt like he was silently begging me to talk to him.

I shrugged, the constant hopeless feeling slowly creeping back into my body. "Everybody did, Chibs. Ain't nobody the same as they was."

"Ya know what I mean, lass." He said.

I watched the fire for a long moment before I nodded. "Before, even after I left Juice…" I trailed off, trying to organize my thoughts. "I had a purpose; I knew my place and my reason for being there. Now…" I paused, wondering what I even was now. "Now, I don't have a place, there's no reason for me to be here other than the fact I somehow managed to not die while all of this happened."

Chibs was silent and when I looked up at him, he was watching me closely.

"I can't take the uncertainty." I told him honestly, looking back at my chili. "If I knew that somewhere out in the world, someone managed to survive and thrive this way; that maybe the rest of us could…" I nodded to myself. "That'd give me enough to get rid of this hopelessness."

Chibs nodded like he understood what I meant and we settled back into the quiet air of the Georgia night.

* * *

Waking up the next morning was odd. I woke slowly, and for a split second, moved my arm, seeking Juice on the other side of the bed. But gently, I was pulled back to reality. Juice wasn't here and I wasn't in a bed. Instead, I was laying on the floor, huddled in on myself, using an old rug as a pillow under my head.

The fire had gone out and our trash laid in the same spot it did the night before. I stood and moved towards the door way. Chibs was nowhere to be seen and I didn't like the idea that he might have run off to do something on his own. He was all I had left.

After Kip died, I didn't know how much more of this I could stand. And seeing Chibs absent from the cabin was definitely not a worry I wanted in the forefront of my mind first thing in the morning.

Something crackled in the forest and I wiped off a spot on the window to see if I could see through it. Other than a walker starting to amble towards the house, I didn't see anything worth looking for. But I pulled open the door, looking out at the little deck for a minute before heading down the steps and towards the dead guy.

Landing the crow bar in his head wasn't hard, but it was exhausting. I was tired of defending myself. I slumped back away from the corpse and glanced around the forest. Chibs stood almost fifty yards from me, into the forest. He had something in his hands and he looked engrossed in it.

I headed for him, making sure to keep watch since he obviously wasn't. "Chibs, ya gonna get killed." I told him in a harsh whisper.

"Look at this." He told me, never moving from the spot to even look up.

"What's so important you gotta die over?" I asked him angrily.

He had a smile on his face when I got to the point of being next to him. "Look."

I looked down at what was in his hands. It was a torn piece of a map. In the center was a star, inside a hand drawn circle, with the word Terminus above it. "Sanctuary for all?" I asked quietly, reading what was written on it out loud.

Chibs smiled. I almost resented him for being so happy in these shitty situations when all I could do was want to cry. "Lass, this is it. We might survive." He told me passionately.

I rolled my eyes. "Or we'll end up like him." I said, gesturing to the walker that had picked up our scent and was slowly angling towards us. It'd lost part of its foot, but that didn't stop it from limping for all it was worth.

Chibs shook his head. "We're strong lass. He ain't." He spoke to me, nodding his head as he pulled out a knife and sank it into the guy's skull.

I looked back at the map in his hands, holding it for myself.

"How nice would it be to be able to sit down without watchin' yer back?" He asked softly. "Or to just lay and sleep without fear? God forbid they might have a shower." Chibs spoke to me.

I gave a stifled laugh. "Of course you'd be thinkin' 'bout your looks." I said quietly.

"We could survive; we could thrive." He repeated, watching me carefully.

I looked hard at the map, then up at the forest around us. The birds chirped and flew overhead. The bugs buzzed and clicked everywhere you looked. The world had changed, but it somehow remained the same in this one aspect. Another glance at the map and I had already made up my mind.

"Alright." I murmured.

He paused, watching me. "Whatcha mean, alright?"

"I mean alright. Let's go. We don't have another solid option right now." I told him, glancing back around the forest, always watching for trouble.

"Ya serious, lass?" He asked.

"Look. This map follows the railroad. We passed one yesterday, remember? The map must've gotten free of wherever it was put up on and ended up out here. We'll follow the railroad until we get close." I told him, gesturing to the map.

Chibs smiled a little bit. "Ain't lost ya yet." He told me, putting his arm around my waist and walking us back to the shack.

* * *

Chibs and I aimed back for the railroad. It was odd, walking along the ties like we were just out for a stroll. I knew we'd probably never see a train run again in my lifetime and it was an odd feeling. Would Judith ever see a train up and running, the way we used to see all the time? Or an airplane?

I thought it was funny how I was starting to miss all the things I'd taken for granted years ago. Trains, planes, not having to hunt for food constantly, having one house it was safe for you to stay in. I glanced at Chibs and wanted to know what he was thinking.

Did he think the same way I did? Did he miss the little things from before or was it just me? Did I just miss the easy life? I certainly wasn't doing very well at surviving this one.

"Ya thinkin' awful hard, lass." Chibs said gently from beside me.

I nodded. "Tends to happen."

"What about?" He asked.

"All the stuff we ain't gonna see again." I spoke softly, knowing loud noises attracted walkers and I didn't want to have to fight anything off right now.

Chibs nodded like he'd been thinking the same thing. "It's a hard life, but we're made for it."

I didn't agree. I knew Chibs was. If nothing else, he was better off now than he was before. I didn't know about myself though. I struggled every morning to get up and keep fighting. I didn't have much of a reason left to.

Kip was dead. Hershel was dead. Juice was dead. Daryl and Rick could be dead for all I knew.

I paused. Daryl wasn't dead. I knew that much. For as long as I could remember, Daryl and I had been the closest thing to the other person. He knew when I was sad, even when I didn't speak about it and I knew when he was angry, even though he covered it well most of the time. Daryl and I had a connection that couldn't be severed by time or distance, and my bones knew he was still alive.

At least I had that small comfort.

As the sun began its slow decent in the sky and the shadows of the world got a little longer, Chibs and I ducked off the railroad in search for a place to hole up for the night. I didn't know how far we were from this Terminus place, but I knew we weren't going to find it tonight.

We were barely half a mile from the tracks when we spotted a dilapidated barn, nearly falling in on itself. As we got closer, there was a series of moans from inside. I kicked the door and heard three different gurgling noises. I glanced back at Chibs, holding up three fingers to let him know. He nodded and gestured to the door, taking his fighting stance with the baseball bat he'd enjoyed carrying since we'd evacuated the prison.

I got a firm grip on the door and braced myself, taking a deep breath as I let the latch go and the door swung out. I shuffled back a few feet before landing the one closest to me in the head with the crowbar.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Chibs bust in the head of one of them. Wait… Chibs took one out, I had taken one out. I heard a sickly groan at my feet and startled. The walker had no lower half, pulling its rotting corpse along on bony hands that had the fingers broken off a while ago. Jumping with a start made me catch my boot on a tree root, sending me onto my back. I reached for the crow bar, but it'd fallen a few feet from me.

I kicked at the walker wildly, enough that I could crawl to the crow bar and send it flying through the air down towards him, skimming the flattened part off the dead guy's head. I hadn't swung right and it hadn't stopped him, only deterred him for a moment.

A grunt and the walker's head collapsed under the baseball bat in Chibs' hands. He was breathing as heavy as I was as he pushed his hair out of his face and held his hand out to me. I stood on shaky legs that threatened to cave in on me, but Chibs had no qualms with me leaning into him to support myself for this moment.

"Ya alright, lass? 'e get ya?" He asked.

I shook my head, wiping my dirty hands on the legs of my pants. "Nah. Just caught me off guard. Thanks."

He nodded, like there was no reason for me to be thanking me. "Look a bit pale, lass."

I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat, pushing away from him to stand on my own. "Thought I was done for. Never thought to check my feet. Guess that'll teach me." I told me with a strangled laugh.

"Don't beat yourself up. The difference between you and them is that you're human. They don't got no mistakes to make." Chibs told me, handing me back my crow bar.

I nodded. But a mistake could've cost me my life. Not that my life was worth a hell of a lot anymore, but I'd hate to go down because of some stupid mistake.

"C'mon lass. Let's get inside. Dark's comin'." Chibs told me, setting his hand on the small of my back and urging me into the now empty barn.

I nodded again, moving into the closed off space. We latched the door from the inside and moved some bales of old hay in front of it. It wasn't a big barricade, but it definitely wasn't letting a dead thing in.

We made a kind of fort out of the old hay and straw bales, since we only had a blanket a piece out of each of our packs. I longed for a bed and soft blankets to curl up in, but I knew we'd probably never have that type of life again. More than a bed though, I wanted to hunt. I wanted a spear or a bow or a gun with a silencer. I wanted to eat warm meat and smile because of a full stomach.

"Whatcha thinkin' of, love?" Chibs asked, letting me use his arm as a pillow as we laid down close to each other.

"Hunting." I told him quietly.

"Yeah?" He asked.

I nodded against his arm. "At least if I was hunting, I could get rid of this nervous energy and we'd have food to eat; even if it was a possum or a coon."

He smiled at me. "I like ya as a hick." I rolled my eyes at him. "If ya wanna hunt, I'll find ya somethin', lass."

"Thank you." I told him, curling up close to his chest, relishing the warmth of another body next to mine.


	22. Part 18 Strangers in the Shadows Part 2

I woke slowly, my eyes fluttering open to see the first hints of light streaming in through the cracks in the barn. Chibs was asleep beside me, laying on his back. His lips moved in silent words that never left his vocal chords. I was glad he'd gotten a solid night of sleep. Laying on my back in the barn, listening to the slow, steady breaths Chibs took next to me made me feel like maybe the world outside the barn hadn't fallen apart.

I pictured us waking up after a night of drinking. Maybe we'd gone out for a field party with another charter in California, but the cool fall air had forced us to take drunken shelter in the old barn that might fall in on us at any moment. Juice was away in Washington or Nevada, helping Clay with whatever he needed. Chibs and I had just ended up cuddling together to keep warm.

"Why so happy?" Chibs grunted beside me. "Dream of somebody makin' sweet love to ya?"

I still smiled, taking in the moment for what it was, or what I had pretended it to be. "Leave it to you to turn a good moment into a sex joke."

He smiled through his sleepy haze. "Somebody's gotta." He informed me, moving his arm from under my head to stretch and grunt.

"I was pretending we were back in California. We'd had a field party and ended up in a barn because it was cold. We'd both gotten drunk and cuddled together for warmth." I told him, watching him wake up.

He groaned, folding his arm to cushion his head as he rested his eyes again, contemplating my words before nodding. "I can see it."

"It feels normal for a second." I told him quietly, turning to look back up at the roof of the old barn.

He yawned and nodded. "Those moments are good for ya."

"I say we try to find something to hunt with. I'm starving." I informed him quietly.

He nodded, eyes still shut. "Suppose so."

I pushed myself out of the straw, brushing myself off. "Well, now's a good a time as any." I told him, pointlessly swinging the crow bar in my hands as I stretched and moved towards the door.

Chibs grunted and stood up, pulling on his jacket that he'd used as a pillow. "Aight, aight." He mumbled. He moved the hay bales for me and pulled the door open as we scanned the clearing in front of the barn.

* * *

An hour of walking the train tracks led us to a small town which contained a handful of houses, a gas station, a little grocery store, and a movie rental shop. I took the grocery store as Chibs headed for the gas station.

In the store, I found a can of Vienna sausages, a six pack case of water, and a tube of chap stick. I applied the peppermint scented balm to my lips and smiled. It was the little things. I met back up with Chibs to discover he'd found more water and a can of tuna. I could live with that.

After a few moments of quiet discussion, we decided to search a few of the nearby houses to see if we could find anything to hunt with. I knew Chibs wasn't good at hunting, but if I could find something to use, we were golden.

The first two houses were fruitless efforts, not even finding a can of dog food. My spirits dimmed as the third house only contained a tire iron and a gun with no bullets.

I knew Chibs could see my hope slowly diminishing. "One more house." He almost begged.

"Why? We got nothin' worth a damn." I told him. "Let's go eat some tuna."

He gave his head a firm shake. "One more house, lass. I can feel it in my bones."

I sighed deeply, but humored him, moving behind him as we cleared the house before we started our normal search grid.

"Kelsi!" Chibs hollered.

I panicked, fearing the worst.

He'd stepped on a nail and a walker was after him. He was surrounded with no way of escape. His trusty baseball bat broke and he had no weapon.

I busted in the garage, worry and fear covering me like a cold blanket. But there Chibs stood, smiling. "This'll do, lass?" It took me a second to register that he was holding up a compound bow. It was a midgrade bow, and despite how long it'd been sitting here, the string didn't look too bad and the limbs weren't falling apart.

"I thought you were dyin'." I told him, relaxing my posture.

He still grinned. "Sorry lass." Although I could very well tell he was not. But he held the bow out to me and I took it gingerly. Before I could ask, he held out four arrows in a hip quiver. It wasn't a lot, but it was a start.

I took one of the arrows from the quiver, nocking it into place. I searched for something to shoot at and settled for a picture of a half-naked girl on the other side of the garage, maybe five yards away. I drew the bow back with a little bit of difficulty and used the top pin of the four pin sight. The poundage was damn near sixty pounds. I let go of the string and the arrow found its way a little higher than I aimed. Other than my shoulder creaking from the sudden pressure and type of movement it hadn't felt in a while, I wasn't gonna complain.

I gave Chibs a smile. "We havin' possum for dinner tonight."

He gave a short hoot before helping me search through the garage for the tools I needed to adjust the sight and the poundage.

* * *

By breakfast the next morning, Chibs and I had feasted on rabbit, squirrel and coon, all over a nice little camp fire he built while I went hunting. It was nice to have a full meal in my stomach and the clarity it brought. We continued to follow the train tracks, finding more signs and maps that marked the location of Terminus.

The closer we got, the more excited Chibs got. I still had my doubts, but I kept them to myself, not wanting to ruin the only hope the poor man had since we lost the prison. He moved excitedly in front of me, although I watched as he scanned the area as we walked. He was better at this life then I was. I wanted to crawl into a hole and not wake up, and Chibs beamed at the thought of a shower and a bed.

I was glad we'd found the bow though. It was a comfort to have a little more protection then we'd had the day before. And I felt like I wasn't so apart from the world. With this, I was a step closer to being who I was before.

And so we walked on. I'd given up dreading it, now accepting this was how we had to travel for the time being. We followed the railroad for the rest of the day and by the time we only had a couple hours of day light left, we found it.

It was an old warehouse looking building with chain link fence all the way around it. There was something about this whole thing that made me uncomfortable. I shifted my weight and looked around.

"What is it?" Chibs asked, looking after me.

"I don't know. Feels wrong." I told him, chewing on my lip.

"Well then, let's not go in the front. We'll go around the back." He told me with a nod, hefting the baseball bat to sit on his shoulder.

I nodded, turning and leading the way around the fence. It was slow, because we didn't want to be making a lot of noise, trampling through the underbrush. We came to a spot in the fence that didn't have barbed wire around the top and I told Chibs this was probably as good as it was gonna get. He offered to give me a boost, but I told him to keep a lookout while I hauled myself over. It was a struggle and my muscles groaned, but Chibs handed the bow over to me when I got on the other side and I scanned the area inside and outside the fence. Right now, I didn't know which side I needed to be concerned for most.

Chibs landed next to me, holding onto the bat and moving his pistol so he could get to it easily. He nodded to me and we headed for the building, scanning as we went. We moved around the building, staying close to it until it ended and another building close to it gave us shade.

I had butterflies knocking around in my stomach, telling me this was wrong and we weren't supposed to be here.

We found a propped open window and Chibs was going to sneak a peek until we heard voices, making us pause. "Who are we gonna eat first?"

"Doesn't matter, you idiot. Just cut it up." Another masculine voice said.

I tilted my head, looking at Chibs to see if I heard the guy inside wrong.

The look of horror on his face told me he'd heard what I heard.

"I don't know, man. I think the ninja is gonna taste pretty good." The first voice said.

I had to cover my mouth to stop from gasping. Was he talking about Michonne?

"Fuck the ninja. The kids always taste the best. That baby is gonna be delicious." The second guy spoke.

Chibs looked faint, glancing at me like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. I moved closer to the window, trying to get a look inside.

"Are you idiots done yet? We've got five waiting to be drained, five more in the train car and you're still cutting up the last people?" A meaner voice said, banging the door as he came into the room.

He was tall with dull brown hair and a maniac gleam in his eyes.

"We're working as fast as we can." The second meat cutter defended.

"Well work faster." The new man said. Something sounded off in the distance, from behind the building. "What was that?"

"Probably just Tim, shooting a deader." One of the meat cutters said.

Suddenly, there was an explosion that rocked the ground and Chibs and I clung to each other as everything around us quaked, nearly knocking me to my feet.

"C'mon lass." Chibs told me sternly, moving to the end of the building as things settled, down the way we had come in. People ran out of the buildings, looking for the source of the explosion. Our quickest way out was past the two buildings we'd come from before, but suddenly, men with guns ran out of both buildings and we were forced back down the alley we were in to stay hidden.

"Dammit." He cursed silently.

"Hey." I told him, making him look at me. "I don't care what happens next, I love ya. Know that."

He looked worried. "We'll make it out."

"If we don't, I love ya." I told him sternly, making sure he understood.

He nodded once, before turning away from me. The alley let out at the other end and we quickly made our way to it. We could try to circle around the buildings from this side, but this end of the alley let out into the main courtyard. People were shooting people and people were screaming, everyone running around.

Across the courtyard and to the right was a building that had tools it in, like a gardening shed. I could see shears and cutters hanging on the wall.

"Across the yard, to the right, garden shed." I said, nudging Chibs.

"What about it?" He asked, narrowing his eyes.

"If I can get something to cut the fence open with, we won't have to worry about jumping it and we can flood the place with walkers." I told him.

He only took a moment to consider it. "I'll cover ya. Five minutes and I'm after ya."

I nodded, nocking an arrow and taking a deep breath. I only had four arrows and I didn't want to lose any if I could help it, but I'd be damned if I wasn't going to use it. I took another breath and surged out of the alley, ducking the gunfire and aiming for the shed. I heard Chibs pop off a few rounds behind me.

The door was open and once inside, the walls muffled the sound of the guns and the people screaming. I franticly searched the wall. I knew that chain link wasn't easy to get around, but I needed something bigger than wire cutters.

A pair of bolt cutters hung on the wall and I smiled, reaching for them.

"Bitch, don't even think about it."

My breath got caught in my throat as my fingers were inches from the cutters and a slow glance over my shoulder showed one of the meat cutters with a gun and an angry expression.

"Put the bow down and move away from it." He told me.

I looked back at the work bench in front of me. It was littered with screw drivers and hammers, like nobody had thought to put them away. Slowly, I set the bow down.

"Good girl. Move away." He told me.

I slowly picked up a hammer as I took a step away from the bow and turned, throwing it at him. It hit him in the shoulder, knocking the gun from his hands as he cursed. He recovered faster than I did; charging me and knocking me back into the table. His hands went around my throat and I flashed back to before the walkers took over, before I met the bikers.

Panic flooded my system as his grip tightened and I knew he meant to kill me like this. I sputtered, trying desperately to get a breath as I reached franticly for something on the table. We'd jostled all the tools when he'd thrown me into it.

Slowly, my fingers closed around something and I threw it at his head. The rubber mallet made contact and he screamed, moving away from me. I quickly reached for the long screwdriver and turned to see him watching me angrily.

"You little bitch. I was just going to kill you before. Now I'm gonna make it hurt."

"Don't threaten me with a good time." I told him.

He moved at me, barely slower than last time, but I was prepared this time. I kicked him in the gut, making him double over before I slammed the screwdriver down, throwing all my weight into it. He went limp, collapsing on the floor under me. I laid there for a moment, making sure he wasn't going to move.

I slowly stood on shaky legs that didn't want to hold my weight. I wiped the sweat off my forehead before remembering my task. I strung the bow across my shoulders, picked up an axe and the bolt cutters and ran out the door.

Chibs looked relieved as he saw me break cover, running straight for him. Through the gunfire, I felt a sting in my side and grunted, wondering how the meat cutter had gotten me. But I fell beside Chibs in the alley and gasped in air.

"C'mon. We need outta here." Chibs told me.

I nodded, heading back out the alley. The side of the fence we came in on was deserted now and I told Chibs to keep watch while I went to work on the fence. It didn't take long before there was a human sized hole. I climbed through and Chibs followed. I left the bolt cutters, knowing they weren't worth the effort of trying to drag around.

The bow bounced against my back as we ran back into the forest, looking for cover. I hoped and prayed Daryl hadn't been caught in all of that, and if he had, I prayed he made it out alive.

"Kelsi." Chibs said from behind me, making me slow.

I froze, looking at him. He was facing to my right, listening like he heard something. Hushed voices spoke and then there was some rustling.

He tapped me and moved quietly closer to them. We moved up behind a tree, well enough away that we could run if we needed to. Glancing out, I saw Daryl with a hell of a shiner, hugging tightly to Carol in front of a group of people. My heart ached and I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding, feeling so relieved.

"Juice."

I looked at Chibs, hearing the word uttered in amazement. What was he talking about? Juice was dead… wasn't he? But Chibs stood there with his mouth ajar.

I looked back at the group, taking stalk of them all. Rick, Michonne, Carl, Judith, Glenn, Maggie, and some new faces I didn't recognize. But there in the back of the group, under the shade of an oak tree, was a dark skinned man, looking on guard. His hair had grown in, covering up the scalp tattoos on his head, but his face was the same as it had been before.

I gasped, not being able to stop myself. The whole group turned to our tree and I quickly moved out from the cover of it so they could see my face. Daryl ran at me, hugging me tightly. I relished it for a moment before I pulled away from him, still watching the Puerto Rican in the back of the group who hadn't seen me yet.

"What?" Daryl asked, suddenly worried.

The man's face turned to me and he watched me carefully before moving closer to me. His mouth opened, wanting to say something before he closed it.

"Juice." Chibs said again and his eyes fell on Chibs, his mouth falling open.

"Kelsi?" He asked quietly, looking back at me like he didn't want to be wrong.

I broke from Daryl, running to him and holding him tightly. His arms moved around me like he never wanted to let me go and I felt my eyes water. "I can't believe you're alive." I choked out.

"I thought… I thought I'd never see you again." His words were as choked as mine. "You're bleeding."

I looked down at the wound on my side, slowly leaking. It was barely a scratch, but I knew it looked bad. I must've been nicked by a bullet.

"Guys, we need to get out of here." Rick told us, making Juice and I pull apart.

I nodded, wiping my face. Chibs tapped me on the shoulder, handing me back the axe I'd let fall. "Thanks." I said quietly as Rick started moving us through the forest.

I didn't want to stray too far from Juice, thinking he might disappear when I wasn't looking. I didn't know if I could handle losing him again. We didn't talk as we hiked through the forest, looking for a safe place to spend the night. I wanted to know how he'd made it out, how he'd gotten to this point, but I knew I couldn't just ask.

My brain kept informing me that I'd left. I was the one that had gone away and left him, and the only reason him or the other guys were out here, was because of me and I was painfully aware of that fact. So we walked on in silence, killing the walkers that wandered too close, moving away from the slow ones that couldn't catch up.

After dusk drew closer and closer, we decided to make camp. We all did our part in setting it up and by the time we sat down around the fire, nobody was talking. All of us had experienced today differently and I didn't know if I was strong enough to break the silence of the group.

I sat between Daryl and Juice. I knew Daryl hadn't recognized Juice with his hair grown in. He'd only recognized Chibs because of his scars, I was sure. I ate my beans quietly, silently wishing I had rice to go with it.

"You cut your hair." Juice's voice sounded loud against the silence, but he barely spoke above a whisper.

I couldn't help but smirk. "You let yours grow out."

"Well, I was hard pressed to find a razor while I was running for my life." He told me.

I nodded, ducking my head. I didn't know what to say to him, other than an apology that couldn't make it past my lips.

His fingers set gently under my chin, making me look at him. I thought after all this time without another person's touch, I'd cringe away from it, regress back into old habits. But I relished the feeling of him as I looked up at those brown eyes. He smiled at me and I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen it. "You survived."

"I did my best." I told him quietly.

"You're what kept me going." He told me.

I watched him for a moment. "What do you mean?"

He grinned in true Juice fashion. "I knew you'd survive, so I told myself I had to, if nothing else for you. I had to make it back to you."

"But I left you. Why would you want to come back to me?" I asked, needing this question to be settled in my mind.

"After the world ended, Happy told me why you left, because Gemma ran you off. I'm the reason we're down here. I went looking for you and the other guys followed." He told me.

"They were at the prison with us, before it got taken. After it fell, we all scattered. Chibs and I made it out alone. I don't know what happened to the other guys… But…" I bit my lip. "Kip… He didn't… He didn't…" I started to shutter out, feeling my eyes well up.

Juice pulled me into a hug. "He was a good man. He didn't deserve that." Juice said, verbalizing my own thoughts.

I nodded, pulling back from him and wiping my eyes. "He was the kind of good we needed now."

Juice nodded, looking back at the fire. We sat there quietly for a moment before Glenn moved to sit next to us. "So you found your husband." He told me quietly.

I smiled at him, ducking my head and looking back up at Juice. "Yeah, I guess I did."

"What'd she tell you?" Juice asked Glenn.

"You were the only man that didn't hurt her." Glenn told him with a smile.

Juice gave a choked kind of laugh, looking at Glenn for a minute. "I guess there's a first time for everything."

We sat there, quietly talking about life before the world ended and for a moment, I felt happy. All the thoughts I'd had since we lost the prison vanished and I knew if Juice could survive to get back to me, I could live this new life the best way I knew how. If Juice could survive for me, then I'd keep surviving for him.


End file.
